5 Types of Emotional Manipulation You May Recognize
Key takeaways:
Emotional manipulation is when someone plays on your emotions in an attempt to influence or control your behavior for their own benefit.
You may experience emotional manipulation as receiving the silent treatment, being gaslit, or being love bombed.
Emotional manipulation ranges in severity and can take many forms. But if it persists, it can cause great harm to your health and well-being.
Table of contents
Emotional manipulation can occur in all types of relationships. It involves using an imbalance of power to control or manipulate another person. The manipulator uses their victim's emotions and vulnerability to get what they want.
Emotional manipulation exists on a spectrum. Some forms occur rarely and are relatively harmless but other forms can cause severe harm.
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What does emotional manipulation look like?
The following list highlights some common forms of emotional manipulation. And if you're experiencing any of them, it could be a sign of its presence in your relationship.
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1. Reverse psychology
This is a sometimes confusing manipulation tactic. People using reverse psychology act as if they want someone to do one thing when they really want them to do the opposite of that thing.
Reverse psychology isn’t always emotional manipulation. But it is when the intention is to get someone to change what they are doing.
2. Silent treatment
When someone gives you the silent treatment they stop speaking to you. This is a form of emotional withdrawal and isolation. It can feel like a punishment and erode your sense of belonging and self-esteem.
3. Gaslighting
According to the American Psychology Association (APA), gaslighting is “an attempt to “manipulate another person into doubting his or her perceptions, experiences, or understanding of events.”
Have you ever had someone repeatedly deny their words or actions as you remember them? If so, you may have been the victim of gaslighting. This can cause you to question reality or blame yourself for someone else’s behavior.
4. Love bombing
Love bombing involves excessive, often over-the-top, displays of affection at the start of a relationship. For example, a person might shower you with compliments or lavish gifts after just a few dates.
This technique is designed to lull you into a position of trust so that you become easier to control later on. It may also be used to excuse later mistreatment by saying love bombing “balances” things out.
5. Emotional blackmail
Ranging from subtle to more extreme, blackmail hinges on a threat of harm. Blackmailing is a way of communicating, “If you don’t do something for me, something bad will happen to you.” This emotional manipulation tactic involves using fear and shame to control another person, often in place of healthy conflict resolution.
What causes manipulative behavior?
Emotional manipulation can be caused by various factors. Some of these can be found below.
Family dynamics
If you experienced parental manipulation as a child, you might be at risk of repeating the cycle. There are a few ways you may experience this.
A parent may use emotional manipulation to influence your behavior directly. It could also take the form of parental alienation, when one parent emotionally manipulates you into hating your other parent.
Fortunately, you can learn to spot manipulative behavior and choose a different approach with your own family.
Attachment style
Attachment styles describe how people relate to one another. It says that our adult relationships reflect the ways we “attach” to our primary caregivers.
Research shows that people who have an anxious attachment style may bemore likely to engage in manipulative behavior. This is not the result of a character flaw or moral failing. Instead, it often stems from a history of unmet needs in childhood.
Emotional intelligence
Emotionally intelligent people are able to recognize and manage their own emotions. They can also spot and empathize with the emotions of others. So sometimes, people may use this intelligence to influence someone else's vulnerability for personal gain.
But it’s important to note that emotional intelligence and emotional manipulation are two distinct concepts. You can have high emotional intelligence without ever using your emotional aptitude to harm someone else.
What are the effects of emotional manipulation in a relationship?
Emotional manipulation is more likely to rear its head in romantic relationships. It can also occur among close friends and family. After all, it’s hard to manipulate someone you don’t know very well. But like other forms of emotional abuse, emotional manipulation can damage your relationships.
It can lead to:
Codependency: This is a characteristic of an emotionally unhealthy relationship.It causes partners to feel responsible for the other person's thoughts, feelings, and behaviors. People in codependent relationships sometimes feel a desire to influence or control one another. Left unchecked, this can lead to emotional manipulation.
Fear of abandonment: Experiencing emotional manipulation can lead you to worry that your partner will leave you if you don't behave a certain way. For example, this can occur if your partner often gives you the silent treatment or threatens divorce in the face of conflict.
Trust and communication challenges: It can be hard to be yourself and communicate authentically if your version of events is always questioned. And it can be hard to trust someone who often criticizes you and uses shame and blame to control you.
What to do about a manipulative relationship
If you think you might be in an emotionally manipulative relationship, here are some things you can do to empower yourself:
Read up on emotional abuse so you can learn to spot emotional manipulation when it happens. This will help you see the source of the problem as opposed to blaming yourself.
Talk to someone you trust (like a close friend or family member) about what you’re experiencing. Emotional manipulation can make you question reality and blame yourself for problems. So, it can help to hear an outsider’s perspective.
Call out manipulation and unhealthy relationship patterns when it happens (but only if it is safe to do so). Calmly assert your boundaries and point of view. You might say something like, “You continue to blame me for the way you feel. But I’m not responsible for your emotions.”
Depending on your situation, you may benefit from speaking with a mental health professional. A therapist can help you heal from the effects of manipulation in your relationship. They can also help you set healthy limits.
The bottom line
Emotional manipulation is when someone purposefully uses emotional tactics to influence or control another person’s thoughts, emotions, or behaviors for their own benefit. It can take many forms and can be a sign of a mental health condition. Left unchecked, it can cause serious harm to your mental and emotional health.
So, if you think you might be experiencing emotional manipulation, it might help to talk to a professional. A therapist can help you understand the signs of manipulation, learn to address it safely, and begin to heal from its effects.
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References
Al-kreimeen, R. A., et al. (2022). The association of emotional blackmail and adjustment to college life among warned female students at Al-Balqa University students. Health Psychology Research.
American Psychological Association Dictionary of Psychology. (n.d.). Gaslight.
American Psychological Association Dictionary of Psychology. (n.d.). Manipulation.
Austin, E. J., et al. (2007). Emotional intelligence, Machiavellianism and emotional manipulation: Does EI have a dark side? Personality and Individual Differences.
Barbaro, N., et al. (2021). The (bidirectional) associations between romantic attachment orientations and mate retention behavior in male-female romantic couples. Evolution and Human Behavior.
Lewis, K. (n.d.). Parental alienation can be emotional child abuse. National Center for State Courts.
MacDonald, G., et al. (2011). Do people use reverse psychology? An exploration of strategic self-anticonformity. Social Influence.
Marks, A. D. G., et al. (2011). Development and validation of a revised measure of codependency. Australian Journal of Psychology.
Mental Health America. (n.d.). Co-dependency.
Nascimento, B. S., et al. (2022). Attachment styles and mate-retention: Exploring the mediating role of relationship satisfaction. Evolutionary Behavioral Sciences.
Office on Women’s Health. (2021). Emotional and verbal abuse. U.S. Department of Health & Human Services.
Verhaar, S., et al. (2022). The impact of parental alienating behaviours on the mental health of adults alienated in childhood. Children.
Williams, K. D., et al. (1998). The silent treatment: Perceptions of its behaviors and associated feelings. Group Processes & Intergroup Relations.
For additional resources or to connect with mental health services in your area, call SAMHSA’s National Helpline at 1-800-662-4357. For immediate assistance, call the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 988, or text HOME to 741-741 to reach the Crisis Text Line.
