What Is Love Bombing?
Key takeaways:
Love bombing occurs when someone showers another with over-the-top flattery, gifts, or affection.
In some cases, love bombing is part of emotional abuse and may be used to control a partner.
In a healthy relationship, love builds gradually over time, and both partners have equal power and freedom.
It’s normal to enjoy love and affection. Gifts and compliments may make you feel appreciated and special. However, in some situations, the affection is over the top and can become uncomfortable for the one receiving it.
This is sometimes called love bombing. Here’s what you should know about love bombing and what to do if it happens to you.
Definition of love bombing
Love bombing is a term typically used to describe one person showering the other with gifts, praise, and affection. However, the phrase does not have a formal definition in psychology.
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Love bombing may be used as a way to influence or control a romantic partner. This often occurs at the beginning of a relationship.
It has this effect because of a cycle called idealization and devaluation, or “splitting.” First, a partner goes above and beyond to show how much you mean to them (idealization like love bombing). Then, they start to devalue you through actions like putting you down, violating your boundaries, or other abusive behaviors. They may repeat this cycle, which can make it difficult to leave the relationship.
Sometimes, a person who love bombs may not be aware they are using this relationship pattern. But that doesn’t mean that it can’t be harmful to their partner.
Here are signs that a partner may be love bombing:
Excessive flattery early on in a relationship
Giving multiple gifts, especially soon after meeting
Saying “I love you” in the early days of a relationship
Wanting a long-term commitment right away
Turning on the affection when they’re afraid they’ll lose the other person
Quiz: Is my relationship toxic?
Why do people love bomb?
Love bombing can occur for a variety of reasons. In some cases, expressions of love too early in a relationship might be the result of insecurities. Someone may have trouble starting a relationship, so they go overboard trying to secure one.
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The person who is love bombing may have low self-confidence. It can also be the result of a lack of social skills or not understanding appropriate boundaries. They might also be swept up in feelings of infatuation. In many of these instances, love bombing likely isn’t an attempt to gain power over their partner.
In an unhealthy relationship, however, love bombing may occur within a pattern of emotional abuse. Your partner may violate your boundaries. Signs of emotional abuse include:
Constant jealousy
Cutting you off from friends and family
Needing to be in constant contact
Monitoring your phone and computer use
Embarrassing you in front of others
Putting you down
Threatening you or those you love, including pets
In some cases, an abuser may express more affection at the beginning of the relationship to make you feel closer to them. They may also become more loving and affectionate if other types of control quit working.
How does love bombing differ from gaslighting?
Controlling partners may attempt to gaslight as well. Gaslighting is when one person tries to make the other person question their judgment, experiences, or reality.
Someone trying to gaslight a partner may deny things they clearly said or question their partner’s memories. Over time, this can cause their partner to feel confused and insecure. The victim may start to wonder if they’re imagining the abuse.
Gaslighting is not typically defined the same way as love bombing. But love bombing could be used as one more way to confuse you. An abuser may combine the strategies in an attempt to control their partner.
Do only narcissists love bomb?
Love bombing is sometimes described as a behavior used by people with narcissistic traits. One of these traits may include an overall pattern of control.
Episodes of love bombing may be mixed with intimidation, insults, and an attempt to isolate you. One small study found that people with narcissistic traits may use love bombing as a way to initiate relationships.
More research is needed to understand the connection between narcissism and love bombing.
However, a person does not need to have narcissitic traits to love bomb.
Healthy love versus love bombing
In a healthy relationship, love and commitment build over time as you get to know one another.
Partners are often affectionate, but love isn’t used as a way to control the other or minimize abuse. Other signs of a healthy relationship include:
Open communication
Respect
Honesty
Time apart and together
Equality
Trust
While no relationship is perfect, both people should feel safe and comfortable. Neither should have more power than the other.
What should you do if your partner is love bombing you?
It can be alarming to hear that affection may be a sign of abuse. If you are concerned, look for a pattern.
Is your partner going against your boundaries? Do they switch between affection and insults? Are they attempting to control your behavior, such as what you wear or who you spend time with? If so, these may be signs of emotional abuse. When affection is mixed in with controlling behaviors, it can become very confusing.
Many people need outside help to see things clearly. You may wish to talk to a supportive friend or mental health professional about what’s going on. You can also find help through the National Domestic Violence Hotline. You can visit them online or call 1-800-799-7233.
The bottom line
Love bombing is a term that describes someone showering another with excessive affection, flattery, or gifts. Abusers may use it as a tactic within a pattern of other controlling behaviors. If you’re concerned that your partner or anyone else is being emotionally abusive, consider reaching out to a supportive friend or mental health professional for help.
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References
DC.gov. (n.d.). The cycle of violence.
Langeslag, S. J. E., et al. (2016). Regulation of romantic love feelings: Preconceptions, strategies, and feasibility. PloS One.
Love is Respect. (n.d.). Too good to be true.
National Domestic Violence Hotline. (n.d.). Here for you.
National Domestic Violence Hotline. (n.d.). Power and control.
National Domestic Violence Hotline. (n.d.). What is gaslighting?.
Office on Women’s Health. (2021). Emotional and verbal abuse.
Strutzenberg, C., et al. (2017). Love-bombing: A narcissistic approach to relationship formation. Discovery.
For additional resources or to connect with mental health services in your area, call SAMHSA’s National Helpline at 1-800-662-4357. For immediate assistance, call the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 988, or text HOME to 741-741 to reach the Crisis Text Line.
