How to Stop Negative Self-Talk and Be Kinder to Yourself
Key takeaways:
Negative self-talk is statements we tell ourselves that make us feel bad.
You can stop negative self-talk by confronting your thoughts head on and coming up with neutral or positive alternatives.
You can also take a mindfulness-based approach by noticing your thoughts and letting them go.
Table of contents
Self-talk is the way that each of us speaks to ourselves. Our self-talk can be positive, negative, or somewhere in between.
Negative self-talk happens when we get wrapped up in negative thoughts about ourselves, other people, and situations. It is also referred to as an inner critic or negative internal dialogue.
Negative self-talk can be very difficult to stop. You may even tell yourself that it’s impossible.
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The truth is, we can change the way we interact with our thoughts. But, like anything, it takes practice. We’ll introduce you to some of the most effective ways to stop your negative self-talk.
How to stop negative self-talk
Changing the tone of your self-talk can take several forms. You can take an active approach by changing your negative thoughts into positive ones. You can also choose to accept your negative thoughts without engaging with them.
1. Challenge your thoughts
Negative self-talk often contains cognitive distortions. Challenging your thoughts is a skill that can help you notice cognitive distortions and replace them with more helpful thought patterns.
The first step involves noticing that you’re engaging in negative self-talk. From there, you can ask yourself several questions with the goal of being curious and considering other explanations for your thinking.
If possible, take several minutes to think about each question and write down your answers:
What is the evidence that my thought is true?
What is the evidence that my thought is false?
Are there other possible explanations or outcomes?
What’s another way of thinking about this?
Will this be important several years from now?
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Finally, you want to construct a new thought. Your new thought should be more flexible, rational, and result in more positive feelings. It’s helpful if it’s also a thought that you can emotionally buy into; you don’t want your alternative thought to seem unrealistic.
For example, maybe your original thought was, “I’m such an idiot for messing up that interview.” After going through the process above, you might end up with, “I wish I had done better on the interview, but everyone makes mistakes. I’ll set aside extra time next time to make sure that I’m better prepared.”
2. Talk to yourself as you would a friend
Often, we would never say the things we say to ourselves to a friend or family member. We’re more likely to have empathy and compassion when it comes to others.
To try this exercise, imagine that a friend is sharing the same thoughts and feelings with you. Next, consider what you would say to this person. You might point out their faulty thinking while expressing kindness and understanding. Now, imagine saying these things to yourself.
Do this exercise again and again to work on enhancing your own self-compassion and putting a stop to negative self-talk.
3. Try positive self affirmations
Affirmations can be any positive statements that highlight your strengths or potential.
Examples of positive affirmations are:
“I am a loving family member and friend.”
“I am resilient.”
“It’s OK to make mistakes. They help me learn.”
“I am becoming a better version of myself each day.”
“I can cope with difficult feelings.”
You can repeat these affirmations to yourself several times a day. You can also start a daily practice where you repeat your affirmations in the morning and evening before bedtime. Some people will even set a reminder on their phones to repeat their affirmations throughout the day.
4. Practice mindfulness
Mindfulness is the act of tuning into the present moment. When you’re mindful, you accept your thoughts, feelings, and physical sensations without trying to change them. One study found that mindfulness was linked to less negative self-talk.
It is quite a different approach from some of the tools described above. However, mindfulness can be a nice complement to your efforts to stop and change negative thoughts.
You can practice mindfulness in several ways. There are meditation apps and free videos online to get you started.
You can also find some quiet time to focus on an anchor, like your breathing, a calming phrase, or one of your five senses. When you do this, thoughts will inevitably come up. This is completely normal. Simply notice them and return your attention to your anchor.
Some forms of therapy, such as mindfulness-based cognitive therapy and dialectical behavior therapy, teach mindfulness skills. Seeking out a therapist who is trained in mindfulness is one way to learn.
5. Use metaphor and imagery
If you’re having trouble challenging your thoughts, metaphors and imagery may be effective for coping with negative self-talk. Imagery can help you notice negative thoughts and release them. Rather than fighting against them, you let go, which actually helps loosen their grip on you.
Imagining your thoughts as clouds in the sky is a powerful image for letting go of your thoughts. Picture yourself lying in a grassy field and looking up at a bright blue sky. Visualize the negative thoughts in your head as clouds. As a thought comes up, let the cloud pass by. Don’t resist it. Instead, simply let it go. When another thought pops up, do the same. Continue this practice for as long as you need to.
You can also think of negative thoughts as backseat drivers who are trying to get your attention. You don’t have to kick them out of the car. Instead, you can ignore them and focus on something else. You can also ask them to give you a little bit of space.
What are some examples of negative self-talk?
Each person has their own version of negative self-talk. Examples are:
“If I don’t get that promotion, then I’m a complete failure.”
“That person who complimented me was probably just being nice.”
“I can’t believe I made a mistake at work. I’ll never succeed.”
“Nice people always finish last. It doesn’t matter how hard I try.”
In each example, the self-talk triggers uncomfortable emotions, such as sadness, anxiety, or hopelessness.
At the root of most negative self-talk are cognitive distortions, which are negative thought patterns. There are many different cognitive distortions. But some of the most common ones are:
All-or-nothing thinking: Thinking in black-or-white terms without allowing for any gray area
Mental filtering: Focusing only on the negative aspects of a situation and discounting any positive aspects
Catastrophizing: Jumping to the worst-case scenario, even if it’s unlikely
Why do we engage in negative self-talk?
Experts believe that we engage in negative self-talk due to the negativity bias. According to the negativity bias, humans evolved to pay closer attention to negative rather than positive information.
In ancestral times, our survival depended on avoiding predators. This meant that we had to be hyper-focused on anything potentially dangerous. Even though we live in very different times today, the negativity bias has stayed with us.
Though negative self-talk is deeply ingrained, we do not have to be a victim to it. We can learn how to identify and change our negative self-talk. This is important, because your self-talk is linked to your mental health.
If you’re thinking negative thoughts all the time, then you’re going to feel bad. Similarly, if you’re able to limit negative self-talk, then you will feel better.
The bottom line
Everyone has negative self-talk at times. Though it can feel hard to control, there are things you can do to help stop your negative thoughts.
One way to approach negative self-talk is actively changing your thoughts. You can do this by challenging your thoughts, speaking to yourself like a friend, and repeating positive affirmations.
Another approach is through mindfulness. This approach involves recognizing your thoughts without resisting them, which reduces their power over you.
Remember that changing negative self-talk is an ongoing process. Focus on progress, not perfection.
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References
Ferguson, A., et al. (2021). Mindfulness-based cognitive therapy. APA PsycNet.
Grzybowski, J., et al. (2022). Trait mindfulness, self-compassion, and self-talk: A correlational analysis of young adults. Behavioral Sciences.
Hanson, R. (n.d.). Taking in the good vs. the negativity bias. San Francisco State University.
HealthDirect. (2022). Self-talk.
Lavigna, L. (2019). The dangers of negative thinking and how to master positive self-talk. Excelsior University.
Therapist Aid. (n.d.). Challenging negative thoughts.
U.S. Department of Veterans Affairs. (n.d.). Emotional health & well-being.
For additional resources or to connect with mental health services in your area, call SAMHSA’s National Helpline at 1-800-662-4357. For immediate assistance, call the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 988, or text HOME to 741-741 to reach the Crisis Text Line.
