9 Signs It May Be Time to End a Friendship
Key takeaways:
Friendships are a source of emotional support and boost our health and well-being.
Some signs that it may be time to end a friendship include gossip, manipulation, or disrespecting boundaries.
Most friendships drift apart naturally. But sometimes you have to take steps to break up. One way to do this is to communicate using “I” statements and say things like, “I need a break.”
Friendships are a valuable part of our everyday lives. They provide social and emotional support. A good buddy will be there when you’re feeling down or lonely. A friendship should make you feel good about yourself and be a positive influence on you.
Sadly, friendships can change and become unhealthy. Below are nine signs it may be time to end a friendship — plus some helpful advice on how to stop being friends with someone.
Signs that it may be time to end a friendship
These nine red flags can signal that your friendship is over.
How to say no to friends: It’s important to know when and how to set boundaries in all your relationships.
How do you find new friends? Check out these ideas for how to meet and make new friends.
Is your relationship healthy? Look for these 13 signs, which include open communication, honesty, and kindness.
1. Gossip
People talk about other people all the time. But when a friend shares something with others you told them in confidence or talks down about you when you’re not around, it feels really bad.
“Trust is essential to any close friendship,” said Irene Levine, PhD, a former professor of psychiatry at the New York University School of Medicine and author of the Substack newsletter, Friendship Rules. “If you can’t trust your friend, it weakens the relationship.”
2. Jealousy
We all feel jealous from time to time, and that’s OK. You might feel envious of a colleague’s promotion, or a friend might resent your new relationship status.
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Levine says jealousy is common between friends. “But if your friend is so jealous that they repeatedly say hurtful things,” she said, “you may want to rethink the friendship.”
3. Insulting behavior
Some friends put each other down as a joke. They think of it as playful banter between buddies. But insults can also cause emotional pain. If you’ve had enough, say so. And if your friend won’t stop, it could be time to reevaluate your relationship.
4. Disrespect of boundaries
Boundaries are limitations you set to keep yourself safe, emotionally and mentally. They let others know what behaviors you’re OK with and what behaviors make you uncomfortable. For example, if you tell a friend to stop calling you at work and they continue, they’re disrespecting your boundaries.
“No matter how close friends are, they need to be respectful of boundaries,” said Levine.
5. Unequal focus of attention
Some friendships can feel lopsided, like you’re more invested in the relationship or vice versa. It can feel draining if you’re the one making all the effort. On the other hand, you might feel guilty or annoyed with a friend who pushes for more time together.
6. Constant conflict
Do you find yourself fighting regularly with a friend? Is it just one misunderstanding after another and nothing gets resolved?
“Being able to communicate is key to a good friendship,” said Levine. “It may be a sign that you need to step back when that becomes difficult.”
7. Manipulation
The American Psychological Association defines manipulation as “behavior designed to exploit, control, or otherwise influence others to one’s advantage.”
Manipulation can be tricky to recognize. It may feel like your friend is playing you, but you’re not sure.
If you sense that a friend is taking advantage of you, voice your concerns. If they get defensive or refuse to listen, you might want to give the relationship some space.
8. Codependency
Codependency is also sometimes known as “relationship addiction.” It may feel like your friend constantly goes above and beyond to take care of you, then acts like a martyr. They may express hurt or anger when you don’t praise their efforts.
9. Lack of interest
Friendships wane all the time and that’s normal. You may have had a common bond at some point, like a job or a recreational club. But one or both of you have moved on. It’s OK for your interests to change and for each of you to find new friends with shared interests.
How to end a friendship: What’s the best way to stop being friends with someone?
“There’s no one best way to end a friendship,” said Levine. “It depends on both friends, the nature of their relationship, and why the friendship is ending.”
Levine says that most friendships fray because two people drift apart and lose interest in the friendship. But when a breakup is one-sided, it’s more painful for both parties.
Levine offers these suggestions for how to end a friendship:
Try to step back by not initiating contact.
See the person less frequently and only in group settings.
Take responsibility for the decision rather than blame them.
Use “I” language rather than “you” language when expressing your concerns.
Be kind, because, after all, this person was your friend.
Say that you need to cut back or take a break.
Never break up impulsively.
Think carefully about what you’ll say and how you say it.
Frequently asked questions
It’s normal to feel sad about the loss of your friendship for some time. It’s OK to think about what went wrong and what your role was in the breakup. This can help you process your feelings and acknowledge the issues your friendship may have had.
At the same time, it’s helpful to try to focus on what you gained from the friendship. Maybe your friend gave you emotional support or provided a good social outlet. If the loss is making you feel lonely, it may be helpful to reach out to other friends for support.
If your friendship doesn’t make you feel good, it may be a sign that you should stop putting effort into it. Friendships should be positive and lift you up.
Sometimes friends change, or the circumstances that bonded you change. If your interactions are bringing you down or you don’t look forward to spending time with your friend, you may need to pull back from the friendship.
Most friendships don’t last forever. But there’s little research on how long they tend to last. One survey found that about two-thirds of Americans are still in touch with at least one childhood friend.
How long a friendship lasts may depend on the type of friendship it is. Some friendships are related to a place, like the office or school. Some are activity-based. And some are close friends you confide in.
The good news is that most Americans have two or more close friends in their lives.
The bottom line
Friendships are a wonderful way to connect with other people. They promote mental health and well-being and bring meaning and value to our lives.
Sometimes, though, friendships change. It’s hard to know when to let go of a friendship. But there are a number of signs you can look for. You may hear that your best friend is saying unkind things behind your back. Or you may feel like the relationship is one-sided. If that’s the case, it may be time to step back or tell them you need a break from the relationship.
Why trust our experts?
References
American Psychological Association Dictionary of Psychology. (n.d.). Manipulation.
Cox, D. (2021). The state of American friendship: Change, challenges, and loss. Survey Center on American Life.
Lu, P., et al. (2021). Friendship importance around the world: Links to cultural factors, health, and well-being. Frontiers in Psychology.
Mental Health America. (n.d.). Co-dependency.
