What Is Reactive Abuse? Know the Signs and What to Do
Key takeaways:
Reactive abuse is when a person who has experienced abuse becomes aggressive toward their abuser.
A victim of abuse may hit a breaking point and physically or verbally lash out, destroy their abuser’s property, or humiliate them.
A person who engages in reactive abuse is responding to the abuse that they’ve experienced. They’re not considered abusers.
When two people in a relationship are aggressive toward each other, it can look from the outside like both people are abusive. But the truth is that there’s usually one person in every relationship who has more power than the other. A person who’s abusive uses their power to control and hurt another person.
Sometimes, a person who has been abused over a period of time responds with aggression toward the abuser. That’s called reactive abuse. It’s different from abuse.
This article will cover the causes of reactive abuse. It will discuss what it feels like and what to do if you or someone you know is in an abusive relationship.
What is reactive abuse?
Reactive abuse is when a victim of abuse becomes aggressive toward their abuser. It’s a defensive reaction to experiencing ongoing and sustained abuse. The abuse can be:
Physical
Emotional
Verbal
Sexual
The person who’s abused experiences repeated traumas. They reach a breaking point. And, in an effort to protect themselves, they lash out against the abuser.
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Reactive abuse is a form of self-defense. The abused person has taken so much abuse that they explode and do things that are out of character for them. It may only happen once. Or it may become a pattern of behavior.
A victim of abuse who reacts aggressively toward the abuser may:
Engage in physical violence, like hitting or kicking the abuser
Verbally assault the abuser by calling them names
Humiliate the abuser in public
Destroy the abuser’s property
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The actual abuser, who holds the power, often tries to push their victim to react violently. This is done to make the victim feel like they’re the one who’s out of control and abusive. This can leave the victim of abuse feeling responsible for the abuse cycle, even though they’re trying to protect themselves.
What causes reactive abuse?
Reactive abuse is often an involuntary and defensive or protective reaction. When a person is exposed to danger, it triggers the “fight or flight” response. Different systems cause changes that get the body ready to either fight back or get away from the dangerous situation. These changes include:
Increased heart rate and blood pressure
Faster breathing
Sharpened senses
Increased energy
Together, these responses may lead someone to fight back with violence or verbal aggression in an effort to stop the abuse and protect themselves.
What are the differences between reactive abuse and mutual abuse?
Mutual abuse refers to both partners in a relationship behaving abusively toward one another. This could look like two partners physically assaulting one another or engaging in verbal assaults.
According to experts, mutual abuse is actually a myth. That’s because in abusive relationships, one person always has more power and control. That person is the abuser, while the other person is reacting to the abuse by defending or protecting themselves.
What are some examples of reactive abuse?
Reactive abuse can occur in any type of abusive relationship where there’s a power imbalance, including romantic relationships and parent/child relationships.
It can happen in heterosexual and LGBTQ+ relationships. It can happen with partners of varied gender identities and sexual orientations and within monogamous and non-monogamous relationships.
Here are some examples of reactive abuse:
A person who has been verbally abused by their romantic partner lashes out verbally, even though this is out of character for them.
After an episode of physical abuse, a child destroys their parent’s property. The child’s reaction is a result of built-up anger. The parent responds by punishing them for their actions, even though the child’s behavior was a reaction to the parent’s abuse.
During an argument, an abusive partner physically beats their partner. The victim hits their abusive partner in an effort to stop the abuse.
A child who has been sexually abused by a close adult family member becomes violent toward their abuser when they try to target them at a family function.
What can you do if you find yourself lashing out?
If you find yourself lashing out at a partner, parent, or another person in your life, you may wonder if you’re abusive or if you’re reacting to abuse. Sometimes, people have trouble recognizing that they’re in an abusive relationship.
Red flags that indicate abuse in a relationship include:
Any form of physical violence
Demanding control, like dictating what you can do or who you can see
Humiliating you in public
Calling you names or telling you that you’re worthless
Threatening to hurt you
Forcing you to do sexual acts
If you’ve experienced any of these red flags, you may be in an abusive relationship. If you act aggressively toward your abuser, you aren’t abusive yourself. Rather, you’re engaging in reactive abuse.
Why does reacting abusively feel confusing?
People who engage in reactive abuse often feel a lot of guilt. That’s because their actions aren’t in line with who they are. It can feel very uncomfortable and confusing.
