6 Ways to Combat Self-Loathing and Stop Hating Yourself
Key takeaways:
Self-loathing is a pattern of persistent negative thoughts about yourself. It can cause you to feel like you’re unlovable or unworthy of happiness.
Self-loathing has been tied to mental health concerns like depression. But it can also be caused by adverse childhood experiences and other traumas.
With the right support, you can learn to quiet self-criticism and practice self-compassion.
Everyone has negative thoughts about themselves from time to time. Sometimes, these thoughts can serve a positive purpose, shedding a light on parts of ourselves we may want to work on. These thoughts can show that we’re self-aware enough to acknowledge that we aren’t perfect and can motivate us to improve.
But chronic self-loathing goes beyond the occasional self-criticism. It represents a pattern of thinking that leaves a person feeling unworthy and unlovable.
You might be struggling with self-loathing if you’ve ever said something to yourself like:
“I just can’t do anything right.”
“I’m no use to anyone.”
“People would be better off without me.”
“I’m an embarrassment.”
“I’ll never be good enough.”
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Left unchecked, these thoughts can create a harmful inner dialogue that may need professional help to overcome.
How to stop self-loathing
Painful self-hating sentiments can take a damaging toll on your well-being. But if you struggle with self-loathing, there are some things you can do to regain control of your thoughts.
1. Practice self-compassion
Self-compassion is the practice of showing care and understanding toward yourself, even when things don’t go as you hope. Self-compassion can help combat negative thoughts about yourself. It can also help you have more self-compassion for the part of yourself that is so harsh.
When negative thoughts arise, try speaking to yourself as you would your child or a friend. For example, imagine a child came home from school and said something like, “I’m so stupid, I won’t ever pass that test!” Most likely you’d respond with understanding, kindness, and compassion.
Consider what it would be like to channel similar feelings toward yourself.
For example, avoid responding to a tough day at work with, “I can’t do anything right.” Instead, try saying something to yourself like, “Today was rough. But I’m proud of how I handled it, and I can do better tomorrow.”
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Also, look for ways to add mindfulness practices into your day as a way to boost your self-compassion.
2. Fact-check your thoughts
When you have negative thoughts about yourself, pause to consider what they’re tied to. See if you can challenge critical thoughts by exploring the feelings underneath the thought. Sometimes, simply recalling some real-life examples that challenge your negative thoughts can combat self-hatred.
Let’s look at a negative statement like, “Nothing ever goes my way.” Ask yourself, “Is it really true that nothing ever goes my way?” It’s likely you can recall some times when this wasn’t the case.
Remember that while the statement might not be technically true, your feelings are still valid.
3. Explore the purpose behind your self-loathing
For some people, self-loathing stems from a desire to avoid thinking about negative childhood experiences or past traumas. In a sense, it becomes “easier” to focus on what’s “wrong” with them instead of considering the root cause of their pain.
If this feels relevant to you, know that in this context, your self-loathing makes sense. It represents you trying to create a buffer of safety between yourself and hurtful parts of your past or present.
Recognizing when this is happening is an important step in the healing process. But you don’t have to go through it alone. A mental health professional can help you safely process painful memories from your past. By addressing your past experiences in therapy, you may find your self-hatred starts to go away.
If you’re unable to look for mental health services at this time, try writing about your thoughts and feelings through therapeutic journaling.
4. Practice self-soothing
Self-soothing is a way of taking care of yourself that brings yourself comfort. It can help your brain combat difficult emotions — like shame — that often accompany self-loathing.
Here are some ideas you can try:
Take a quiet walk in the woods to stretch your legs and focus on the peaceful environment.
Take a bubble bath or savor a warm mug of your favorite tea.
Cuddle up under a weighted blanket.
Do some gentle stretches to relieve tension in your body.
Play some calming music or listen to a favorite playlist.
5. Find support
If self-loathing has taken a toll on your well-being, surrounding yourself with support can help. Spend time with friends and family who support your desire to nurture your mental health and try to broaden your social network.
Think about your hobbies and passions and look for opportunities to spend time with other people who share your interests. Depending on what you enjoy, this could be through a club, volunteer group, or religious institution.
