Key takeaways:
There are many reasons it can be difficult to leave an abusive relationship, including unequal power dynamics, lack of resources, and trauma bonding.
In relationships in which there is domestic abuse, one partner uses a pattern of behavior to maintain control over another.
Creating a safety plan is one way to protect yourself when leaving an abusive relationship.
From the outside looking in, it can be hard to understand why someone would stay in an abusive relationship. However, there are many reasons people in abusive relationships stay. And “just leaving” is much easier said than done. In relationships in which there is domestic abuse, one partner uses a pattern of behavior to maintain power and control over their partner.
If you’re struggling to leave an abusive relationship, you’re not alone. An estimated 1 in 4 women, and 1 in 9 men, experience domestic abuse in the U.S. And people of all races, religions, and sexual orientations are impacted.
Quiz: Is my relationship toxic?
What are reasons people can’t leave an abusive relationship?
Here are five common reasons people stay in abusive relationships, despite the pain they may be experiencing.
1. They might not realize they are being abused
When you think of an abusive relationship, an intoxicated husband hitting his wife or a couple throwing objects at each other may be the first image that comes to mind. But abuse isn’t always obvious.
Sometimes, it’s not clear to people that their partner’s behavior is abusive. And sometimes they’ve experienced abuse in past relationships, so abusive behavior seems “normal” now.
2. The power dynamics make it difficult to leave
Abusive relationships are characterized by uneven power dynamics. Abusers use abusive or manipulative tactics to assert control in relationships. Over time, this can cause the people experiencing abuse to feel powerless. And they may come to believe leaving the relationship is not an option.
In addition to feeling powerless, those in abusive relationships may lack resources and support. For example, someone in an abusive relationship might not have access to their own money and be financially dependent on their abuser. This makes it harder for them to find a place to live on their own.
Here are some additional factors that can make someone vulnerable to the power dynamics in an abusive relationship:
Having children with the abuser
Being pregnant
Having a disability and/or health condition
Not having enough family and social support
Having an addiction or misusing substances with the abuser
Having an immigration status that ties them to the abuser
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3. The abuse is inconsistent
Oftentimes, not every moment of an abusive relationship is bad. In fact, there can be periods of reconciliation, during which the abusive partner apologizes. There can also be periods of calm, during which there is a temporary pause in the abuse.
These points in the cycle of abuse are known as the “honeymoon phases.” And they can make the person being abused believe things will get better if they stay.
Similarly, “love bombing” may occur at the beginning of an abusive relationship. Love bombing involves showering a partner with over-the-top flattery, gifts, or affection to gain control. If a relationship began with love bombing, the person being abused may believe things can return to how they were before.
The misuse of drugs and alcohol can also complicate abusive relationships. An abusive partner may “only” be abusive while misusing substances. Or a partner may only be abusive during an episode of mental health symptoms, like a manic episode.
An abuser may try to use either of these things as a way to avoid responsibility for their actions. Or a person experiencing abuse may feel it’s unfair to leave an abuser who “only” abuses them while misusing a substance or during a mental health episode.
4. The person being abused is trauma bonded to their abuser
Trauma bonding can occur between people being abused and their abusers when an emotional attachment forms through the cycle of abuse.
In these cases, the positive behaviors that might follow the abuse — like apologies and romantic gestures — make the person being abused feel closer to their abuser.
Signs of a trauma bond include:
Rationalizing or making excuses for a partner’s negative behaviors
Lying to friends and family about the abusive person’s behaviors
Blaming oneself for the other person’s negative behaviors
5. Leaving an abusive relationship can be dangerous
Unfortunately, the most dangerous time for someone in an abusive relationship is often when they try to leave. People in abusive relationships have valid reasons to fear that an attempt to end the relationship could result in escalated violence or abuse. This is why it’s especially important to not rush or pressure someone to leave an abusive relationship.
Tips on leaving an abusive relationship
If you’re considering leaving an abusive relationship, a little prep work can help. Consider taking the following actions to help you get out safely when you’re ready.
Acknowledge that the abuse is not your fault
No one deserves to be in an abusive relationship. It’s not acceptable for one partner to have control over the other. Loving relationships don’t involve abuse — and recognizing you don’t deserve abuse is often an important first step.
Create a safety plan
A safety plan is a set of actions that can lower your risk of being hurt when you choose to leave an abusive relationship. Your plan should outline things like:
A code word or phrase you can quickly send to loved ones to indicate you need help
Safe places you can go to get away from your abusive partner
A list of the items you should take with you when you leave
Loved ones you can reach out to for support and safety
Specific travel routes you can take to escape your partner
Ways to access separate financial resources, if possible
The National Domestic Violence Hotline also suggests giving a copy of your safety plan to someone you trust. You can access the hotline’s virtual safety planning tool online.
Seek mental health support
Mental health providers like therapists can offer emotional support as you navigate leaving an abusive relationship. Healing from an abusive relationship takes time. And it’s normal to need mental health support during and after an abusive relationship.
