Key takeaways:
At times during the divorce process, you may feel like your emotions are all over the place. This is normal as you face the end of your marriage.
Coping strategies for divorce — such as journaling, trying a new hobby, and reaching out to friends — can lower stress and ease feelings of sadness and loss.
You may feel like disconnecting from family and friends, but that’s not a good idea. Social support is an important part of your healing process.
A divorce is one of life’s most challenging events. It can lead to high levels of stress, anxiety, and depression and can cause people to become socially isolated.
In some situations, a divorce can feel like a positive and healthy life change. If you’re leaving an abusive relationship or a spouse who cheats, for example, you may feel a sense of relief. However, you’ll still face challenges as you go through the divorce process.
On the other hand, you may be in a situation that doesn’t bring any relief or positive feelings. For instance, you may have thought your marriage was humming along just fine. And you felt shocked and betrayed when your spouse told you they wanted a divorce.
No matter how you got here, divorce can be devastating. Below, you’ll find strategies to cope with feelings like sadness, anger, and grief — all of which are normal responses to the end of a marriage. Plus, we’ve included tips on how to discuss divorce with children and teens and a list of divorce support groups.
Tips for coping before and after divorce
If you’re struggling with a divorce, these strategies can help. Some are meant to help you take care of your mental and physical health. Others focus on helping you find support from loved ones and from professionals like mediators and counselors.
1. Be compassionate to yourself
Practicing self-compassion can go a long way when you’re having a hard time. Try not to blame yourself. Be kind and forgiving to yourself. Remember that painful experiences are as much a natural part of life as joyful experiences are.
2. Surround yourself with family and friends
Trying to get through a divorce alone can cause more stress and anxiety and can affect your relationships and work. Share your thoughts and feelings with people you trust in order to get the support you need.
3. Practice self-care
Make sure you eat healthy, stay active, and sleep well. Take time to relax after work and on the weekends. Treat yourself to a massage, a weekend away, or walks in your neighborhood park.
4. Engage in interests and hobbies
Now is a good time to reconnect with activities you enjoy or to try something new. Think about volunteering, signing up for an art class, or joining a book club.
Read more like this
Explore these related articles, suggested for readers like you.
5. Be flexible
Some days, you’re going to feel great and other days you’re going to feel angry or sad. Tune into your feelings, and give yourself permission to change plans as needed.
6. Be aware of your triggers
Triggers are reminders of your marriage and divorce that lead to difficult emotions. A trigger might be something like a song on the radio, a scene from a movie, or the smell of your favorite takeout. Being aware of triggers is easier said than done, because a trigger can come out of nowhere.
When you get triggered, take deep breaths in and blow them out slowly. Either take time to process your feelings or put the trigger in a mental “box” and tell it you’ll come back to it later. Come back to process it when you’re ready.
7. Journal your thoughts
Journaling can calm anxiety and help you make sense of repetitive thoughts that overwhelm your brain. Try writing for 15 to 20 minutes every morning.
8. Work with a mediator
If it makes sense for your situation, consider working with a mediator. A mediator is an impartial person who can help you and your partner avoid conflict as you navigate things like co-parenting or working out your divorce agreement.
You may find a mediator through the court system or through a therapy practice that specializes in divorces.
9. Get counseling
In addition to feeling sad or angry, you may have a sense of guilt or shame. You may even have suicidal thoughts. These feelings may be scary and difficult to manage on your own. Counselors and therapists are trained to guide you through processing your emotions. They can also offer additional support as you navigate divorce.
What are the stages of getting over a divorce?
In many ways, divorce marks the end of a chapter in your life. You may have the same feelings you would at the loss of a loved one. It’s not surprising then that experts have adapted the stages of grief to describe the emotions you might experience:
Denial
Depression
Anger
Bargaining (not wanting to deal with the reality of the loss)
Acceptance
Keep in mind that you may not experience these in order. You may feel angry for a few days, then depressed, and then be in denial. You may think you’ve accepted the divorce and moved on with your life only to get slammed with anger out of the blue. This is all normal.
Many people take an average of 2 to 4 years to recover from divorce. But remember that you will recover and you will feel joy and hope again.
How do I help my children deal with my divorce?
Divorce can be just as hard on children as it is on the partners who are separating. During a divorce, parents have the difficult task of breaking the news to their kids and then helping them process their feelings.
“The question, ‘How do I tell my child?’ can paralyze parents,” says Maud Purcell, a psychotherapist and founder of The Life Solution Center in Connecticut. “But once they have some good language to use, it can make that first step easier.”
How to talk to younger kids about divorce
Purcell offers these tips to help children cope with divorce:
If possible, talk to your children together with your partner, using an agreed-upon script. If that’s not something you can do, have the parent who can be the most impartial and constructive tell the children.
Speak calmly. “It’s enough for the kids to deal with the concept of what they’re about to hear,” says Purcell. “If you’re a child and you watch your parents fall apart, it’s way too much information for them to handle.”
Remind your kids that you love them unconditionally and that you’ll always be there for them. Assure them that you’re not getting divorced because of anything they’ve done.
Tell them you’ve come to recognize that you and your partner will function better as parents if you don’t live together. You might say something like, “We’re sure you’ve seen that sometimes Mom and Dad don’t agree. We’ve worked to resolve our issues, but we haven't been successful. We’ll do a better job living separately.”
Be open to answering your kids’ questions and talking about their feelings if they’re angry or upset.
Explain what the new living arrangements will look like. Purcell recommends having this worked out before you talk with your children. Then make it an adventure and enlist their help in setting up the new place.
If possible, end your conversation with a positive experience, like a meal. Then have the parent who is moving out take the kids to see their new residence.
How to talk to teen children about divorce
Teenagers process divorce a little differently. They have higher-order thinking skills and may be in relationships themselves.