Spending quality time with others can improve your health and help you feel less alone. With the right support, you can learn to rewrite your inner dialogue and speak to yourself with more kindness and compassion.
6. Have patience
Many times, self-loathing has its roots in the past. Children who grow up without a sense of safety, affirmation, and unconditional love from caregivers often become adults who view themselves as unlovable.
If this was your experience, know that it was not your fault. You did not cause the dynamics that led to your self-criticism today.
So as you begin to explore the parts of your story that created these damaging thoughts, remember that healing won’t happen overnight. It will take time and lots of practice to see yourself in a new, more compassionate light.
Effects of self-hatred
Self-loathing on its own is not a mental health condition. But it is commonly associated with major depression. Left untreated, this condition can lead to:
Feelings of sadness and hopelessness
Chronic fatigue and low energy
Sleep problems (either sleeping too much or not enough)
Feeling restless, anxious, or irritable
Feelings of worthlessness or guilt
Fluctuations in appetite that could lead to weight loss or gain
Slower than usual thinking, moving, or talking
Trouble making decisions
Poor concentration
Forgetfulness
Unexplained physical aches and pains
Digestive problems
When should I talk to somebody about my feelings of self-hatred?
Everyone experiences negative thoughts about themselves sometimes. But if your feelings of self-hatred persist for over 2 weeks without relief and you’re experiencing any of the following, it might be time to get professional help:
Trouble performing responsibilities at home, work, or school
Sleep problems
Appetite changes
Trouble getting out of bed
Changes in appetite
Trouble concentrating
Loss of interest in activities you used to enjoy
If you you’re having thoughts of self-harm or suicide, reach out to the national suicide and crisis helpline by dialing 988 from any phone. This free, confidential service can help make sure you stay safe and connect you with mental health resources.
The bottom line
Everyone has parts of themselves they wish they could change. But self-loathing goes beyond the occasional self-critical thought. Whether caused by a mental health concern like depression, childhood neglect, or trauma, self-loathing can erode your well-being if left untreated.
But with some time and support, you can fight self-loathing and see yourself in a more positive light. You can start your journey by practicing self-compassion, working to reframe negative thoughts, and using self-soothing techniques.
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References
Aguirre, B. (2021). Overcoming self-loathing. McLean Hospital.
American Psychological Association. (n.d.). Self-compassion.
Banaj, N., et al. (2020). Childhood trauma and stigma. Childhood Trauma in Mental Disorders.
Bjorlykhaug, K. I., et al. (2022). Social support and recovery from mental health problems: A scoping review. Nordic Social Work Research.
Fisher, J. (2016). Shame and self-loathing in the treatment of trauma. Jack Hirose Seminars, Vancouver.
Gatchpaszian, A. (n.d.). Self-loathing: Definition, signs, & how to stop. Berkeley Well-Being Institute.
Holt-Lunstad, J., et al. (2022). Social isolation: An underappreciated determinant of physical health. Current Opinion in Psychology.
Mirgain, S. A., et al. (2023). Therapeutic journaling. VA Office of Patient Centered Care and Cultural Transformation.
National Institute of Mental Health. (n.d.). My mental Health: Do I need help?
Nilsson, M., et al. (2022). Childhood maltreatment and self-hatred as distinguishing characteristics of psychiatric patients with self-harm: A comparison with clinical and healthy controls. Clinical Psychology & Psychotherapy.
Pulcu, E., et al. (2013). The role of self-blaming moral emotions in major depression and their impact on social-economical decision making. Frontiers in Psychology.
Rockman, P., et al. (2015). Self-compassion and mindfulness. The Centre for Mindfulness Studies.
Turnell, A. I., et al. (2019). The self-hate scale: Development and validation of a brief measure and its relationship to suicidal ideation. Journal of Affective Disorders.
Wright, J. (2013). Self-soothing — a recursive intrapsychic and relational process: The contribution of the bowen theory to the process of self-soothing. Australian & New Zealand Journal of Family Therapy.
For additional resources or to connect with mental health services in your area, call SAMHSA’s National Helpline at 1-800-662-4357. For immediate assistance, call the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 988, or text HOME to 741-741 to reach the Crisis Text Line.
