Self-Compassion: What It Means to Be Kinder to Yourself
Key takeaways:
Self-compassion is all about being kind to yourself instead of criticizing your thoughts, feelings, or behaviors.
While it might be easier to focus on your shortcomings instead of your strengths, improving your self-compassion can improve your health and well-being.
Sometimes mental health conditions like anxiety or depression can make it difficult to cultivate self-compassion. If that’s the case, it might be helpful to talk to a mental health professional.
Imagine you just hit a goal you’ve been working hard to reach. When we’re celebrating our successes, it’s easy to feel connected to our strengths and positive attributes.
But how do you treat yourself after you’ve made a mistake? Having self-compassion doesn’t mean overlooking your shortcomings. It means treating yourself with the same patience, gentleness, and empathy you would offer a good friend when they’re feeling low.
What does it mean to have self-compassion?
Simply put, having self-compassion means being kind to yourself. It involves embracing more accepting thoughts about yourself, instead of practicing self-criticism. And it can help you feel connected to your strengths and positive qualities, rather than focusing on your perceived failings or flaws.
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Of course, this isn’t always an easy process. Sometimes, when we’re feeling down, it seems easier to focus on the negatives. But working to improve your self-compassion can have a positive effect on your mental and physical health, as well as on your relationships, which we discuss below.
Examples of self-compassion
Below are some examples of what self-compassion can look like.
Speaking kindly to yourself
If you notice negative, critical thoughts creeping into your mind, see if you can reframe them. For example, let’s say you missed a major deadline at work. You might think to yourself, “I can’t believe I blew that deadline. Now, my team is scrambling to catch up. I’m such a loser.”
It’s OK to be frustrated or disappointed with yourself sometimes. But, in this instance, consider what’s also true about the situation. Try saying something to yourself, like, “I didn’t miss that deadline intentionally. I’ve been struggling to keep up with all the extra work on my plate. I’m doing my best, and everyone messes up sometimes. I am going to work on making things right.”
Listening to your mind and body
Sometimes, when you’re rushing from one thing to the next, it’s hard to slow down and attend to your needs. But having self-compassion means honoring your mind and body.
Even when you’re busy, try to make time to care for yourself. This could be as simple as making sure to eat and drink water throughout the day. Or it could mean setting a consistent sleep schedule or taking small breaks whenever you feel anxious or overwhelmed.
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Setting healthy boundaries
If you’re used to putting other people’s needs before your own, setting healthy boundaries can be challenging. But honoring your limitations and prioritizing your needs can be a form of self-compassion.
For example, you might start saying no to social invitations when you’re tired or setting limits with people who tend to drain your energy.
Giving yourself permission to make mistakes
There isn’t a single person who doesn’t mess up sometimes; that’s just part of being human. But we are often our own worst critics and less likely to show ourselves patience than others.
If this feels familiar to you, try to reframe your mistakes as opportunities to learn and grow. Practicing self-compassion means seeing yourself as worthy of love and acceptance despite your imperfections.
Practicing mindfulness
Practicing mindfulness encourages you to reflect on your inner experiences without criticism. And the first step is to start increasing your awareness of your thoughts and feelings.
Try to notice and label what’s coming up in your mind and body, especially during challenging moments. Observe what you’re thinking and feeling with curiosity, instead of judgment.
This practice can help cultivate a deeper sense of self-compassion by separating your thoughts and feelings from your sense of self.
Benefits of self-compassion
Research shows that practicing self-compassion can provide a host of benefits for your health and well-being, including:
Lower levels of mental health concerns such as anxiety and depression
More resilience in response to challenges
More effective coping skills
Better ability to regulate emotions
More motivation to work toward goals
Improved physical health and reduced pain
Healthier interpersonal relationships and communication skills
Mental exercises to boost your self-compassion
If you’d like to boost your sense of self-compassion, here are some mental exercises that can help.
Write a self-compassion letter
Imagine that you’re taking the role of a close friend and write a letter to yourself from that perspective. Ask yourself:
What might your friend say to encourage you?
What strengths and positive attributes might they appreciate in you?
How might they help you reframe your shortcomings?
Use this letter to speak with kindness, patience, and compassion toward yourself.
