9 Signs You May Be in an Abusive Relationship
Key takeaways:
Healthy relationships involve mutual respect, freedom, and shared decision-making. When one partner uses their power to control the other, that’s a sign of an abusive relationship.
Common signs of abuse include one partner isolating the other, intimidating them with physical violence, or constantly criticizing them.
It can be difficult to get out of an abusive relationship, but there are support systems and resources available that can help.
Typically, relationships start out great. You get along, seem to have a lot in common, and can’t get enough of each other. Ideally, that evolves into a loving partnership based on mutual respect. But in some cases, the opposite occurs.
Sometimes, one partner takes on more control than the other. The person’s characteristics and relationship patterns may change gradually or seem to shift overnight. But, however it happens, it can lead to an unhealthy, sometimes dangerous, relationship.
While every situation is unique, there are some characteristics of abusive relationships that you may want to consider if you are concerned for yourself or someone you love. If you’re in need of support right away, visit the Domestic Violence Hotline online or call 1-800-799-SAFE (7233).
Quiz: Is my relationship toxic?
What are red flags of abuse in a relationship?
Abuse can occur in any relationship, regardless of the partners’ gender, age, or sexual orientation. Whether you suspect abuse in your own relationship or are concerned about someone else, start by assessing the situation. Here are some signs of abuse to look for.
1. A person changes their typical behavior
Do you feel like you don’t know yourself anymore? Or has a friend seemed to take on a new personality?
It’s normal to get wrapped up in a new relationship. You may start to meld somewhat with your partner, taking on mutual interests. However, if you start acting like a different person altogether, there may be something wrong.
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For example, research suggests that women who experience domestic violence report feeling more sad, lonely, depressed, and angry. They may also have less interest in hobbies and socializing than before.
2. A person develops new mental health symptoms
People who experience abuse in relationships tend to have more mental health struggles. They may become depressed, anxious, or develop acute stress or post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD).
Particularly when a person develops new mental health symptoms after starting a relationship, it’s a sign that abuse may be a factor.
3. One person makes all the decisions
In a healthy relationship, partners take turns or come to an agreement when a decision affects both of them. This could be decisions about what they do together, where they go, or who they see. It’s not assumed that one person calls all the shots.
But in an abusive relationship, the abusive partner often takes control of decision-making. This serves as another way to control the other person. Some may:
Make medical decisions for their partner
Control their partner’s access to medical care
Prevent their partner from having bodily autonomy
4. A person is isolated from friends and family
One way abusive partners get control over their victims is by isolating them. It’s easier to influence a person when there aren’t friends and family members around to question the relationship. And the more isolated someone is, the harder it is for them to recognize that something’s seriously wrong.
To encourage isolation, an abusive partner may use tactics to manipulate or confuse the other person. They may act extremely jealous, discourage their partner from seeing friends, or express dislike for the people in their partner’s life. This results in a lack of outside perspectives, making the abuse more difficult to come to terms with.
5. One partner controls all the money
Whether we like it or not, money affects a person’s power and freedom. A lack of access to funds can prevent someone from leaving a relationship. They may worry that they’ll have nowhere to stay or won’t be able to support their children if they leave.
Some couples agree that one person will manage the finances, but that’s different from using money as a means of control. In an abusive relationship, your partner may take money you earn or make sure you don’t have money for expenses. Or they may choose not to contribute equitably to household expenses and labor.
6. There are frequent put-downs and criticisms
Sure, all couples tease each other from time to time. But that’s usually very different from a pattern of put-downs and criticisms.
One partner frequently berating the other is a type of emotional abuse. Being constantly criticized tends to decrease self-esteem, making it even harder for a person to question their relationship.
7. One partner pressures the other
Abusive partners may pressure their victims to do things they feel uncomfortable with. That might mean pushing their partner to take drugs or drink more than usual. An abusive partner may also use sexual assault and coercion as a way to maintain control.
8. There’s violence or threats of violence
Unexplained, frequent, or suspicious bruises and injuries may be a sign of physical abuse. Abusive partners may be explosive, or they may use physical violence or threats as a way to frighten and control the other person. The marks on victims may even be subtle, such as fingertip bruises on the arm from being grabbed.
Physical abuse is typically accompanied by threats. Abusers may threaten their partners with weapons or threaten to harm their partner’s children or pets if they don’t get what they want.
