How to Help and Support Someone in an Abusive Relationship
Key takeaways:
There are many different types of abuse that can occur in relationships, including physical, emotional, and psychological abuse.
When it comes to helping a person who is in an abusive relationship, it is important to listen, provide support, and offer to help.
Abusive relationships are complicated, and it may take time for a person to feel ready to leave. If your loved one isn’t ready to leave an abusive relationship, respect their decision and continue to show your support.
Abuse can present in many different ways in relationships. It can involve physical or sexual violence, threats, humiliation, control, or stalking. Abuse can occur in relationships between spouses/partners, parents and children, and siblings. This article will focus on abuse in romantic relationships, which is also referred to as domestic violence and intimate partner violence.
When someone you care about is in an abusive relationship, you will understandably feel concerned for their safety. You may be wondering how to show your support and help them end the relationship.
Read on to learn more about the signs of abuse in a romantic relationship, how to help a loved one, and resources for people experiencing domestic violence.
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Quiz: Is my relationship toxic?
What are signs or indications that someone may be in an abusive relationship?
Because there are many different types of abuse, the signs of an abusive relationship can vary. As a loved one, you may witness actual violence or you may notice signs in the person who is experiencing abuse, such as injuries or a change in their behavior. Any form of abuse in a relationship is never OK, so even one sign may indicate that a relationship is abusive.
Signs of an abusive relationship can include:
Violent acts like hitting, kicking, or pushing
Threatening
Humiliating a person in front of others
Stalking
Controlling who a person sees or talks to
Isolation from other people
Monitoring a person’s electronic devices
Destroying property
Controlling a person’s spending
Forbidding a person to hold a job
Forcing sexual activity
“Love bombing,” where an abuser showers a partner with gifts and affection usually early in the relationship
Broken bones, injuries, wounds, and other indications of physical violence
Changes in a person’s mood and demeanor
Low self-esteem
Anxiety and fear, especially while in the presence of the perpetrator
What do you say to someone who may be in an abusive relationship?
It can be hard to find the right words to say to a loved one who may be in an abusive relationship. To show your support, you will want to express your concerns and offer to assist them in getting help.
Some helpful things to say are:
“I’m worried about you.” When you have concerns about abuse in a relationship, share your concerns. You may even describe what signs you have noticed. If your loved one becomes defensive or downplays your concerns, explain that you are there to support them regardless.
“This must be very difficult for you.” It can be incredibly hard for your loved one to open up about their abuse. Empathizing with this difficulty and what they have been through helps them to feel understood.
“You are not alone.” A person in an abusive relationship is likely to feel isolated and alone. They may also feel ashamed and embarrassed. Let them know that you are there for them and willing to help in any way you can.
“How can I help?” Ask your loved one how you can be most helpful to them as they navigate this situation. If they are unsure, you can suggest offering to help them find mental health support, a shelter, file a restraining order, or contact a domestic violence hotline. You can even offer to help with childcare, meals, housing, or finding health insurance.
“I’m here for you no matter what.” Regardless of your loved one’s decision to stay or leave an abusive relationship, it is important to let them know they have your support. Though you may want them to end the relationship, it can take time for them to be ready to do that. Be patient with the process and continue to convey your love and support.
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Dos and don’ts of helping someone in an abusive relationship
Witnessing someone you care about in an abusive relationship can be incredibly difficult. You may feel unsure about what to say or do to help. The best way to support a friend in an abusive relationship is to listen to their experiences, help them notice the signs of abuse, and connect them to resources that can help them.
When it comes to helping a loved one in an abusive relationship, DO:
Listen to their concerns and provide emotional support.
Let them know that the abuse is not their fault.
Offer to help in any way you can, such as childcare or transportation.
Maintain contact with them.
Provide a list of domestic violence resources.
Offer to help them connect with resources and create a safety plan.
When it comes to helping a loved one in an abusive relationship, DON’T:
Ignore the abuse.
Judge or blame the person.
Give them an ultimatum.
Convince them to leave before seeking professional help.
Give up on your loved one.
What safety risks should be considered when helping someone in an abusive relationship?
Even though you may want your loved one to leave right away, pushing them before they are ready or have taken the time to plan can be dangerous. Pressuring a person to leave an abusive relationship may cause them to feel more isolated and alone. It is much more helpful to listen, express your concerns about their safety, and help them find available resources.
Safely leaving an abusive relationship often requires careful planning. Reaching out to a professional organization or hotline (more on that below) can help a person plan out how to leave in a way that lowers the risk of danger. This may include creating a safety plan to reduce your loved one’s risk of being harmed. It’s really important to consider the physical risks as well as other forms of abuse.
A person leaving an abusive relationship may benefit from getting an order of protection or restraining order. An order of protection forbids contact between the victim and abuser to help keep the victim protected.
A person can apply for a restraining order at a local courthouse, women’s shelter, lawyer’s office, or police station. Restraining orders are free and having a lawyer is not required.
Resources and support for domestic violence
Domestic violence is complex and needs to be addressed carefully with the help of professionals. For more information on how to get help for domestic violence, see the following organizations and resources:
National Domestic Violence Hotline: The free and confidential hotline is available 24/7 and can be reached by phone at 1-800-799-SAFE (7233). You can also text “Start” to 88788. The hotline offers support and resources for people experiencing domestic violence. Their site also provides information on getting help, safety planning, and ways to support others experiencing domestic abuse.
Rape, Abuse, & Incest National Network (RAINN): RAINN provides information on sexual violence and operates the National Sexual Assault Hotline. The hotline is free, confidential, and available 24/7. It can be reached at 800-656-HOPE (4673), or you can chat with a trained support specialist online.
Victim Connect Resource Center (VCRC): Operated by the National Center for Victims of Crime, the VCRC is a referral helpline that offers information for crime victims in the U.S. The helpline provides confidential, trauma-informed services. You can reach the VCRC by calling 1-855-484-2846 or chatting online. Services are available Monday through Friday from 9AM to 5PM EST.
National Center on Domestic Violence, Trauma, and Mental Health: This organization provides a list of additional domestic violence organizations and resources nationwide.
The bottom line
When someone you care about is in an abusive relationship, you can show your support by listening, asking them how you can help, and providing them with resources. Though you may feel strongly that they should leave the relationship, pushing them too hard or giving an ultimatum may isolate them from you. It is much more helpful to let them know you will continue to be there for them and help in any way that you can.
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References
California Courts. (n.d.). Make a safety plan.
HealthDirect Australia. (2020). Domestic violence and abusive relationships.
National Center on Domestic Violence, Trauma & Mental Health. (n.d.). National domestic violence organizations.
National Domestic Violence Hotline. (n.d.). Create a safety plan.
Office on Women’s Health. (n.d.). Getting a restraining order.
Office on Women’s Health. (n.d.). How to help a friend who is being abused.
Office on Women’s Health. (2021). Signs of domestic violence or abuse.
The U.S. Department of Justice. (n.d.). Domestic violence.
For additional resources or to connect with mental health services in your area, call SAMHSA’s National Helpline at 1-800-662-4357. For immediate assistance, call the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 988, or text HOME to 741-741 to reach the Crisis Text Line.
