Is It Normal for Your Therapist to Talk About Their Personal Life?
Key takeaways:
Self-disclosure refers to a therapist revealing personal information about themselves to a client.
Therapist self-disclosure can have positive or negative effects for the client, depending on how and why it is done.
Therapists should always consider their client’s best interests when deciding whether or not to reveal personal information about themselves.
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Whether therapists should talk about their personal life in therapy is a controversial topic. Historically, most therapists avoided talking about themselves and instead tried to remain as neutral as possible. Over time, and with the emergence of different types of therapies, many therapists are now more open to using self-disclosure as a way to help their clients.
What is self-disclosure in therapy?
Self-disclosure in therapy is when a therapist shares something personal about themselves with a client. There are different types of self-disclosure that can come up in therapy:
Accidental disclosures happen when a therapist unintentionally reveals something about themselves. This could happen, for example, if a therapist runs into their client in public and is with their family. The client might accidentally learn that the therapist has children.
Unavoidable self-disclosures occur when personal information about a therapist is revealed to the client because the therapist cannot conceal the information. For example, a therapist’s race is an unavoidable disclosure.
Client-initiated disclosures take place when the client asks about their therapist on their own. Clients may also use the internet or social media to learn about their therapists.
Deliberate disclosures happen when a therapist intentionally reveals something personal about themselves.
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Therapists may use deliberate disclosure to share their thoughts and feelings about the client. Or it can be used to share something that is happening in the therapy relationship. For example, a therapist may share that a client seems to pull away every time the therapist asks a question. The goal of this disclosure is to improve the client’s insight into their behavior.
Deliberate self-disclosure can also be used to share a personal experience the therapist has had. Typically, therapists share personal information to help build rapport and trust. For example, a therapist working with a client who is going through a divorce may share that they are also divorced.
Most therapists are trained to use self-disclosure sparingly and only when it would benefit the client.
Appropriate vs. inappropriate self-disclosure in therapy
Appropriate therapist self-disclosures are done with the client’s best interests in mind. They do not cross any therapeutic boundaries. Inappropriate disclosures are harmful to the client or therapy.
A therapist’s self-disclosure could be inappropriate if it:
Primarily benefits the therapist
Blurs the boundaries of the therapeutic relationship
Causes the client to feel uncomfortable
Results in the client feeling overwhelmed or misunderstood
Violates the therapist’s ethics code
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Examples of appropriate self-disclosure in therapy
Examples of appropriate self-disclosures by a therapist are:
An LGBTQIA client asks their therapist if they belong to the same community. The therapist says “yes,” and asks the client how they feel about that. Through discussion, the therapist and client learn that they attend the same community center. They talk about how to navigate run-ins with one another while maintaining the client’s confidentiality.
A client with a substance use disorder asks their therapist if they have a personal background with addiction. Before answering, the therapist explores the meaning behind this question. They ask the client to consider how they would feel depending on whether the therapist said “yes” or “no.” The therapist uses this as an opportunity to understand the client and build trust before answering.
Examples of inappropriate self-disclosure in therapy
Examples of inappropriate therapist self-disclosures include:
A therapist talks about their personal life without any reason for how it would help their client.
A therapist discloses something personal to a client who already has difficulty with boundaries.
A therapist shares information about working with other clients.
A therapist discusses with a client their sexual encounters.
Therapists should never disclose personal information about their sex life with you. This is a red flag and a warning sign of inappropriate therapist behavior. If your therapist talks about their sexual experiences or expresses sexual interest in you, you have a right to report them. Your state licensing board can assist you with making a formal complaint against your therapist.
How can self-disclosure affect your therapy?
Self-disclosure could affect your therapy in positive or negative ways. The impact of self-disclosure depends on a number of factors, including:
What your therapist shares
How frequently your therapist shares personal information
When they disclose personal information
Research suggests that therapist self-disclosure can have positive effects on the therapeutic relationship. Therapists who use self-disclosure appropriately can come across as warm, trustworthy, and more human. Appropriate self-disclosure can also allow the therapist and client to explore the client’s issues more deeply.
Therapist self-disclosure can also help build trust in cross-cultural therapy relationships. Research suggests that self-disclosure among white therapists has positive effects on the therapeutic relationship with clients of color. This is especially true when the disclosures are aligned with the client’s cultural values. It’s important, though, that these disclosures are sincere and genuine.
On the flip side, sometimes therapist self-disclosure can harm therapy. In some cases, it could cause the client to feel overwhelmed by details about the therapist’s personal life. The client could also feel like they have to step in to take care of the therapist.
Generally, therapist self-disclosure is most effective when it’s done only occasionally. It’s also most effective — and only appropriate — when done for the client’s benefit, not the therapist’s. Therapists should also bring the focus back to the client after sharing something personal.
What should you do if your therapist frequently talks about themselves?
Your therapy should be centered on you, not your therapist’s personal life. If your therapist talks about themselves too much, it’s usually a red flag. In this case, you could either bring up the issue to your therapist or look for a new therapist.
If you feel like your therapist's self-disclosures are taking over your therapy, you can talk to them about this. You have every right to bring up any concerns that you have.
Having a conversation like this with your therapist can feel uncomfortable. But it’s your therapist’s job to listen. It could be a good opportunity for you to work on asserting yourself. It can also strengthen your therapeutic relationship if you and your therapist are able to work through it together.
If your current therapist isn’t open to your feedback or responds with defensiveness or judgment, then it’s probably time to find a new therapist. If your therapist’s disclosures are inappropriate or make you feel uncomfortable, then it’s also often best to end the relationship altogether.
Sometimes therapists and clients are not a good fit for one another. It can take trying out a few therapists to find the right one. Don’t feel discouraged or give up. When you’re searching for a new therapist, let them know exactly what you’re looking for.
The bottom line
It’s normal for therapists to use self-disclosure and share about their personal lives occasionally. Therapists should do this with the intention to help the client. It’s not normal for therapists to overshare, discuss anything inappropriate, or take over your session. Your therapist’s self-disclosures should be infrequent, helpful, and focused on you. If your therapist shares too much about themselves, you can either talk to them about it or look for a new therapist altogether.
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References
APA PsychNet. (2001). Self-disclosure.
Berg, H., et al. (2020). Therapist self-disclosure and the problem of shared-decision making. Journal of Evaluation in Clinical Practice.
California Department of Consumer Affairs. (2019). Therapy never includes sexual behavior.
Danzer, G. (2017). White therapist self-disclosure in multicultural contexts. Psychotherapy Bulletin.
Henretty. J. R.. et al. (2010). The role of therapist self-disclosure in psychotherapy: A qualitative review. Clinical Psychology Review.
Myers, D. M. (2020). What did Carl Rogers say on the topic of therapist self-disclosure? A comprehensive review of his recorded clinical work. The Person Centered Journal.
William & Mary School of Education. (2023). The skill of self-disclosure.
For additional resources or to connect with mental health services in your area, call SAMHSA’s National Helpline at 1-800-662-4357. For immediate assistance, call the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 988, or text HOME to 741-741 to reach the Crisis Text Line.
