How to Tell If What You’re Experiencing Is Verbal Abuse
Key takeaways:
Verbal abuse is a pattern of unhealthy behavior. It happens when one person in a relationship belittles, mocks, or humiliates their partner in an effort to exert control.
There is a difference between experiencing verbal abuse and arguing with your partner.
Feeling afraid or unable to speak up to your partner could be a sign that you’re experiencing verbal abuse. No one should have to walk on eggshells to be in a relationship.
Verbal abuse doesn’t leave behind physical scars, but it can be just as harmful as other types of abuse. Being exposed to verbal abuse can have a lasting effect on a victim’s mental and physical health. Fortunately, however, there are several free, confidential resources available to help keep you and your loved ones safe.
Quiz: Is my relationship toxic?
What is verbal abuse?
Verbal abuse is when a person uses words to attempt to control their partner. It can take many forms and occurs in relationships where there’s an imbalance of power. It’s designed to hurt and humiliate, and it’s often accompanied by other forms of abuse. While it can happen in any relationship, this article will focus on verbal abuse in romantic relationships.
You might be experiencing verbal abuse if someone:
Frequently threatens or insults you
Calls you names
Humiliates you in a way that makes you feel afraid or controlled
Yells or curses at you often
Threatens you to prevent you from doing certain things
Insults you but then claims it was a joke
Demands that you do or not do certain things
Says things that are designed to make you feel guilty or manipulate you
Talks down to you or treats you as though you’re stupid
Gives you the “silent treatment” and refuses to speak to you at all
Search and compare options
Unlike the occasional arguments that occur in most relationships, verbal abuse is not a “once in a while” occurrence. Rather, there’s a pattern to the abusive behavior, and abusers do not take responsibility for the harm they cause. Often, an abuser will follow the abuse by apologizing or love bombing their partner, but they don’t truly change their behavior.
Instead, they often gaslight their victims by denying any wrongdoing or blaming the victim for the problems. Over time, this can wear down a victim’s self-esteem and take a toll on their mental health.
More examples of verbal abuse
If you’re wondering what verbal abuse sounds like, it’s important to know that it’s different from arguing. Arguing can cause hurt feelings, but conflict is a normal part of healthy relationships.
But if you’re experiencing any of the following in your relationship and you feel nervous or afraid to speak up to your partner, it could signal an unhealthy or abusive dynamic.
Name-calling and insults that hurt your feelings
Criticizing how you look, speak, or act
Telling you who you can or can’t spend time with
Preventing you from doing things you enjoy
Dictating what you wear or other aspects of your appearance
Threatening to harm you unless you comply with their demands
Making fun of you in front of other people
Telling you the abusive behaviors are your fault
Saying you’re lucky to have them or that no one else would want you
Questioning your recollection of past conversations or events
Constantly texting you about your whereabouts when you’re not at home
Screaming or yelling at you
Making you feel immature or guilty if you try to stand up for yourself
Effects of verbal abuse
Verbal abuse can take a toll on a victim’s mind that can be just as serious as the impact of physical or sexual abuse on the body.
Read more like this
Explore these related articles, suggested for readers like you.
In the short-term, many victims of verbal abuse report:
Questioning their sense of reality or their memory of events
Wondering if the abuse really happened
Worrying about upsetting their partner or “walking on eggshells” all the time
Feeling unlovable or unwanted
Feeling powerless
Experiencing constant manipulation
Beginning to change their choice of words or actions in an attempt to avoid “setting their partner off”
A loss of control or sense of autonomy
Feeling guilty or ashamed
Believing that they’re responsible for the abuse
In the long term, research shows that those who experience verbal abuse may face higher rates of:
Depression
Substance misuse
Dissociation
Anxiety, including social anxiety
What can be done to treat the effects of verbal abuse?
The first step in treating the effects of verbal abuse is making sure you are safe and have access to the resources you need. If you need help getting started, call the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 1-800-799-7233 or text START to 88788.
Medical and mental health providers, hotline responders, and social workers are some of the people who can help with this step. They can connect you with resources in your community to help keep you and your loved ones safe.
From there, you can explore some options to begin healing from the effects of verbal abuse. There are a variety of therapies that can help, including both individual and group therapies that focus on:
Overcoming social isolation
Grieving the end of a relationship
Parenting skills
Promoting safe thoughts, behaviors, and relationships
Understanding trauma
Substance misuse issues
Emotional regulation skills
Positive coping skills
Self-compassion
Navigating life changes
Building social connections
What can you do if you are being verbally abused?
Being in an abusive relationship can make reaching out for help feel overwhelming or scary. But there are free, confidential resources that can help you navigate your situation safely.
The National Domestic Violence Hotline has a directory you can use to find all sorts of local resources. They also have trained advocates who can help with things like:
Referrals for housing, therapists, and medical providers
Improving communication with your partner
Making a safety plan to leave the relationship
You can call, chat, or text an advocate anytime, and you can do so without having to provide identifying information. They will ask you some questions to get to know your situation and then work with you to brainstorm solutions. Hotline advocates recommend contacting them when your partner isn’t around, so that you can speak in privacy. Know that the hotline isn't there to report your situation to authorities, and their only goal is to help keep you and your loved ones safe.
The bottom line
Unlike physical abuse, verbal abuse doesn’t leave behind visible signs. But it can still create lasting emotional scars. Verbal abuse happens in unhealthy relationships where there’s an imbalance of power. It’s designed to hurt and humiliate and it can show up as yelling or cursing at you, using words to humiliate or insult you, or telling you that the abuse is your fault. If you or someone you care about is dealing with verbal abuse, know that help is available. Contact the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 1-800-799-7233 to speak with someone who can help you find local resources and make a safety plan.
Why trust our experts?
References
American Psychiatric Association. (2019). Treating women who have experienced intimate partner violence.
American Psychological Association Dictionary of Psychology. (n.d.). Gaslight.
American Psychological Association Dictionary of Psychology. (n.d.). Verbal abuse.
DomesticShelters.org. (2016). It’s okay to argue.
Dye, H. L. (2020). Is emotional abuse as harmful as physical and/or sexual abuse? Journal of Child & Adolescent Trauma.
Kippert, A. (2016). 10 patterns of verbal abuse. DomesticShelters.org.
Momene, J., et al. (2022). Eating disorders and intimate partner violence: The influence of fear of loneliness and social withdrawal. Nutrients.
National Domestic Violence Hotline. (n.d.). Types of abuse.
National Domestic Violence Hotline. (n.d.). “Am I hurting my partner?”
Oregon Department of Human Services. (n.d.). Emotional abuse guidelines.
Teicher, M. H., et al. (2010). Hurtful words: Association of exposure to peer verbal abuse with elevated psychiatric symptom scores and corpus callosum abnormalities. American Journal of Psychiatry.
U.S. Office on Women’s Health. (2021). Emotional and verbal abuse.
Yun, J., et al. (2019). Verbal abuse related to self-esteem damage and unjust blame harms mental health and social interaction in college population. Scientific Reports.
For additional resources or to connect with mental health services in your area, call SAMHSA’s National Helpline at 1-800-662-4357. For immediate assistance, call the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 988, or text HOME to 741-741 to reach the Crisis Text Line.
