How to Talk About Sex With Your Partner: 10 Tips From an Expert

Most couples find it easier to have sex than to talk about it. 

Media and cultural expectations may lead you to believe that having pleasurable sex should happen easily and automatically. But this is far from true. Open communication is actually the key to having sex that’s enjoyable to both of you. And it’s especially important to communicate about sex when you’re in a long-term relationship, since people’s needs and desires change over time.

Importance of talking about sex with your partner

You may worry that wanting to talk with your partner about sex means something is wrong with your relationship. 

But that’s not the case, according to Dr. Sarah Schewitz, a psychologist and founder of Couples Learn, a therapy practice with a focus on couples.  

“Talking about sex is helpful and essential in any relationship,” she said. Whether you’re problem-solving or just looking to increase connection and pleasure, talking about sex with your partner has many benefits.

“No two people are exactly alike when it comes to turn-ons, turn-offs, ideas, and beliefs about sex, and the way [their] bodies respond and change as [they] age,” she said. “That's why it’s so important to talk about sex early and often in a relationship.”

Talking about sex with your partner may feel difficult or awkward at first, but there are several reasons it’s good for your relationship. Talking about sex:

• Strengthens trust and closeness between you and your partner. This is known as emotional intimacy. Research suggests that emotional intimacy boosts satisfaction in long-term relationships.

• Leads to better sex. Studies have found that communication about sex increases sexual desire, arousal, and orgasm frequency.

• Helps you and your partner make safe decisions about birth control and prevention of sexually transmitted infection (STI).

• Reduces any embarrassment or uncomfortable feelings you may have around sex. 

• Helps avoid misunderstandings and assumptions. Without communication, it’s difficult for you and your partner to know the other’s needs, likes, and dislikes.

How to bring up the topic of sex in a relationship

Many couples find communication challenging in general. So, when it comes to a topic as complex as sex, it’s normal to feel nervous or awkward at first. If you’re unsure how to start talking to your partner about sex, the following tips can help you approach the conversation.

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1. Choose the right time

Schewitz suggests asking your partner if they are open to talking about sex. Then, choose a time in the near future when you can talk. 

Planning the conversation in advance can be helpful. You and your partner are likely to have a better conversation when neither of you is stressed or distracted. It also means your partner won’t be caught off guard, which may help avoid defensiveness. So choose to talk at a time when you’re both focused and calm enough to express your honest thoughts and feelings.

2. Acknowledge the awkwardness

You can start the conversation by simply admitting that talking about sex is challenging. Being vulnerable with this acknowledgement can help you and your partner feel more at ease. 

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3. Avoid judgemental language

Try not to use language like “you should…” or “bad.” Steer clear of absolutes like “always” and “never.” These words can put your partner on the defensive, and they leave little room for change and growth. Instead, express your feelings and your desire for change using more balanced language. 

Even — and especially — if you’re planning to ask your partner for change, start by sharing some of the things you love about your sexual connection. 

Speaking with sensitivity “ensures that your partner will feel safe,” Schewitz said. 

4. Use ‘I’ statements

Using “I” statements to share your feelings can help your partner avoid the fight-flight-freeze response, an automatic reaction that can happen in a difficult discussion.  

An “I” statement is when you describe your own feelings and experience, keeping the focus on you and away from the other person. It doesn’t assign blame. Examples of an “I” statement are: “I feel lonely when we don’t have sex as often as we used to,” or “I feel uncomfortable when we try that position.”  

In fact, Schewitz suggests starting the whole conversation with the “I” statement “I feel really vulnerable talking about this subject.” Sharing your own vulnerability may help defuse any awkwardness.

5. Ask questions

Asking your partner specific questions may open the door for them to express themselves. And it can help you learn about what’s working and not working for them in your shared sex life.

Schewitz suggests that the following questions may be useful to ask your partner:

• Are you happy with the type of sex we’re having? 

• Are you happy with the frequency of sex? 

• Is there anything you want to try that you’ve been afraid to tell me? 

• Is there anything we’re doing that you don’t like? 

• Are you comfortable (physically and emotionally) when we have sex? Are there moments of discomfort? And is there anything else I can do to change that? 

• What are your turn-ons and turn-offs? 

6. Be an active listener

Show your partner that you’re listening by keeping eye contact. Face them with your body. Let them finish their thought before you jump in. You can also practice active listening by rephrasing what your partner has just said to make sure you understood them correctly. It may help to hold hands with your partner or physically connect with them in a nonsexual way during conversation.

7. Consider setting up a weekly check-in

Schewitz said couples can benefit from setting up a regular, weekly check-in to see how the relationship is going overall. When this is a built-in practice, couples get used to communicating openly. Questions to consider for a regular check-in include: “What are some times that we have felt connected to each other this week?” and “What are some moments of disconnection?”

Eventually, these weekly check-ins can be a time to talk about sex. Asking your partner a simple question like, “How do you feel about our sexual connection this week?” can open up the conversation. 

Regular check-ins are helpful because they take the pressure off of initiating conversations, Schewitz said. The ultimate goal is to “create a culture of ease and openness when talking about sex so that you both feel comfortable bringing up the topic as you, your desire, and your body change,” she said.

8. Keep goals small

If you and your partner don’t typically talk about sex, you may need to set small goals and expectations for each conversation. Simply opening up the dialogue is a big step — and it is progress. 

Try to stick to one issue at a time. And don’t expect an immediate “fix.” It may require time, patience, and practice to communicate well — and to make changes. And remember that even small changes to your sex life can make a difference and add up over time.

9. Find outside help if needed

Some couples may benefit from outside support to help them talk about sex. According to Schewitz, you and your partner may benefit from talking to a therapist if:

• You fight every time you try to talk about sex. 

• One or both of you shuts down and completely avoids the conversation.

• One or both of you has a history of trauma or abuse that hasn’t been previously addressed.

Many kinds of therapists practice couples counseling, including:

• Marriage and family therapists (MFT)

• Licensed clinical social workers (LCSW)

• Licensed professional counselors (LPC)

• Psychologists (PhD or PsyD) 

10. Don’t make assumptions

It’s important to keep in mind that your cultural background can influence how comfortable you feel talking about sex. It may be helpful to reflect on the attitudes toward sex that you grew up with. This may help you better understand what feelings and assumptions you may bring to the conversation. 

Try not to assume your partner shares your same ideas about sex. Instead, listen nonjudgmentally to understand their perspective. 

“We all have very different backgrounds and very different influences that shape who we are and what we like and dislike sexually — and what we think is appropriate or inappropriate,” Schewitz said.

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Written by:

Danielle Simone Brand, MA

Danielle Simone Brand has over 20 years of experience as a writer, covering topics like relationships and psychedelics research. Brand, who wrote “Weed Mom,” has been featured in publications, such as Greatist and The New York Times.

Edited by:

Meredith Hoffa

Meredith Hoffa is a senior health editor at GoodRx, where she leads journalists and clinicians covering various well-being topics, particularly in diet and nutrition.

Reviewed by:

Katie E. Golden, MD

Katie E. Golden, MD, is a board-certified emergency medicine physician and a medical editor at GoodRx.

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