Is It OK to Ask Your Therapist Personal Questions?
Key takeaways:
When asked a personal question, a good therapist will consider the implications of answering and only answer if it is in the client’s best interest.
Therapists should not disclose personal information for their own benefit or share anything that could burden the client.
Therapy is a safe space for clients to bring up any concerns or questions they may have. So if you have questions about how your therapist talks about their personal life, it’s OK to ask.
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There are many different types of therapy that can help manage mental health conditions and other issues. But nearly all forms of therapy involve working with a trained therapist. Therapy differs from family relationships or friendships because it’s completely focused on your life.
Because therapy is a one-sided relationship, therapists do not usually share much information about their personal lives. However, curiosity about your therapist’s personal life is normal. Here’s how to handle that curiosity.
Is it normal for a client to ask a therapist about their personal life?
Clients are welcome to ask their therapist personal questions. But your therapist may or may not answer them.
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In therapy, clients have the right to bring up whatever is on their mind. Often, clients are curious about their therapists. They may want to know more about their therapist’s personal life, especially since clients share so much about themselves. This is completely normal.
Depending on their cultural background, some individuals may also feel uncomfortable disclosing personal information without knowing much about their therapist. Asking personal questions could be a way to build trust with the therapist. Research shows that this can strengthen the therapeutic relationship and reduce drop-out rates among people from certain cultures.
A good therapist will carefully consider whether answering a personal question is in the client’s best interest. If they decide an answer would be helpful for the client, then they may answer it. But if answering could have negative consequences or the question is being used to deflect from something important, then they may not answer it.
Your therapist may try to explore the question further with you before deciding to answer. They may ask you to expand on your reasons for asking the question. They may also wonder if there is an answer that you’re expecting or hoping for, and how you would feel if they did answer.
What questions should I not ask my therapist?
Examples of questions that your therapist is more likely to not answer include:
Where do you live?
Are you married?
Do you have children?
What is your religion?
What political party do you belong to?
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Your therapist may not answer these questions because they could negatively affect the therapeutic relationship. For example, if you and your therapist are in different political parties, you may feel uncomfortable working with them, even if your therapist never tries to influence you. Similarly, if you learn that your therapist is married, but you are struggling to find a partner, you may feel envious of them.
Should I feel bad if my therapist refuses to answer a personal question?
If your therapist refuses to answer a personal question, you may feel embarrassed or ashamed. You may also feel annoyed or even angry. These feelings are normal. You might experience it as a form of rejection and think your therapist isn’t willing to open up to you.
If your therapist refuses to answer your question, listen to their reasons for not answering. Perhaps the question was too personal or they are concerned that the answer may harm you in some way.
Mental health professionals are bound by ethics code that require them to practice nonmaleficence, which means to not do anything that could cause harm. If a therapist feels that the answer may be harmful in some way, they will not answer.
If you do experience any difficult feelings, try to talk to your therapist about them. It can be uncomfortable to talk about something like this, but it is important. This can help you better understand yourself and may even deepen your relationship with your therapist.
What is inappropriate self-disclosure?
Therapists must be very careful with what they reveal about themselves. A disclosure that causes harm to the client or crosses therapeutic boundaries is inappropriate.
Inappropriate disclosures are those that:
Benefit the therapist rather than the client
Burden the client
Put the client in a position to take care of the therapist
Involve any discussion of the therapist’s sexual life or fantasies
Some inappropriate therapist self-disclosures are obvious, while others may be harder to detect. An example of an obvious inappropriate disclosure would be a therapist venting to a client about their own spouse.
A less obvious inappropriate disclosure would be a therapist letting a client know that they need to take several weeks to have surgery. While it’s important for the client to know that the therapist will be unavailable for a period of time, this type of disclosure should be done carefully.
If the client is told that the therapist is having surgery, they may feel incredibly anxious about the therapist’s health and well-being. They may also feel like they need to take care of the therapist, causing a role reversal. In cases like this, therapists generally consult with other therapists to make sure they are approaching it with the client’s best interests at hand.
What should I do if my therapist reveals too much personal information?