You may feel that it’s not characteristic of you to be violent or have aggressive outbursts. You may feel guilty about your behavior and like you’re the one at fault.
If you find yourself experiencing confusing, conflicting, or negative feelings after engaging in reactive abuse, remember that reactive abuse isn’t your fault. It’s helpful to recognize that this isn’t behavior you’re comfortable with. You’re responding to the initial abuse that’s happening to you, not the other way around.
Remember that your reaction to abuse doesn’t make you an abuser. Resources are available to help you.
What resources are available for victims of abuse?
If you suspect that you’re in an abusive relationship, it’s important to get help. It can be very confusing and difficult to be in an abusive relationship, but it’s important for you to make sure you’re safe.
There are individuals and organizations who’re trained in this area that can help you understand your options and come up with a plan of action.
There are several national hotlines that offer help for abuse victims. These hotlines provide support and can assist you with finding local resources, such as shelters, healthcare professionals, and mental health professionals:
National Domestic Violence Hotline: Open 24/7, the National Domestic Violence Hotline is a free and confidential hotline that offers support, care, and resources. You can reach an advocate by calling 1-800-799-SAFE (7233) or texting “START” to 88788.
Childhelp National Child Abuse Hotline: If you’re a child or teen experiencing abuse or suspect that a child or teen is being abused, you can reach the Childhelp Hotline by calling or texting 1-800-442-4453.
RAINN National Sexual Assault Hotline: The RAINN Hotline provides support and connects sexual assault victims with local resources and providers. You can reach the hotline by calling 1-800-656-HOPE (4673).
You can also find local domestic violence shelters and providers by searching the National Domestic Violence Hotline’s resource directory.
Abuse is a form of trauma, which can impact your mental health. Seeing a mental health professional is recommended so that you can heal from the abuse and cope with your past.
If you’ve experienced or are experiencing abuse, consider finding a psychologist or therapist who works with abuse and trauma survivors. You can search for therapists in Psychology Today’s directory.
Frequently asked questions
Trauma bonding is when a victim of abuse develops an emotional connection with their abuser. Abuse often follows a cycle that starts with a period of tension-building, which leads to an explosive episode of abuse. That is followed by a honeymoon period. Because abusive relationships involve honeymoon periods and the abuser is often manipulative, abuse victims can develop loving feelings toward their abuser and even try to defend or protect them.
Verbal and emotional abuse can be just as damaging as physical abuse. Both of these types of abuse target a person’s emotional and psychological well-being in an effort to control them.
Studies show that people who experience emotional abuse may have higher levels of loneliness and despair than those who experience physical abuse. In addition, emotional abuse often leads to physical abuse.
If someone you know is in an abusive relationship, you can help by expressing your concern. You can offer to connect them with resources and professionals who can help. In some cases, a person in an abusive relationship may not be ready to face their situation. Instead of pushing them, let them know that you’re there for them. In the meantime, educate yourself on national and local resources to help when they’re ready.
The bottom line
Reactive abuse is when a person who has been abused becomes aggressive toward the abuser. Reactive abuse can be physical, emotional, or verbal. It’s a form of self-protection and can be triggered by the body’s stress response. It’s important to note that a person who engages in reactive abuse isn’t an abuser. They’re a victim of abuse. If you or someone you know is in an abusive relationship, resources and providers are available to help.
Why trust our experts?
If you need immediate help, call the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 1-800-799-7233 or text “SAFE” to 88788.
References
Casassa, K., et al. (2022). Trauma bonding perspectives from service providers and survivors of sex trafficking: A scoping review. Trauma, Violence & Abuse.
Karakurt, G., et al. (2013). Emotional abuse in intimate relationships: The role of gender and age. Violence and Victims.
National Domestic Violence Hotline. (n.d.). Abuse in LGBTQ+ communities.
National Domestic Violence Hotline. (n.d.). Know the red flags of abuse.
National Domestic Violence Hotline. (n.d.). Mutual abuse: It’s not real.
Partnership Against Domestic Violence. (n.d.). Safety planning.
Safe Family Justice Centers. (2024). Understanding the cycle of abuse: Recognizing patterns and seeking help.
Substance Abuse and Mental Health Services Administration. (2024). Trauma and violence.
The Mend Project. (n.d.). What most miss about reactive abuse.