9. One partner is love bombing
Love bombing is a term used to describe showering a person with over-the-top affection. When other methods of control stop working, some abusers switch over to love-bombing mode.
Love bombing is a way to remind their partner of all of the great times they had together and give them hope for a better relationship. Once things are settled down, however, the abusive cycle begins again.
What should I do if I recognize I am in an abusive relationship?
The best thing you can do if you think you’re in an abusive relationship is to start telling others what’s actually going on. Get back in touch with trusted friends and family members. And don’t make excuses for your abuser.
Explain your partner’s behavior objectively and see what the people close to you think. If you respected a friend’s opinion in the past, there’s a good chance you can trust it now. If they have concerns, take them seriously.
If you have access to counseling, that may be helpful as well. You can talk through your feelings and options and get help deciding what to do next.
Leaving an abusive relationship can be dangerous. So it may also be helpful to develop a safety plan with the support of a loved one, when you’re ready to get out.
If you are in immediate danger, or are having trouble leaving a relationship, seek help right away. Visit the Domestic Violence Hotline online or call 1-800-799-SAFE (7233).
What should I do if I recognize signs that someone I love is in an abusive relationship?
If you’ve ever had a loved one struggle to leave a bad relationship, you know how difficult it can be. It can take a while to untangle from a pattern of control and make a clean break safely. Research suggests it takes an average of seven tries for a victim to successfully leave an abusive relationship for good.
One of the best things you can do is let your loved one know that you care about them and don’t judge them or their situation. Tell them you’re open to listening anytime they need support. If they don’t take you up on that right away, they may later.
Also, keep in mind that your loved one may have a better understanding of the safety issues involved. Sometimes, leaving a relationship is more dangerous than staying. So your loved one may need to build up more support and put a safety plan in place before leaving.
You can help by offering to connect them with resources. When they’re ready to leave, they might need immediate shelter, legal support, or financial help. Local domestic violence centers and other organizations may be able to provide them with assistance.
Resources and support for victims of domestic abuse
There are many resources dedicated to supporting victims of abuse. If you are in an abusive relationship, here are some options to consider:
If you’re in immediate danger, call 911.
Visit the Domestic Violence Hotline online or call 1-800-799-SAFE (7233). You can also use the organization’s interactive safety planning tool to help you prepare to leave an abusive partner.
Contact the National Sexual Assault Hotline at 1-800-656-HOPE (4673) or visit the Rape, Abuse and Incest National Network (RAINN) online.
Visit Love is Respect, a national website created to help teens and young adults. Or call 1-866-331-9474 or text LOVEIS to 22522.
Check out VictimConnect Resource Center (VCRC), a helpline that provides information and services to crime victims. Call 1-855-484-2846 for assistance.
Visit the Trevor Project, an organization dedicated to LGBTQ youth in need of support.
The National Center on Domestic Violence, Trauma, and Mental Health offers a comprehensive list of other domestic violence resources throughout the U.S.
Finally, consider seeking out professional counseling for ongoing support. To locate a therapist near you, ask your loved ones or your current healthcare providers for referrals. You can also search for providers online using databases like:
Gaylesta (LGBTQ therapists)
InnoPsych (therapists of color for people of color)
Open Path Psychotherapy Collective (low-cost therapy)
The bottom line
Being in an abusive relationship is more complicated than it seems. Often, abusers use tactics to manipulate and confuse their victims as a way to hide the abuse. But common signs of abuse include isolating a partner, constantly putting a partner down, and controlling most of the decisions in the relationship. In some cases, physical violence and threats are used as well.
If you or someone you care about is in an abusive relationship, know that you’re not alone. There are several programs and resources available to help.
Why trust our experts?
References
Avdibegovic, E., et al. (2017). Emotional profile of women victims of domestic violence. Materia Socio-Medica.
Love is Respect. (n.d.). Too good to be true?
Love is Respect. (n.d.). What is respect in a healthy relationship?
National Coalition Against Domestic Violence. (n.d.). Why do victims stay?
National Domestic Violence Hotline. (n.d.). Create a safety plan.
National Domestic Violence Hotline. (n.d.). Power and control wheel.
National Domestic Violence Hotline. (n.d.). Warning signs of abuse — Know what to look for.
National Domestic Violence Hotline. (n.d.). What is emotional abuse?
RESPOND. (n.d.). DV facts & stats.
World Health Organization. (2022). Preventing intimate partner violence improves mental health.