Revealing too much personal information can be a red flag about a therapist. The focus of therapy should be on you, not your therapist’s personal life. If a therapist reveals too much personal information, you have a few options.
If you feel that your therapist's disclosures are excessive and unhelpful, but not harmful, then you could share your feelings with them. A good therapist will listen to your concerns and work through them with you. If your therapist does not respond well, then this is also a red flag. Consider looking for a new therapist who is more open and maintains appropriate boundaries.
If you feel that your therapist’s disclosures are harmful to your therapy, then it is best to stop treatment with your therapist. You could also consider reporting unethical or sexually inappropriate behavior to your therapist’s licensing board. As a client, you have the right to be treated with respect. If your therapist violates your rights, you can report them.
To make a report, search for your state along with the type of license that your therapist holds, such as psychology, social work, or counseling. You can find the details on how to make a report on your state’s licensing board’s website.
What are good questions to ask my therapist to get to know them?
Building rapport with your therapist is an important part of starting therapy. At the beginning of therapy, your therapist will ask you a lot of questions to get to know you. At the same time, you may want to get to know them.
When it comes to getting to know your therapist, it’s best to focus on getting to know their professional role. Your therapist will have no problem answering questions about their approach and qualifications.
Some good questions to get to know your therapist are:
Can you tell me about your experience and training as a therapist?
What type of license or degree do you hold?
How do you approach working with clients with my particular problem?
What is a typical therapy session like with you?
If you are a member of a historically underserved group, you may be curious if your therapist is also a member of that group or has experience working with clients within that group. You are welcome to ask your therapist any questions about their identity that you feel would be important to know. Your therapist will explore the question with you and consider whether it is therapeutic to answer. If your therapist feels that it could strengthen your relationship or benefit you, they will likely answer the question.
Tips for developing and maintaining a healthy therapeutic relationship
A healthy and positive therapeutic relationship is an important — if not the most important — part of therapy. The therapeutic alliance, or relationship, consists of three key factors:
Collaboration between the therapist and client
An emotional bond
Agreement on treatment goals and tasks
As a client, you can do your part to foster a healthy therapeutic relationship by:
Honestly sharing your thoughts and feelings
Letting your therapist know if you don’t like or don’t agree with something
Identifying your goals for treatment
Respecting the boundaries of therapy
Attending therapy consistently
Continuing your work outside of the sessions by completing homework assignments and engaging in self-reflection
Building a relationship with your therapist takes time, so be patient. If after a few sessions you feel like your therapist isn’t a good fit, consider looking for a new therapist. Sometimes therapists and clients are not a good match for one another. There is likely another therapist out there that you will click with, so don’t give up.
The bottom line
As a client, you can ask your therapist whatever is on your mind. It is up to your therapist to carefully consider the pros and cons of answering any personal questions. If your therapist decides that it could be harmful or non-therapeutic to answer, they will decline and explain why. This may feel embarrassing or hurtful, but keep in mind that your therapist has your best interests at heart.
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References
Abrams, Z. (2022). Navigating thorny topics in therapy. American Psychological Association.
American Counseling Association. (2014). 2014 ACA code of ethics as approved by the ACA governing council.
American Psychological Association. (n.d.). Rapport. American Psychological Association Dictionary of Psychology.
California Department of Consumer Affairs. (2019). Therapy never includes sexual behavior.
Danzer, G. (2017). White therapist self-disclosure in multicultural contexts: A critical discussion of research, boundaries, and bridges. Psychotherapy Bulletin.
Farrah, J. (2013). Self-disclosure - did I say too much? Newfoundland and Labrador Association of Social Workers, Practice Matters.
Phiri, P., et al. (2019). Culture and therapist self-disclosure. The Cognitive Behaviour Therapist.
Stubbe, D. E., et al. (2018). The therapeutic alliance: The fundamental element of psychotherapy. Focus.
For additional resources or to connect with mental health services in your area, call SAMHSA’s National Helpline at 1-800-662-4357. For immediate assistance, call the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 988, or text HOME to 741-741 to reach the Crisis Text Line.
