It’s Not OK for Your Girlfriend to Hit You — We’re Here to Help
Key takeaways:
Emotional and physical abuse by female partners is more common than many people realize. And it unfortunately carries a stigma.
Intimate partner violence or abuse of any kind by your girlfriend is never normal or OK. It’s important to get help at the first sign of abuse.
If you need immediate help, call the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 1-800-799-7233 or text “SAFE” to 88788.
Table of contents
When people hear the term “domestic violence,” they often think of women as the victims and men as the abusers. But many times, women are the abusers. And men can suffer from emotional and physical abuse by women in relationships. Sadly, male victims are often left out of the conversation. This stigma can increase the challenge to access the help they need.
Intimate partner violence affects all people — and abuse occurs in different types of relationships. This includes people in a heterosexual or same-sex relationship, those with a trans or nonbinary partner, or those in a polyamorous or open relationship. In this article, we discuss what to do if you’re experiencing violence in your relationship with a female-identifying partner or girlfriend.
How common is it to have an abusive girlfriend?
It’s hard to know exactly how common it is to have an abusive girlfriend. This is because many statistics don’t report the gender of the violent partner. But scientists are looking more specifically at how frequently women abuse men in relationships.
Some research suggests that intimate partner violence against men happens as often as it does against women. And one large review found that women are physically aggressive as often as men are in intimate relationships.
Still, abuse from a girlfriend is underreported. Men in heterosexual relationships report domestic abuse less frequently. Researchers think this may be related to several different things:
The stigma attached to intimate partner violence, and how reporting it can feel shameful
The stereotype that violent partners are only men
Fear of humiliation, social isolation, or that no one will believe you
The worry that police will wrongly assume the man is the abuser, or won’t take any action
Not knowing where to go for help
Research is fairly limited for same-sex couples. One large survey found that lesbian women report the same or higher levels of physical and sexual violence as heterosexual couples. So, having an abusive girlfriend may happen more often in lesbian relationships.
Health insurance for survivors of domestic violence: If you worry about losing health insurance if you leave your partner, you have options.
Financial support for people in abusive relationships: There are resources that can help you with safe shelter, food, and financial independence.
Manipulation in relationships: Signs of manipulation and emotional abuse can be hard to recognize. But they are harmful and an important warning sign.
What are the signs of an abusive relationship?
Physical or sexual abuse is often more obvious than emotional abuse. It can include things like:
Hitting, grabbing, pushing, kicking, punching, slapping, biting, strangling, or choking
Throwing items at or near you (like a plate, phone, or book)
Touching any part of you in a way that feels threatening, unwelcome, or uncomfortable
Forcing you to have sex or do sexual things
Girlfriends can also be emotionally or psychologically abusive. This may look like:
Control: This can happen in a number of different ways. For example, they may monitor your cellphone use or limit who you can hang out with.
Isolation: They don’t let you see friends or family. Or maybe they simply ignore you.
Intimidation: They yell at you or threaten to leave or harm you.
Gaslighting: This happens when they make you question your feelings, experience, or what you believe to be true. They can do this by pretending not to understand you, or suggesting that what you say or believe is irrational.
Denial: They say the abuse never happened, or that it’s normal or OK.
Humiliation: They call you names, insult you, or embarrass you.
Stalking: Making unwanted calls, sending unwanted texts, or showing up unannounced constitute stalking.
Punishment: They punish you by withholding love, affection, or even interaction if you do something “wrong.”
Manipulation: If you share children together, they can manipulate you by withholding child contact. They can also say they’re pregnant when they aren’t.
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It can be tough to recognize or acknowledge the signs. Especially if you’ve experienced similar behavior in other relationships. And often, an abuser will change how they act after they abuse their partner. For example, they’ll show love and affection or even apologize, which can be confusing.
But remember that any of the above behaviors — even if your partner is kind or loving towards you afterward — are never OK.
What to do if your girlfriend is hitting you
If your girlfriend is hitting you, it can be hard to know what to do. Protecting yourself is the first and most important thing. Especially because the abuse is still dangerous even if it’s coming from a girlfriend. It can be easy to think that a girl will inflict less physical harm than a man. But abuse from any partner — including a girlfriend — can be serious and life-threatening.
You’ll want to first develop a plan that keeps you safe. This may include:
Identify a safe space in your home where you can hide.
Locate nearby shelters that you can reach on foot or via public transportation.
Identify how you can safely leave your home (a window or back door, for example).
Practice leaving your home with your children.
Store helpful numbers in your phone, like the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 1-800-799-7233, or text “SAFE” to 88788.
Make sure knives, guns, and other potential weapons are locked away.
Keep your vehicle ready for an escape if you have one. This means it should be fueled, unlocked (if possible), and backed into the driveway so that it’s easier to pull out.
And if you can’t get out of harm’s way, the following steps may help protect you from physical injury:
Make yourself as small as possible by curling up into a ball.
Protect your face and head using your arms as best as you can.
Move into a spot in the room where you can’t be reached as easily, like behind furniture or in a small corner.
Finding yourself in this situation can be overwhelming and very scary. It can be easy to feel stuck or frozen, and it may take a lot of energy to move your body. Remind yourself that staying safe is the priority.
Should you leave the relationship?
Yes, you should leave the relationship if your girlfriend is harming you in any way. Your health and well-being should never be at risk in any relationship. But leaving the relationship isn’t always easy. It may even feel impossible. Especially if you:
Still have strong romantic feelings for your partner
Love your partner despite how they’re treating you
Feel hopeful that your partner can change
Live with your partner
Have a child, children, or a pet with your partner
Have been with your partner for a long time
Depend on your partner for help (financially or medically)
Worry that your partner will harm you further if you leave
And it can be hard to leave due to shame. Since most people don’t consider women to be abusive, some people feel embarrassed to admit that their girlfriend is hurting them.
But even though leaving an abusive relationship is hard for many different reasons, it’s important that you do so. Abuse is usually repeated, and tends to get worse. And staying in a relationship with an abusive partner can lead to both physical and mental harms. In men abused by women, this includes post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD) and depression.
When you do leave, remember that you aren’t alone. If you can, talk with your friends and loved ones about what’s going on. They can support you in different ways — by listening, providing a safe place for you to stay, and emotionally supporting you in the process.
How to get help for intimate partner violence
It’s OK to ask for help if you’re experiencing intimate partner violence. Online resources may be a good place to start. You may consider:
Creating a safety plan: This interactive tool allows you to develop a personal plan that you can use when you’re planning to leave, are leaving, or after you leave an abusive relationship.
Exploring local resources: Shelters, counselors, support groups, and coalitions against intimate partner violence may be available in your state.
Getting legal help: You may consider filing a protective order (also known as a restraining order) against your partner. Regional laws may vary, but this generally prevents your abusive partner from ever coming within 200 feet of you.
Visiting a health center: The Health Resources and Services Administration has an online search page where you can enter your location to see what health center is closest to you.
The bottom line
Although less commonly talked about, girlfriends can be abusive. And emotional and physical abuse by female partners carries a stigma. So, admitting that your girlfriend is harming you may feel shameful and difficult.
But any kind of abuse from your girlfriend is never normal or OK. And even though it may feel scary to leave the relationship, remember that staying may put you in further danger. Every step toward leaving an abusive relationship — even if it’s a small one — is an important one.
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References
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