What can I do for a loved one trying to leave an abusive relationship?
It can be difficult to watch a loved one struggle in an abusive relationship. Here are a few ways you can offer help and support.
Be patient
Leaving an abusive relationship can be dangerous, and it can take time to get out safely. On average, it takes people seven attempts to leave an abusive partner permanently.
Be patient as your loved one navigates both the emotional toll and sometimes tricky logistics of leaving an abusive relationship. Try to offer nonjudgmental support instead of simply pressuring them to leave.
Offer tangible resources
If you can, offer your loved one tangible resources they might need to leave their abusive relationship safely. This could be:
A safe place to stay
Child care
Support in making a safety plan
Never victim blame
Even if you don’t understand why someone would stay in an abusive relationship, victim blaming is not the answer. Educate yourself about the nature of abusive relationships, and empower your loved one instead of blaming them for the abuse.
What are the different types of abuse?
Abuse can take different forms. Often, multiple forms of abuse are present in abusive relationships. All of the following types of behavior are considered abuse.
Physical abuse
Any act that involves physical control can be considered physical abuse, even if a partner doesn’t lay a hand on you.
In addition to violent acts like punching, kicking, and throwing objects, the following behaviors are also considered physical abuse:
Forbidding a partner from eating or sleeping
Driving recklessly or dangerously with a partner in the car
Trapping a partner in the home or preventing them from leaving
Preventing a partner from taking medication or denying them medical treatment
Emotional abuse
Emotional abuse and neglect can be especially hard to recognize. With emotional abuse, partners attempt to gain control through criticizing, shaming, and manipulating the other person. An abusive partner may use insults, threats, and humiliation to achieve this.
Emotional abuse can also involve gaslighting, which is when one partner causes the other to question their own reality. It can also involve emotional neglect, or the withholding of emotional support and communication.
Other ways emotional abuse can show up in a relationship include:
Isolating a partner from friends and family
Monitoring a partner’s activities
Blaming a partner for abusive behavior
Sexual abuse
Sexual abuse can happen in relationships that also involve consentual sex. It’s important to remember sexual acts require consent every time. Just because you said yes to something once doesn’t mean you don’t have to say yes again.
The following acts are also considered sexual abuse:
Forcing a partner to dress in a sexual way
Insulting a partner using sexual language
Forcing or manipulating a partner into performing sexual acts, even if they’re sick or tired
Choking or restraining a partner during sex without their consent
Tying resources — like money and freedom — to sexual performance
Financial abuse
In relationships in which financial resources are shared, financial abuse can be tricky to spot. This is especially true if one partner is particularly vulnerable, like if they can’t work due to illness or a disability.
The following are examples of how financial abuse shows up in relationships:
Closely monitoring how a partner spends money
Depositing a partner’s paycheck into an account they can’t access
Preventing a partner from working or controlling how much they work
Living in a partner’s home but refusing to financially contribute
Resources and support for domestic violence
If you’re experiencing abuse in a relationship and need additional resources and assistance, check out the following:
National Domestic Violence Hotline: Call 1-800-799-7233 or text “START” to 88788 to chat with a trained advocate. Through the hotline’s website, you can also find a database of local resources, including for transitional housing and food assistance.
WomensLaw.org: This resource officers legal information for survivors of domestic violence of all genders. Reach out to their email hotline and use their online state-by-state database to locate legal assistance in your area.
Rape, Abuse, and Incest National Network (RAINN): Survivors of sexual abuse can call 1-800-656-4673 to talk to a trained staff member. RAINN also offers a chat service through their website.
The bottom line
Abusive relationships are complicated and often involve multiple forms of abuse. Factors like unequal power dynamics, lack of resources, and fear of retaliation are all reasons it can be hard to leave.
If you are in an abusive relationship, creating a safety plan and seeking mental health support can help you leave safely. For those supporting loved ones in abusive relationships, be patient, offer tangible resources, and never victim blame.
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References
National Coalition Against Domestic Violence. (n.d.). Why do victims stay?
National Coalition Against Domestic Violence. (2020). Statistics.
National Domestic Violence Hotline. (n.d.). Create a safety plan.
National Domestic Violence Hotline. (n.d.). Drugs, alcohol and abuse.
National Domestic Violence Hotline. (n.d.). Types of abuse.
National Domestic Violence Hotline. (n.d.). Understand relationship abuse.
National Domestic Violence Hotline. (n.d.). What is gaslighting?
National Domestic Violence Hotline. (n.d.). Why people stay in abusive relationships.
Respond, Inc. (n.d.). DV facts & stats.
Sangeetha, J., et al. (2022). Strategic analysis of intimate partner violence (IPV) and cycle of violence in the autobiographical text – When I Hit You. Heliyon.
U.S. Citizenship and Immigration Services. (2011). Information on the legal rights available to immigrant victims of domestic violence in the United States and facts about immigrating on a marriage-based visa fact sheet.
