How to Set Boundaries in Your Relationships and Protect Your Mental Health

Boundaries are a normal, healthy part of life and relationships. They help you set limits to protect yourself emotionally, mentally, and physically.

But some people have trouble setting or maintaining boundaries. For instance, at work, you may allow your coworker to task you with projects that aren’t your responsibility. Or in a romantic relationship, you may do too much for a partner and disregard your own needs.

Whatever the case, ignoring your boundaries or allowing others to ignore them may lead to resentment or exhaustion. 

“If you had absolutely no boundaries, your life would be determined by other people,” says Barbara Kamholz, PhD, ABPP, an associate professor of psychiatry at Boston University School of Medicine. “With boundaries, you have respect and care for yourself and respect and care for other people.”

In this post, we’ll explore how boundaries work in relationships, how to set boundaries, and what to do when someone crosses your boundaries. 

How do you set boundaries?

For some people, setting boundaries comes naturally. Perhaps they’ve had healthy role models or have a strong sense of self-respect. But for others, it may be a challenge. You may fear rejection, have a hard time saying “no,” or not know how to stand up for yourself.

These tips can help you set healthy boundaries:

1. Be kind and assertive (confident). “Assertiveness is the way to go,” says Kamholz. “You can do that in a kind and thoughtful manner. Sometimes, people who don’t set boundaries can become brusque and angry. If you wait until you’re angry, you’re not going to set a boundary very well.”

2. Use “I” statements. An “I” statement puts the focus on your thoughts, feelings, and expectations.

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Use the following words, and fill in the blanks: “I feel ___ when ____ because _____. What I need is ________.”

For example: “I feel overwhelmed when you ask me to visit you every night, because I can’t attend to other important people/tasks. I have a lot on my plate. What I need is to have a few nights a week to spend separately.”

3. Don’t feel like you have to give a reason or rationale. “Women do this more often than men,” says Kamholz. “You don’t have to provide an excuse or an explanation. You can set appropriate clear boundaries with no apologies.”

4. Offer alternatives. Kamholz says, “In addition to declining something, you can offer something else that you are willing to do.” For example, if you say, “No, that won’t work for me,” you can follow up with, “But what will work for me is…” and offer options that respect your boundaries and are acceptable to you.

What to do if someone crosses your boundaries

At times, people may not honor the boundaries you set with them. Sometimes, people may forget or may not have understood. In these cases, remind the other person of your limits. But at other times, you may need to:

• Stand strong. Not everyone will respect your boundaries. “If someone continues to breach your boundaries, it could mean they don’t respect you, and it might be time to reconsider the relationship or end it,” says Andrea Mathews, a licensed therapist in Alabama. Instead of a boundary, you may have to build a “wall” between yourself and someone else for your physical and emotional safety.

• Get support. You may need a support system to help you when you set boundaries with a difficult person or someone who has a hard time respecting your boundaries. Reach out to a trusted family member, friend, or mental health professional who will stand by you when you state your boundaries. 

How do you know when to set a boundary?

Start with self-awareness. Be mindful of situations when you’re running low on energy or are feeling stress. Think about areas in your life where you need space, relief, or to regain personal power. These are all signs you may need to set a boundary.

Use your feelings to gauge if you need to set a boundary. For instance, if someone makes you feel pressured into doing something you don’t want to do, like an unwanted sexual act, trust your feelings. Or if someone makes you feel belittled or disrespected, that’s a sign you may need to set a boundary. 

“Your feelings are going to cue you in to set different boundaries,” says Kamholz. “When you find yourself exhausted, angry, [or] hurt — physically or emotionally — that’s a sign that you’re getting depleted.” 

Why are boundaries helpful in relationships?

Boundaries in relationships help you feel safe, secure, and respected. They create a space for you to be heard, valued, and validated as an individual with your own needs. This is true of any relationship, including those with friends, relatives, romantic partners, and coworkers.

Boundaries also help you place limits on your physical and emotional resources.

“Your physical and emotional energy isn’t infinite,” says Kamholz. “Setting boundaries is part of how you decide how to spend those resources. They help you respect and care for yourself and show respect and care for other people.” 

