How to Support a Friend Going Through a Divorce: An Expert Shares 9 Ways to Help

It’s probably not a surprise to learn that divorce can be one of life’s most stressful experiences. Going through a divorce can lead to anxiety and depression. And although divorce rates in the U.S. have been declining, divorce is still a relatively common experience. 

There’s no one-size-fits-all guidance for how to support a friend going through a divorce. Every person — and situation — is unique. But if you’ve ever wondered how you can be a source of comfort to a friend getting divorced, the following nine expert tips can be a good place to start. 

1. Listen more than you talk

One of the best ways to support a friend is to just listen to them — without judgement, said Dr. Sarah Schewitz, a psychologist and founder of Couples Learn. 

That means asking open-ended questions and avoiding sharing your own opinions, Schewitz said. 

Also, don’t assume you already know how your friend is feeling. Instead, when they share their feelings, you can summarize and validate what they’ve expressed. The goal is to make your friend feel heard. 

“Saying ‘You're feeling sad, and that makes sense’ is like saying, ‘You make sense,’” said Schewitz. 

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2. Avoid taking sides

Avoid painting your friend’s ex-partner as “all bad,” or saying that your friend is better off without them. 

“Your friend may still love them and want them back, and this can make them feel wrong for having those feelings,” Schewitz said. And your friend may also wonder if you disliked their ex all along. This may lead them to question their own judgment — or your honesty.

So strike a balance. Try to honor your friend’s feelings without trashing their ex. As an example, you can say something like “That's so frustrating,” instead of “What a jerk.” This is a more neutral way to validate your friend’s feelings, Schewitz said. 

3. Provide resources and information

It may be helpful for people going through a divorce to talk to others in a similar position. You can help your friend find a divorce support group. Or you can introduce them to someone you know who’s experiencing a similar life transition. 

If your friend needs extra support, Schewitz recommended helping them find a therapist or a divorce coach, depending on the specific details of the situation. 

Sharing resources can be a practical way to support a friend going through a divorce. It also lets them know you care. Schewitz said this can be as simple as texting them: “Here's a great therapist” or “Here's a podcast that I think will be helpful.” 

4. Don’t rush them through their grief

It may be difficult to see your friend struggling with complicated feelings. It’s normal to feel the instinct to fix the situation. You might be tempted to urge your friend to “get back out there” or move forward in some other way. 

“It’s a common error I see from well-intentioned friends,” said Schewitz. But remember that your role isn’t to fix them or to rush their healing process. Instead, she said, “A friend's job is to be a safe place to land.” 

So, rather than pushing your friend to fire up their dating profile, help them — and yourself — get comfortable with negative emotions. 

“Feelings need to flow through and be released,” said Schewitz. Bottling up feelings, or distracting yourself from them, only extends the healing process. 

5. Remind them of their positive attributes

Divorce can take a toll on a person’s self-confidence. So support your friend’s healthy sense of self by affirming their positive attributes. “Remind them they’re loveable,” Schewitz said.

6. Manage your own feelings

It’s normal to have your own emotional reactions to your friend’s feelings, Schewitz said. “We all have a comfort zone of emotions that we find acceptable, based on our upbringing.” 

When someone expresses feelings far outside of our own comfort zone — either positive or negative ones — we may try to bring them back to a more neutral state. 

“If they’re super depressed, you [tend to] do things to try and get them out of it,” Schewitz said. “But this can feel really invalidating.” 

So be aware of your own emotional response to your friend’s situation. Avoid trying to change how they express themselves — even if their emotions make you a bit uncomfortable. By managing your own feelings, you can ensure that you don’t intensify or play down your friend’s, even unintentionally.

7. Reach out often

Your friend may be losing the person with whom they shared all daily activities, big and small. They may have relied on their partner for:

• Texting to check in throughout the day

• Debriefing the details of their day in the evening

• Sharing physical touch and intimacy 

• Making weekend plans

• Going on vacation

Your friend may have also lost friends they shared with their partner. They may have lost relationships with their partner’s family. 

So keep in touch regularly. “Make plans with your friend,” said Schewitz. And keep in mind that holidays, birthdays, and anniversaries can be particularly lonely times for someone going through a divorce.

8. Encourage self-care

In a stressed state, people sometimes neglect self-care. Remind your friend to tend to their physical and emotional health by:

• Eating nourishing food 

• Exercising regularly

• Getting enough sleep

• Avoiding excessive use alcohol or other substances to distract or numb feelings

9. Practice patience (but with boundaries)

Supporting a friend through divorce can require extra patience and understanding. Your friendship may feel temporarily one-sided as the emotional focus shifts to your friend’s feelings and experiences.

“Your friend will probably want to talk about the divorce a lot, and that might get repetitive or tedious to listen to,” said Schewitz. 

One way to be a supportive friend is to be patient with the changed dynamic. It can help to remind yourself that this imbalance isn’t permanent. And setting your own boundaries can help you avoid feeling overwhelmed and resentful. It can help to acknowledge that you can be there for your friend, but you can’t fix or change their situation. 

If some time has passed, consider setting up “venting sessions” with your friend. These are designated times for your friend to share their feelings related to the divorce. These venting sessions can serve as a container, leaving space for other conversations. 

Bottom line

There’s no one best way to support a friend going through divorce. But listening without judgment, encouraging self-care, and reminding them of their positive attributes are all ways to bring comfort. Healing from divorce takes time, so it’s important that you don’t rush your friend’s process.

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Written by:

Danielle Simone Brand, MA

Danielle Simone Brand, MA, has two decades of varied experience as a writer. She’s been a researcher on issues of international conflict resolution at the United States Institute of Peace, an alternative newspaper staff writer, a freelance journalist, and a traditionally published author.

Edited by:

Meredith Hoffa

Meredith Hoffa is a senior health editor at GoodRx, where she leads journalists and clinicians covering various well-being topics, particularly in diet and nutrition.

Reviewed by:

Karen Hovav, MD, FAAP

Karen Hovav, MD, FAAP, has more than 15 years of experience as an attending pediatrician in a variety of clinical settings. She has worked in a large academic center in an urban city, a small community hospital, a private practice, and an urgent care clinic.

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