Is ‘Mutual Abuse’ Really a Thing? No, and Here’s Why
Key takeaways:
Despite the popularity of the term, mutual abuse does not exist. It is impossible for both members of an unhealthy relationship to have equal power.
Abusers might use the concept of mutual abuse to blame the people they abuse for their harmful behavior.
Victims of abuse may fight back, defend themselves, or attempt to regain a sense of control. This does not mean they are guilty of mutual abuse.
Sometimes, the term mutual abuse is used to describe what happens when partners in an unhealthy relationship engage in harmful behavior directed at each other. But, in taking a closer look at the true definition of abuse, experts confirm that mutual abuse does not exist.
The myth of mutual abuse can make it all the more difficult for victims to correctly identify when abuse is present. This can prevent them from getting the support they need to leave the relationship.
What is mutual abuse?
Most experts in domestic violence conclude that mutual abuse does not exist. But that doesn’t mean you won’t hear the term used sometimes, especially in the media. Typically, it’s incorrectly used to describe an unhealthy relationship in which two people are thought to be equally abusive toward each other.
Abuse involves a repeated pattern of purposely harmful behavior used to enact control over another person. This can take many forms. Some forms of abuse, such as verbal and physical abuse, are more visible to others. But other forms of abuse — like psychological and financial abuse — can be harder to detect from the outside.
At its core, abuse involves an imbalance of power. Mutual abuse cannot exist because it’s impossible for partners in an abusive relationship to have exactly the same amount of power.
The person with the most power uses it to control, manipulate, or harm their partner, whom they are abusing. The person with less power, however, may fight back in an attempt at self-defense or to regain control.
Where did the term mutual abuse come from?
The term mutual abuse is sometimes used as a legal defense — like in the high-profile 2022 court case involving actors Johnny Depp and Amber Heard. It stems from a misunderstanding about how unhealthy relationships work and the difference between abuse and conflict.
For example, imagine there’s a couple getting into an argument in a grocery store parking lot. Their voices get louder and louder as they shout at each other. They both gesture with their hands, and it’s clear that emotions are running high. All of a sudden, one partner shoves the other against the car. Next, the shoved partner slaps the other.
Someone called upon to intervene in the situation might see the couple and think that the altercation is an example of mutual abuse. Both people are shouting, and they both put their hands on each other. But that likely isn’t the whole story.
In this situation, there might be a long history of one partner exerting control over the other. This would indicate the presence of abuse in the relationship, meaning that what happened in the parking lot could be the abused partner’s attempt to fight back.
When people who intervene in these types of situations — such as law enforcement — jump to the conclusion of mutual abuse, it oversimplifies the complex dynamics of abusive relationships. It’s also inaccurate and can be harmful to the person being abused in relationships.
Why is mutual abuse considered a myth?
Mutual abuse is a myth because there is always an imbalance of power in an abusive relationship. Abuse cannot happen if both partners have the same amount of power.
It can be hard to see a power imbalance from outside of a relationship if you don’t know the full story. This can be especially true if the partner with less power fights back. The relationship dynamics of intimate partner violence can be complex.
People who witness an abusive relationship often incorrectly label a victim’s attempts at self-defense as mutual abuse. Labeling self-defense as mutual abuse is also a way to blame victims for being abused. But standing up for yourself is not mutual abuse, whether it’s speaking up in response to an attack or defending yourself physically.
Victims of abuse may yell, hit, push, or shove to protect themselves or retain a sense of independence or control. They have the right to protect themselves without being blamed for the harm they’ve experienced.
What are the symptoms or red flags of an abusive relationship?
While every situation is unique, there are some signs that could mean that you or someone you care about is in an abusive relationship. Be aware if your partner exhibits the following behaviors:
Repeatedly calling you names or insulting you
Isolating you from friends and loved ones
Making threats
Withholding information or lying to you
Demanding to know your whereabouts at all times
Violating your privacy
Being physically or sexually violent
Pressuring you to do things you don’t want to do
Destroying your personal belongings
Denying and refusing to acknowledge wrongdoing
Causing you to feel like you need to protect yourself physically, verbally, or emotionally to stay safe
While this isn’t an exhaustive list, if any of these red flags are present in your relationship, it may be time to talk to someone who can help. Contact the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 1-800-799-7233 to create a safety plan and identify resources in your community.
The bottom line
Mutual abuse cannot exist because all forms of abuse have something in common: an imbalance of power. Two people in an abusive relationship cannot have equal power over each other.
Abusers use their power to control or manipulate their victim using forms of abuse like physical violence, emotional manipulation, and intimidation. Sometimes, victims may fight back in self-defense or to regain some control. But there is still a power imbalance.
The myth of mutual abuse harms victims and survivors because it inadvertently blames them for the harm they’ve experienced. In challenging the myth of mutual abuse, we can ensure more victims and survivors get the help they need.
Why trust our experts?
References
Arizona Coalition To End Sexual and Domestic Violence. (n.d.). Types of domestic violence.
Cheung, K. (2022). Beyond the Amber Heard-Johnny Depp trial, the term ‘mutual abuse’ hurts all victims. Jezebel.
Dokkedahl, S., et al. (2019). Understanding the mutual partner dynamic of intimate partner violence: A review. Partner Abuse.
Donovan, C., et al. (2020). Conclusion: Telling different stories about intimate partner violence and abuse. Queering Narratives of Domestic Violence and Abuse.
Eigenberg, H. M., et al. (2012). Confronting the complexities of domestic violence: A social prescription for rethinking police training. Journal of Police Crisis Negotiations.
Hodes, C., et al. (2018). Is it conflict or abuse? A practice note for furthering differential assessment and response. Clinical Social Work Journal.
Love is Respect. (n.d.). Power and control in dating abuse.
R., J. (n.d.). The myth of mutual abuse. National Domestic Violence Hotline.
Sung, M., et al. (2022). Experts question the phrase 'mutual abuse' after testimony in Depp-Heard trial. NBC News.
Thurrott, S. (2022). Is mutual abuse real? DomesticShelters.org.
Women’s Aid. (n.d.). Recognising domestic abuse.
