11 Ways to Stop Thinking About Your Ex and Heal From Past Relationships

It’s normal to think about people who have impacted your life and with whom you’ve shared important moments. This includes former partners. At some point, though, you’ll want to get them out of your head so you can move on with your life. 

Below we’ve put together a list of strategies to help you stop thinking about your ex. We also share research about why it’s so hard to detach from a former lover. Lastly, we give you a list of symptoms for when it’s time to see a doctor or mental health therapist. 

How do you stop thinking about your ex?

Here are some suggestions to help you stop thinking about your ex.

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1. Allow yourself time to grieve

It’s normal to experience feelings of grief after a breakup. “Ending a relationship creates a loss in our lives, and although the person may still exist, moving on is difficult because we naturally grieve these losses,” Adriana Alejandre, licensed marriage and family therapist (LMFT) and founder of Latinx Therapy, told GoodRx Health. 

You may even go through what are known as the five stages of grief. These include: 

• Denial

• Anger

• Bargaining

• Depression

• Acceptance

Just keep in mind that you may move in and out of each stage multiple times. When you’re ready to enter the acceptance stage, “accept that the relationship is over and decide for yourself that that is a good thing,” Lisa Marie Bobby, PhD, LMFT, told GoodRx Health. Bobby also wrote the book “Exaholics: Breaking Your Addiction to an Ex Love.” 

2. Engage in healthy activities

Give these activities a try and see which best fit your needs:

• Journaling

• Exercising

• Expressing your feelings to a friend or family member

• Getting back to regular routines

• Building new routines

• Connecting with your support systems

3. Remove exes from your social media

You and your ex were probably friends on Facebook and followed each other on other social channels. But keeping up with your former partner can lead to more stress and heartache. 

You may get over your ex quicker if you do the following:

• Not monitor them on social media.

• Not interact with them on social media.

• Mute their stories and posts.

• Unfriend or unfollow them.

“Unnecessary contact will not be helpful when trying to get over or stop thinking about your ex,” Alejandre said. 

Research suggests that people who make a clean break experience less stress than those who stay connected. And you may want to consider removing your ex’s phone number from your phone to further resist the temptation to contact them.

“To avoid contacting them by text or phone calls, you can write their number on paper and leave this paper at home,” Alejandre said. “This will reduce any temptation to reach out.”

4. Learn about the healing process

“Time does not heal,” Bobby said. “The real strategy is going through an informed healing process with someone knowledgeable enough to walk you through it.”

Bobby recommends seeing a therapist who specializes in healing after heartbreak. 

“This is someone who has specialized education and training in relationship loss and heartbreak recovery,” Bobby said. “They can help you navigate the withdrawal stage in healthy ways, grieve the loss, learn and grow from the experience, and chart a course for a strong and healthy future relationship.”

However, if you’re finding it hard to function, you may want to see a therapist who can provide mental health treatment. They’ll work on things like managing depression and anxiety. (See below.)

5. Get rid of their things

To discard your ex’s things, Alejandre recommends doing so in stages. 

1. If it feels safe, ask a mutual friend to return sentimental or valuable items to your ex.

2. If you’re struggling to toss or give away anything, store the item in a box in a closet or garage. Revisit the box when you’re feeling up to it.

3. When you’re ready, create a ritual to say goodbye and continue the closure of the relationship. 

4. “Consider cleansing your home through meditation, sage, or any practice that feels right for you,” Alejandre said.

6. Avoid their friends and family

A breakup often ends relationships with your ex’s family members and friends. “It may be a good idea to take a break from them, as well, and see if they are people that can remain neutral and helpful in your life,” Alejandre said.

If you choose to keep your ex’s relatives in your life, make sure they support you and your boundaries. 

7. Be kind to yourself

It’s OK to practice self-compassion. In fact, it’s a great idea to practice self-compassion when you’re struggling to stop thinking about your ex. Here are some ways you can incorporate this into your healing process:

• Don’t be hard on yourself.

