Why Is It Hard for Me to Want to Date?
Key takeaways:
Many people today are finding it hard to date. Some reasons include bad dating experiences in the past and negative expectations of what dating will be like.
Dating anxiety refers to worry or fear of going out on dates, often driven by a fear of rejection.
Try to keep an open mind and question some of your barriers to dating. Using techniques like deep breathing and mindfulness can reduce pre-date jitters.
If you feel like it’s hard to motivate yourself to date, you’re not alone. About half of adults in the U.S. say that dating has gotten harder in the last 10 years.
There are many reasons why you may not want to date. Maybe it feels impossible to find someone you like, or you’ve had a bad experience with online dating. Or maybe you feel less confident about yourself at the moment.
Of course, there are plenty of people who choose not to date because they’re content being single and aren’t interested in being in a relationship.
But if you want to be in a relationship and find it hard to date, it can be helpful to explore what may be holding you back and how to manage the realities of dating.
Why are you not interested in dating?
There are many reasons why it may be hard for you to want to date. And they’re all fairly common.
Feeling bad about your appearance
Physical appearance can be an important part of a romantic connection. If you don’t feel good about how you look, it can make you hesitant to put yourself out there.
Dating anxiety: See if your dating jitters stem from social anxiety.
Not feeling confident about how you look? Here’s how body image can affect your mental health, along with strategies to help you feel better about yourself.
How do you meet new people? Here are ways to make new friends.
One study found that people with a negative body image had more anxiety around dating. And dating anxiety may be worse if you focus a lot on your looks.
Low expectations about dating
You may feel like the chances are slim of finding a partner you like. That’s a common dating barrier.
The majority of single daters say they find it hard to find people to date. Having low expectations can make you not want to invest time or emotional energy into dating.
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Negative experiences in the past
If you’ve had negative experiences with dating in the past, it can turn you off of dating. For instance, online dating doesn’t always bring out the best in people:
People can be flaky, saying they’ll meet and then canceling.
Or they can simply ghost you.
And many women say they’ve experienced someone being rude or inappropriate to them.
All these experiences can keep you from wanting to make yourself vulnerable again.
Fear of rejection
Dating can sometimes feel like a series of mini rejections. You’re sitting across from someone and can sense they’re not into you. Or you don’t get a call or text after a date.
You know that you’re also determining if you like the person across from you. And you know that not everyone is a good match. Still, it can sometimes be hard not to feel rejected.
Dating anxiety
Dating anxiety is a sense of worry or fear about dating. Nearly everyone feels some degree of nervousness about dating. But people with dating anxiety fear that dating partners will have negative opinions of them. The worry is so great that they often avoid dating or social interactions with potential partners.
Is it OK to not be interested in dating?
There’s nothing wrong with not wanting to date. For some people, dating is very important — but for others, it’s not.
Dating may not be a priority for you at the moment. You may be more focused on your career, school, or caretaking responsibilities. Or you may want to work on yourself before getting into a relationship.
Many single people say they aren’t dating because they enjoy the single life. These are totally normal and common reasons not to want to date.
How to start dating again
If your goal is to be in a relationship, here are some tips to help you get back to dating.
Keep an open mind
If you’ve had negative experiences in the past, it’s understandable that you may approach dating with skepticism. However, expecting the past to repeat itself can get in the way of you dating.
Instead, try to keep an open mind and a curious attitude. Try to think of each new person as a unique individual and a new opportunity.
Be kind to yourself
It’s common to put dating off and to tell yourself, “I’ll start dating when I lose weight,” or “I’ll wait until I get a better job.”
Practice accepting where you are right now, rather than waiting for everything to feel perfect. Many people — including those you may date — have things they’re working on. And nobody is perfect. You likely have higher standards for yourself than others do.
Reframe dating as socializing
If you think of dating as a chore, it’s no surprise that you’re avoiding it. Instead, try changing the way that you think about dating. For example, think of it as an opportunity to socialize or a way to meet new people. This can help reduce some of the stress and pressure that you associate with it.
Set aside a certain amount of time
If the thought of dating feels overwhelming, try timeboxing it. This is when you intentionally devote a limited amount of time to a specific task.
For example, you could set aside 10 minutes a day or 30 minutes a week to online dating. And you can set a limit of 1 date per week or 2 per month, whatever pace feels comfortable to you.
Go on a low-pressure date
A popular low-pressure date is going on a walking and talking date. This takes the pressure off of making eye contact and can feel more casual and comfortable.
Stay focused on your goal
You might not love the process of dating. But if your goal is to be in a relationship, then dating is a means to an end. Remember why you’re doing this, and keep your eye on the goal.
Get professional help
You may find it difficult to get over your reluctance to date or dating anxiety on your own. If so, you may benefit from speaking with a mental health professional.
Therapy can help you work through barriers to dating. In some cases, these barriers may be unconscious, or outside of your awareness. A therapist can help you identify and address barriers so they don’t hold you back.
If your lack of dating is related to a mental health condition, such as depression or anxiety, then therapy can also address these conditions.
Frequently asked questions
“Aromantic” refers to a lack of romantic feelings or attractions toward others. Because of the lack of feelings and interest, aromantics may not be interested in dating. Aromanticism isn’t a clinical term or mental health condition.
First-date anxiety is very common. To relax before a first date, try a deep breathing exercise:
Breath in for a count of 4.
Hold the breath in.
Then exhale for a count of 6.
Repeat for several rounds.
This helps to reduce anxiety by activating your body’s relaxation response.
People with dating anxiety may find it just as difficult to interact through dating apps as they do in person. However, if a person with dating anxiety does feel more comfortable using an app, then this may be a good option.
The bottom line
There are many reasons why it could be hard for you to date. Common reasons include negative experiences in the past, body image concerns, or dating anxiety. If you want to be in a relationship but are having trouble motivating to date, try to keep an open mind about the process of dating. Stay focused on your goals and try to work through any underlying reasons that may be barriers to dating. Consider talking to a mental health professional if you’re having trouble overcoming anxiety about dating on your own.
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References
Brown, A. (2020). Nearly half of U.S. adults say dating has gotten harder for most people in the last 10 years. Pew Research Center.
Hubbard, S. (2024). How do Gottman principles apply to the dating world? The Gottman Institute.
La Greca, A. M., et al. (2007). Adolescents’ anxiety in dating situations: The potential role of friends and romantic partners. Journal of Clinical Child and Adolescent Psychology.
Lenton-Brym, A. P., et al. (2021). Associations between social anxiety, depression, and use of mobile dating applications. Cyberpsychology, Behavior, and Social Networking.
LGBT Center, UNC-Chapel Hill. (n.d.). Asexuality, attraction, and romantic orientation.
Swami, V., et al. (2021). Associations between body image, social physique anxiety, and dating anxiety in heterosexual emerging adults. Body Image.
Swami, V., et al. (2022). Appearance orientation and dating anxiety in emerging adults: Considering the roles of appearance-based rejection sensitivity, social physique anxiety, and self-compassion. Archives of Sexual Behavior.