Visualize self-compassion in action
Sometimes, it can be hard to embody something we can’t see. So close your eyes and take a few deep breaths to settle your mind and body. Now, picture yourself receiving acts of compassion from others. Notice what it feels like to receive this kindness. Then, imagine ways you can cultivate this feeling toward yourself.
Try loving-kindness meditation
Loving-kindness meditation is designed to help you find compassion for yourself. To practice this type of meditation:
When you’re in a quiet, comfortable place, put your hand on your heart.
Notice your breath moving in and out of your body, and feel your heartbeat under your hand.
Think soothing, compassionate thoughts about yourself as you listen to a self-compassion meditation script.
How do I know if I need to work on my self-compassion?
Everyone struggles with having self-compassion from time to time. But you might need to work on your self-compassion if:
You frequently think critical, negative thoughts about yourself.
You struggle to forgive yourself whenever you make a mistake.
You tend to take more than your fair share of the blame when things go wrong.
You have trouble maintaining healthy boundaries with others.
You rarely prioritize self-care, and you tend to put others’ needs before your own.
When to seek help from a mental health expert
While there are things you can do to improve your self-compassion on your own, sometimes it’s best to seek help from a mental health expert. If you’ve been working to improve your sense of self-compassion, but things aren’t getting better, there could be an underlying cause.
Research shows that mental health conditions like depression and anxiety, and experiencing trauma, can make it more difficult to develop self-compassion. By speaking with a mental health professional, you can uncover and address whatever might be making it hard for you to develop self-compassion.
The bottom line
Strengthening your sense of self-compassion can improve your mental and physical well-being and improve important relationships in your life. But it isn’t always easy to be kind to yourself. That’s why we call it “practicing” self-compassion. It takes time, effort, and patience to learn to approach your shortcomings with curiosity instead of criticism.
Fortunately, with a little practice, you can begin to challenge your negative thoughts and honor your innate strengths. As you explore this process, try to speak to yourself as you would a trusted friend. And if you’re still struggling to have self-compassion, talking to a mental health professional can help.
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References
American Psychological Association Dictionary of Psychology. (n.d.). Self-compassion.
Bates, G. W., et al. (2021). Self-compassion and emotional regulation as predictors of social anxiety. Psychology and Psychotherapy.
Breines, J. G., et al. (2012). Self-compassion increases self-improvement motivation. Personality and Social Psychology Bulletin.
Homan, K. J. (2017). Self-compassion and physical health: Exploring the roles of perceived stress and health-promoting behaviors. Health Psychology Open.
Krieger, T., et al. (2013). Self-compassion in depression: Associations with depressive symptoms, rumination, and avoidance in depressed outpatients. Behavior Therapy.
Lathren, C. R., et al. (2021). Self-compassion and current close interpersonal relationships: A scoping literature review. Mindfulness.
Macbeth, A., et al. (2012). Exploring compassion: A meta-analysis of the association between self-compassion and psychopathology. Clinical Psychology Review.
National Health Service. (n.d.). Reframing unhelpful thoughts.
Neff, K. D., et al. (2010). Self-compassion and psychological resilience among adolescents and young adults. Self and Identity.
Neff, K. D., et al. (2012). A pilot study and randomized controlled trial of the mindful self-compassion program. Journal of Clinical Psychology.
Neff, K. D., et al. (2015). Self-compassion: What it is, what it does, and how it relates to mindfulness. Handbook of Mindfulness and Self-Regulation.
Self-Compassion, Kristin Neff. (n.d.). Self-compassion guided practices and exercises
Sirois, F. M., et al. (2014). Self-Compassion, stress, and coping in the context of chronic illness. Self and Identity.
Thompson, B. L., et al. (2008). Self-compassion and PTSD symptom severity. Journal of Traumatic Stress.
Wren, A. A., et al. (2012). Self-compassion in patients with persistent musculoskeletal pain: Relationship of self-compassion to adjustment to persistent pain. Journal of Pain and Symptom Management.
Zeng, X., et al. (2015). The effect of loving-kindness meditation on positive emotions: A meta-analytic review. Frontiers in Psychology.
For additional resources or to connect with mental health services in your area, call SAMHSA’s National Helpline at 1-800-662-4357. For immediate assistance, call the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 988, or text HOME to 741-741 to reach the Crisis Text Line.