• Recognize that you’re human and that we all make mistakes.

• Change ineffective or unproductive behaviors.

• Practice mindfulness.

• Practice soothing self-touch, such as placing your hand over your heart or stroking your upper arms.

• Search for a guided self-compassion meditation online.

8. Focus on you

Think about ways you can work on yourself and scale back on things you used to do together with your ex. For instance:

• Try out a new hobby.

• Create new routines.

• Do something you’ve always wanted to do.

• “Date” yourself.

• Get a new hairstyle.

• Make new friends.

9. Schedule time to think about them

Set a time limit to think about your ex each day. For example, you may allow yourself 30 minutes in the morning to talk to a friend about them or write down your thoughts and feelings. 

Once the 30 minutes are up, challenge yourself to not think about your ex again until the next day. If thoughts about them pop up during the day, write them down and then set them aside. Eventually, you’ll be able to devote less time to thinking about your former partner.

10. Don’t depend on your ex for emotional support

Often, right after a breakup is not the time to be friends with your ex. It will make it harder to stop thinking about them. Reach out to others in your network for support. You may be able to maintain a friendship with your ex in time, but not until you’ve healed and moved on. 

11. Write down facts about the relationship

“This will reduce fantasizing emotions and experiences that are not factual but stem from feeling alone,” Alejandre said. Examples include:

• “They lied to me repeatedly.”

• “They didn’t support my promotion.”

• “They picked fights all the time.”

• “They wanted different things.”

• “They didn’t make me feel safe.”

Why can’t you get your ex out of your head?

“Falling in love is a biologically addictive process,” said Bobby, who explains more about this in a podcast episode titled “Why You Can’t Stop Thinking About Your Ex.” It engages the brain’s reward system, the same area of the brain activated by drug or behavioral addictions. 

“When we’re in an intense relationship, we form a powerful attachment bond,” Bobby said. Because of that bond, it may be difficult to detach from your former lover. As you go through the recovery process, you may experience withdrawal symptoms such as cravings, tolerance, emotional and physical dependence, and relapse.    

Just remember, what you’re going through is normal, and recovery is possible. 

Does thinking about your ex mean you’re not over them?

It depends. “When people are thinking about their exes, it typically means there’s unfinished emotional business,” Bobby said. “There may be lingering big feelings attached to the relationship that haven't fully been processed. Most often, those feelings could be anger, guilt, shame, or grief.” 

On the other hand, Bobby said, “It’s healthy to think about your ex if you’re using that as a vehicle for meaningful growth.” Your relationship may have taught you to recognize red flags or set boundaries. “This type of reflection can be extremely constructive and healthy.”

When should you seek professional advice for getting over an ex-lover?

You may need extra support for your healing journey, and that’s OK. Alejandre provided the following list of warning signs that it’s time to get professional help. If you’re struggling, talk to a counselor or your doctor.

• Inability to work or fulfill responsibilities because of emotions connected to your ex

• Inability to concentrate during conversations

• Intrusive thoughts that pop up out of the blue  

• Inability to respect boundaries

• Neglect of your hygiene

• Notification by various loved ones that you are speaking about your ex too much 

• Thoughts and feelings about your ex that interfere with a new relationship

• Minimization of your self-worth

• Obsession over “what could have been”

• Thoughts of taking revenge

Why trust our experts?

Written by:

Ana Gascon

Ana Gascon has over 15 years of writing and editing experience, with 8 years in health and medical content work. She is a versatile health and medical content creator who writes about acute conditions, chronic diseases, mental health challenges, and health equity.

Edited by:

Renée Fabian, MA

Renée Fabian is the senior pet health editor at GoodRx. She’s worked for nearly 10 years as a journalist and editor across a wide range of health and well-being topics.

Reviewed by:

India B. Gomez, PhD

India B. Gomez, PhD, is a licensed clinical psychologist with a certificate in Latin American Family Therapy. She completed her doctoral education at the California School of Professional Psychology/Alliant International University.

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