“Be mindful of their experience, speak kindly, and empathize with them,” says Molly Miller, a therapist based in Nashville, Tennessee, who counsels teens and young adults through their parents’ divorce. “This will help tremendously with their grief and the changes they have to deal with in a divorce.”
Miller suggests the following strategies for parents of teenagers:
Get them into counseling with a therapist who specializes in teens. This will give them a space to speak freely without having to consider your feelings.
Give your teens opportunities to make decisions and be independent. The more they have a voice, the better the process will be for them.
Avoid negative talk about your partner. “You don’t have to sing their praises, but refrain from critical comments or complaints,” says Miller. “This will help your kiddo not feel like they’re in the middle.” Allow your child to decide on their own how they feel about the other partner.
When your teen is ready to talk about what they’re going through, do more listening than fixing. Say things like “That does sound difficult” or “Divorce really sucks,” instead of “Well if you would do A and B, it might be easier.”
Connect with them about how difficult it is for a family to separate. Avoid trite comments like “It’s not that bad” or “Everything happens for a reason.”
When they want to talk, remove yourself from the equation. Let it be all about them. No advice, no solutions, no “When I went through it.” Focus on them and their feelings.
Spend 5 to 10 intentional minutes a day with them. No phones, no school talk, no sports talk. Just go get a coffee, for example, and talk about your day-to-day life. Get some conversation starter cards if you need to. If your teen hates these conversations, start with just 3 minutes. “This will take time to get used to and might be awkward at first, but it will be worth it in the long run,” says Miller.
Create a joint email with their other parent and any other caregivers or stepparents. Use this email to communicate with their school and any church groups, sports teams, or other activities they are involved with. This will help everyone in your teen’s support system know what’s going on and decrease miscommunication.
Where can I find a divorce support group?
Support groups can provide a safe space to process what you’re going through with people who are experiencing similar struggles. Groups meet in-person and online and most of them are free.
DivorceCare: This faith-based group meets in churches across the country. The program is free and open to anyone regardless of their religious beliefs. They provide 13 weeks of video-based lessons followed by in-class discussions. You can find a group by entering your city and state in DivorceCare’s search tool.
Woman’s Divorce: This website hosts conversations between women who are going through divorce. You can leave a comment on an existing message-board post or start a discussion of your own.
My Support Forums: This is an online community of mental health support groups that has a forum for divorced and separated people. Discussion topics include grief, losing friendships, and moving on with life.
Daily Strength: The Breakups & Divorce forum on Daily Strength is a place to vent your frustrations, ask questions about the legal process, or comment on other people’s challenges and victories.
Circles: If you’re looking for a group led by a mental health professional, you could try Circles. They provide online divorce support groups that meet for 12 weeks. The first meeting is free and subscriptions cost $79 a month. You can cancel anytime.
MensGroup: This men’s platform offers breakup recovery groups led by trained facilitators, including counselors, coaches, and long-term members. It costs $29 a month. You can cancel anytime.
Reinvent Your Life After Divorce: This Facebook group is led by a certified grief counselor who helps women start over after many years of marriage.
Divorcing a Covert Narcissist: Ending a narcissistic relationship comes with its own unique challenges. This Facebook group supports people who have survived narcissistic abuse and want to move on with their lives.
Life After Divorce: This Facebook group provides a place to interact with other people who are recovering from divorce.
Rainbow Families: This organization offers a peer-led Divorced & Separated Rainbow Families support group for LGBTQ+ folks. It meets monthly via Zoom. The group is free for Rainbow Families members and costs $35 per group for non-members.
Is seeing a therapist helpful for coping with divorce?
Yes. Even if you have a strong support system, you may want guidance from a mental health professional. Therapy can provide support and healing during and after divorce.
“The therapist’s job is to help you increase your self-awareness, emotional awareness, and to heal from the trauma and stress of divorce,” says Miller. “Therapy allows for time and space to heal from the trauma so that it doesn’t define you for the rest of your life. It will help you be your best self, partner, parent, employee, and boss.”
A counselor can support you by:
Working through the stages of divorce with you
Giving you insights about what went wrong in the marriage
Offering coping strategies for everyday struggles
Working on communication skills between you and your ex-partner or children
Guiding you as you develop a new life plan
Helping you decide when you’re ready to start dating
Letting you know when to see a psychiatrist or other prescriber for medication if you’re depressed, anxious, or not sleeping
The bottom line
Coping skills can help you get through a divorce. Self-care, maintaining a support system, and journaling might make the process more manageable for you and your children. If you’re feeling overwhelmed, you may want to get counseling. A counselor can help you navigate your emotions and guide you as you settle into a new normal. You may also want to join a divorce support group.
If you or someone you know is having thoughts of suicide, you’re not alone, and help is available. Call the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 988, or text HOME to 741-741 to reach the Crisis Text Line.
Why trust our experts?
References
American Association for Marriage and Family Therapy. (n.d.). Managing conflict during divorce.
Centers for Disease Control and Prevention. (2022). Physical activity: Adults.
Dartmouth. (n.d.). Life change index scale (the stress test).
Lin, I-F., et al. (2019). Depressive symptoms following later-life marital dissolution and subsequent repartnering. Journal of Health and Social Behavior.
Kaslow, F. W. (1980). Stages of divorce: A psychological perspective. Digital Commons.
Mental Health America. (n.d.). Coping with separation and divorce.
Phelan, H. (2018). What’s all this about journaling? The New York Times.
Sander, S., et al. (2020). When love hurts — mental and physical health among recently divorced Danes. Frontiers in Psychology.
Sbarra, D. A., et al. (2011). When leaving your ex, love yourself: Observational ratings of self-compassion predict the course of emotional recovery following marital separation. Psychological Science.
