Mad at Your Therapist? It’s More Common Than You Might Think

Anger is a common emotion that everyone experiences from time to time. Anger is typically thought of as a “negative” emotion, but it is actually quite useful. It can tell you that something is wrong or there is a problem in a relationship, which can motivate you to address the issue.

Feelings of anger can come up in any relationship, even with your therapist. Therapists typically don’t try to make their clients angry. But sometimes they may say or do something that upsets you. The question then becomes, how do you handle it? 

Is it normal to get mad at your therapist?

Yes, it is normal to feel anger toward your therapist. Though therapy is a professional relationship, it is like other relationships in many ways. Both therapists and clients experience many different feelings toward one another. It’s OK to experience uncomfortable emotions like anger toward your therapist. But it can be helpful to think about where those feelings are coming from.

When you feel anger toward your therapist, it’s possible you’re experiencing transference. Transference is when a client places feelings toward another person in their life, often a significant person from early childhood, onto their therapist. This is usually unconscious, meaning that you’re not aware that you’re doing so.

An example of transference would be a client feeling like a therapist is unsympathetic. After exploring this, the therapist and client learn that the client was raised by an authoritarian father who never showed emotion. The client interpreted the therapist’s behavior as similar to their father, even though the therapist may have responded in a way that someone else wouldn’t see as unsympathetic. The client transferred feelings they hold toward their own father onto the therapist.

But not all anger in therapy is caused by transference. The therapist may have: 

• Misunderstood the client

• Made a mistake

• Pushed too hard

• Been preoccupied during the session

• Displayed other human imperfections, such as forgetting names

In these situations, a client may be having a justified response to what actually happened in the relationship.

Regardless of why you feel angry, a good therapist will help you sort out these feelings. They will also work to repair hurt feelings in the relationship.

Factors that can lead to hurt feelings in therapy

Therapists don’t intend to upset their clients, but sometimes their behavior can result in hurt feelings. Some of these behaviors include:

• Canceling your appointment

• Arriving late to your session

• Failing to empathize with your feelings

• Disagreeing with something that you said

• Forgetting something you’ve told them

• Making a billing mistake

• Judging you for something that you said or did

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Should you tell your therapist they made you angry?

Yes, you should let your therapist know if you feel angry or upset with them. Understanding and working through difficult emotions is an important part of therapy. It’s the therapist’s job to listen to your concerns and help you work through these feelings without getting overwhelmed by your emotional reactions. 

Examining your reactions to your therapist is called a here-and-now approach to therapy. It’s a strategy used in many different types of therapies that focus on the therapeutic relationship. A here-and-now approach involves exploring your present feelings and reactions toward your therapist. The goal is to help you express and cope with a wide range of emotions. You also get practice on how to respond when you feel angry in other relationships in your life.

Discussing your feelings toward your therapist is an effective approach. One study found that a focus on the therapeutic relationship was associated with fewer depressive symptoms and more change in therapy.

What to do if you get upset with your therapist

It can feel awkward or uncomfortable to talk about feelings like anger toward your therapist. But being open with your therapist can help you express yourself, learn how to cope with intense emotions, and strengthen the therapeutic relationship.

Below are three tips on what to do if you feel upset with your therapist.

1. Reflect on your feelings

If you’re feeling an uncomfortable emotion toward your therapist, take some time to reflect on what you’re feeling. You can write down your thoughts in a journal or just think through them. To get started, ask yourself the following questions:

• What emotion or emotions am I feeling right now?

• What did my therapist say or do that may have triggered this emotion?

• Is this situation reminding me of something that I experienced in the past?

• Are there other factors that are contributing to how I feel?

Try to identify all of the emotions that you’re feeling toward your therapist. You can also experience a secondary emotion in reaction to a primary one like anger. For example, feeling angry at your therapist could also trigger shame. 

2. Talk to your therapist

This can be the hardest step, but it’s very important. Once you’re clearer on what you’re feeling and why, you can bring this up to your therapist. You can speak up about these feelings even if you’re still confused about why you feel angry. Bring it up when you feel ready.

It’s normal to feel nervous about telling your therapist how you feel toward them. But remember that it’s your therapist’s job to be open to all of your feelings. You can even let your therapist know that you’re feeling nervous about bringing it up. A good therapist will be receptive to what you have to say and not judge or shame you for it.

3. Practice effective coping skills

Experiencing anger toward your therapist is a good opportunity to practice what you’re learning in therapy. Your anger management, conflict resolution, and coping skills will come in handy.

To help cope with your anger, you can try the following:

• Deep breathing techniques

• Calming affirmations

• Meditation

• Visualizing relaxing imagery

Is it OK to challenge your therapist?

If you disagree with something that your therapist has said, it’s OK to share that with them. You have the right to share that you disagree and what your feelings, thoughts, and values are. Therapy is a safe space for you to share all of your thoughts and feelings. 

A good therapist will be receptive to your challenge. They will listen to your perspective and talk through it with you. Good therapists model the same effective communication skills that they teach to their clients.

Challenging your therapist respectfully can be another good opportunity to practice your communication and coping skills. 

How do you know when it’s time to find a new therapist?

Sometimes a therapist and client are not a good match and it’s best to move on. If you find yourself in one of the following situations, it may be time to find a new therapist:

• Your therapist isn’t open to talking about the therapeutic relationship.

• Your therapist dismisses your feelings.

• You often feel judged by your therapist.

• Your therapist talks too much about their personal life.

• You feel like you’re not making progress.

• Your therapist does not have enough cultural competency to be the ally you need.

When you’re angry, your immediate reaction may be to find a new therapist. Depending on your relationship with your therapist, you may want to bring up your concerns first. If your therapist isn’t receptive or you’re not able to resolve your concerns, then you may want to find a new therapist. 

There are some instances where a therapist’s behaviors are harmful. If your therapist acts unethically or makes a sexual advance toward you, then it’s best to stop seeing them right away. You may also want to consider reporting them to your state’s licensing board.

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Written by:

Emily Guarnotta, PsyD

Emily Guarnotta, PsyD, is a licensed clinical psychologist and certified perinatal mental health professional with over 10 years of clinical experience.

Edited by:

Renée Fabian, MA

Renée Fabian is the senior pet health editor at GoodRx. She’s worked for nearly 10 years as a journalist and editor across a wide range of health and well-being topics.

Reviewed by:

India B. Gomez, PhD

India B. Gomez, PhD, is a licensed clinical psychologist with a certificate in Latin American Family Therapy. She completed her doctoral education at the California School of Professional Psychology/Alliant International University.

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