What Does It Mean If You’re Not Having Sex in Your Relationship?
Key takeaways:
There’s no “right” amount of sex to have in a relationship. What really matters is whether or not you and your partner are satisfied.
Sometimes, the amount of sex you’re having with your partner can change over time. This can happen for many different reasons, such as relationship problems or ongoing stress.
If you’d like to make changes in your sex life, there are many approaches you can try. In some cases, it can be helpful to talk to a doctor or therapist.
Table of contents
For many people, sex is part of being in a relationship. Sex can create emotional and physical intimacy — both of which can be important parts of a healthy relationship. And for many people, sexual intimacy also contributes to an enduring bond.
But sometimes, the amount of sex you’re having changes over time. This might be because you and your partner feel differently about each other. Or it could be due to things beyond your control, such as feeling stressed, being busy with life responsibilities, or even going through a physical illness.
Let’s take a closer look at how much sex you “should” be having in a relationship, as well as a few common reasons couples stop having sex.
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Is it normal to not have sex in a relationship?
The truth is: There’s no “normal” when it comes to sex.
Lots of people enjoy having sex with a romantic partner. But there are also a lot of people who aren’t interested in having sex at all, even if they’re in a relationship. And people’s feelings about sex can also change throughout their lifetime.
What’s important is how you (and your partner) feel about your situation.
If you and your partner are happy — even if you’re having less sex — then that’s what matters. But if one of you isn’t satisfied with how things are going in your sex life, then it might be time to make a change.
Common reasons couples stop having sex
Couples can stop having sex for a number of reasons. Some of the most common reasons include changes in how partners feel toward each other, life stressors, and mental and physical health issues. Let’s take a closer look.
Less passion over time
In the beginning of a relationship, it’s common to feel a lot of lust and attraction toward your partner. Your body even releases chemicals that enhance sexual desire. But as time goes on and your relationship matures, how much of these chemicals your body releases returns to normal.
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According to experts, the type of love you experience in a relationship evolves as time goes on. The beginning of a relationship is marked by passionate love, which then turns into companionate love. Companionate love is marked by deep affection and intimacy, but is less euphoric than passionate love.
Given how passion and love evolve over the course of a relationship, it’s not surprising that some couples have less sex as time goes on. The brain chemicals that were responsible for the intense lust and attraction that they felt in the beginning are not as plentiful.
Life stressors
Everyday stress can have a big impact on your libido (sex drive), no matter what the cause. And as time goes on, and you and your partner have more responsibilities at work and home, stress can sometimes start to affect your sex life.
Career, finances, and parenting are common causes of stress in relationships. For example, becoming a parent can bring more demands and less time for intimacy — both of which can take a toll on your sex life. And many couples may find that their careers only get more demanding over time, which leaves less time to nurture a sexual relationship.
Health challenges
Physical health problems can also make couples less interested in having sex — or make it harder to have comfortable and enjoyable sexual experiences. Anyone can experience health challenges, but they’re an especially common concern for older adults.
Health conditions that can affect your sex life include:
Arthritis
Chronic pain
Heart disease
Stroke
Diabetes
Dementia
Depression
Anxiety
Menopause
Erectile dysfunction
Certain medications can cause sexual side effects, too. For example, many blood pressure medications and antidepressants can cause erectile dysfunction, low libido, and other sexual problems.
Relationship challenges
Problems in your relationship can also affect your sex life. For example, if you and your partner are having a lot of arguments or aren’t getting along well, you might feel less connected — and as a result, may not be as interested in having sex.
If trust has been broken, such as through one partner lying or having an affair, this can also make it harder to be intimate.
Should I be worried if my partner and I stop having sex?
Whether or not you should be worried about having less sex in a relationship depends on how you feel about the situation. As discussed, there’s no “right” amount of sex you should have in your relationship. What really matters is whether or not you or your partner are happy with your sex life.
For some people, having sex more often and feeling satisfied with the frequency of sex is linked to better mental health and relationship satisfaction. But for other people, it’s totally OK to not have a lot of sex.
Remember: There are a lot of ways to have emotional and physical intimacy with your partner. Some couples may have a mutual understanding that sex is no longer a part of their relationship. Couples may also find other ways to experience intimacy with one another, such as cuddling and deep conversation.
How can I have more sex in my relationship?
If you want to make a change in your sex life, there are things you can do. The first step is to talk with your partner to figure out what you both want and need. It’s also helpful to discuss potential underlying causes.
Once you identify the problem, you can explore available solutions. In some cases, you might need to talk to your primary care provider to see if there’s a physical problem that’s getting in the way of having sex. Other times, working with a therapist can be the best choice (more on this below).
There are also some changes you can make on your own that can help. Here are some strategies to consider:
Double down on physical affection. Focus on other forms of physical intimacy like holding hands, cuddling, and kissing. This can help you feel more connected to your partner.
Practice relaxation strategies. Breathing exercises, yoga, and mindfulness can all help with sexual satisfaction.
Use lube and positioners. Using lubricant and/or positioners and other support devices can make sex more comfortable and fun, especially if you’re dealing with physical challenges.
Communicate with your partner. Talk to your partner about your desires and preferences. Work to create a nonjudgmental environment where you can both talk openly about intimacy.
Get educated. Learning about your body, and about sex, can help you better understand your needs and desires.
When to seek out couples therapy or a sex therapist
According to experts at The Gottman Institute, couples who are not having sex can benefit from couples therapy. A type of therapy called sex therapy can also offer even more specialized treatment — either for you as an individual or together with your partner.
Other than having less sex, some signs that it may be the right time to try therapy are:
Either you or your partner have been unfaithful.
There is little or no emotional connection between you and your partner.
You and your partner argue a lot.
You and your partner have trouble communicating well.
It’s hard for you or your partner to talk about sex.
The bottom line
There’s no “right” amount of sex you should have in a relationship. What matters most is that you and your partner feel good about your sex life. And if you’re not happy, it’s OK to want to make a change. After all, there are many things that can get in the way of having sex — from life stressors to health problems and relationship challenges.
If you do want to have more sex in your relationship, talking to your partner is a good place to start. You can also consider reaching out to your primary care provider or a therapist, especially if you are dealing with more complicated health problems or issues with your relationship.
Why trust our experts?
References
American Psychology Association. (2018). Companionate love.
American Psychology Association. (2018). Passionate love.
Benson, K. (n.d.). Is it time to go to couples counseling? The Gottman Institute.
DeFrain, J. D., et al. (2012). Getting connected, staying connected: Sexual intimacy and emotional intimacy. University of Nebraska-Lincoln Extension NebGuide.
Doss, B. D., et al. (2009). The effect of the transition to parenthood on relationship quality: An 8-year prospective study. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology.
Edwards, S. (2015). Love and the brain. Harvard Medical School.
Johns Hopkins Medicine. (n.d.). Keep the spark alive in your marriage.
National Institute on Aging. (2022). Sexuality and intimacy in older adults.
The Trevor Project. (2021). Understanding asexuality.
Wu, K. (2017). Love, actually: The science behind lust, attraction, and companionship. Science in the News.
Zhang, Y., et al. (2020). A national longitudinal study of partnered sex, relationship quality, and mental health among older adults. The Journals of Gerontology Series B: Psychological Sciences and Social Sciences.