Boundaries also help others know what to expect from you and how to treat you. And they can be helpful for others when they have difficulty with their own limits. “Boundaries help us identify with ourselves without taking on someone else’s identity,” says Mathews. 

How does a lack of boundaries affect your physical and mental health?

“In the absence of boundaries, you’re going to be physically, mentally, and emotionally exhausted,” says Kamholz. That’s because not having boundaries can push you beyond your limits. Saying yes to everything and everybody takes away from the time you need to rest and replenish your energy. 

Mathews adds that people without boundaries can develop mental health conditions, like an anxiety disorder or major depression, when they consistently live as if they have to always give themselves up for other people.

“In partnerships, we need to define ourselves as separate and distinct from the other party,” says Mathews. “If we don’t, we won’t ask for what we need. If I’m all caught up in your love language, and I’m not asking for my love language, then I’m not taking care of myself.”

But you can set up healthy boundaries with friends, relatives, and coworkers to guard yourself from anxiety and depression. 

For example, in a triggering family situation, you could say, “I’m going to leave now because this feels overwhelming and distressing to me.” At work, you could tell your boss, “I’m not comfortable with that task,” and then offer an alternative. 

With friends, you may want to say, “I don’t want to do that right now.” Or if you have a friend who is struggling emotionally, you can say, “It sounds like you need to talk to a therapist about that.”

What’s the difference between healthy and unhealthy boundaries?

There are three ways to identify healthy and unhealthy boundaries. Here are the characteristics for each of them:

1. Rigid: If you have rigid boundaries, you may not allow others to get close to you emotionally or physically. You may have trouble asking for help, and you may not want to share personal information with anyone, even when it would be appropriate. 

2. Porous or permeable: This type of boundary is the opposite of rigid. If you have porous or more open boundaries, you might trust others easily, share too much personal information, and have trouble saying “no.” You may also be more likely to tolerate abusive or disrespectful behavior. 

3. Flexible or healthy: If you have flexible boundaries, you tend to be open to new thoughts and ideas. But you know when to close yourself off to protect yourself from harm. You have confidence in your values and opinions, you don’t overshare or undershare your personal information, and you show respect when someone says “no.”

Keep in mind that there are cultural differences in what are considered “healthy” boundaries. Some cultures place a higher value on the individual rather than family or community. People from these individualistic cultures may find it healthier to limit time with family. On the other hand, someone from a collectivist culture that values community first may not need or want to set a boundary limiting family time. 

What are examples of healthy boundaries?

If you aren’t sure whether you have healthy boundaries, the following examples may help guide you:

• Friendships: You have a friend who calls you when they can’t sleep even if it’s way past your bedtime. You have to get up at 5AM to get ready for work. It’s OK to set a boundary and tell your friend you can’t take calls after 9PM. However, you can offer to help them find a relaxation app or encourage them to talk with their healthcare provider to find solutions for their insomnia. 

• Romantic relationships: Your partner shouts at you when they get angry. You can tell them they’re not allowed to raise their voice at you. Ask them to count to 10 (or 100) and then speak to you in a softer voice. You can also ask them to walk away or tell them that you’re going to walk away until they’re ready to talk calmly. 

• Coworkers: Your coworker leans into your personal space regularly, and their behavior makes you uncomfortable. You can tell them that you feel most comfortable with a certain amount of personal space and ask them to maintain that distance. Be firm.  

• Relatives: You have a family member who gossips about another family member, and it upsets you. You can tell them you would rather not talk about your other family member behind their back or simply walk away and not engage in the conversation.

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Written by:

Ana Gascon

Ana Gascon has over 15 years of writing and editing experience, with 8 years in health and medical content work. She is a versatile health and medical content creator who writes about acute conditions, chronic diseases, mental health challenges, and health equity.

Edited by:

Renée Fabian, MA

Renée Fabian is the senior pet health editor at GoodRx. She’s worked for nearly 10 years as a journalist and editor across a wide range of health and well-being topics.

Reviewed by:

India B. Gomez, PhD

India B. Gomez, PhD, is a licensed clinical psychologist with a certificate in Latin American Family Therapy. She completed her doctoral education at the California School of Professional Psychology/Alliant International University.

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