Is It Normal to Grieve Over Your Past? Yes, and Here’s What You Can Do About It

Grief is a physical and emotional reaction to a loss. The experience of grief is unique to each person, but can include sadness, anger, yearning, and rumination. Grief can result from any type of loss, such as the death of a loved one, ending of a relationship, or loss of a job.

You can also experience grief for your past. There are many reasons why this may happen. If you find yourself thinking about your past often and wishing you could go back, you’re not alone.

Is it possible to grieve your past?

Yes. Grief is typically thought of as resulting from the death of a loved one. But many mental health professionals agree that you can grieve more than just the loss of a person.

Grieving your past means that you’re experiencing the passage of time as a loss. It’s similar to nostalgia, which is a longing for the past. Nostalgia isn’t necessarily negative. In fact studies have found that it’s associated with greater meaning in life, self-esteem, and optimism. It’s possible to feel nostalgic for the past but also appreciate the present. 

But when a person becomes consumed with the past, then it can become unhealthy. People who grieve the past may long to go back in time but get stuck there. This can arouse feelings of sadness, anger, and yearning. They may be unable to find appreciation or meaning in their current circumstances. They’re so focused on the past that they’re not truly living in the present.

Why do people grieve the past?

There are many reasons you could be holding onto your past. Perhaps you’re mourning:

• Your childhood

• A specific time in your life, like high school or when you met your spouse

• A relationship that’s no longer in your life

• Someone you care about who has changed in some way

• A time when your children were little

• The person you were in the past

• Certain abilities, good health, or wellness

Every person has their own experience of the past. There are countless events or experiences that you could be mourning. When you dig deeper, you may realize that underneath it all is a belief that the past was better in some way than the present. That’s what keeps you stuck and wishing you could go back. 

We all lack the ability to turn back time. As much as you may miss a part of your past or wish you could change it, you cannot. Keep reading to learn about how you can stop grieving the past and move forward.

How do I know if I’m grieving my past?

It depends. After all, there’s no right or wrong way to grieve. But if you’re feeling stuck in your past, or having trouble accepting your current circumstances, then you may be experiencing a form of grief. 

Other signs that you may be grieving your past include:

• Feeling sad often

• Frequent crying

• Irritability

• Changes in appetite

• Changes in sleeping patterns

• Isolating from other people

• Constantly thinking about your past

• Difficulty concentrating on other things

• Wanting to talk about the past over and over again

How long does it take to recover from grief?

Most of the time, grief will get better as time goes on. Many people recover from grief within a year, but it’s different for everyone. And keep in mind: Grief isn’t a linear process. You may experience better days or weeks, only for the feelings to come back again.

Though most people fully recover from grief, a few people will have a more severe, long-lasting type of grief called prolonged grief. Rather than feeling better over time, a person with prolonged grief remains the same or even feels worse. And with prolonged grief, the symptoms are severe enough that they cause problems in your day-to-day life. 

If you’re experiencing prolonged grief, it’s important to seek professional help — especially since it can put you at risk for depression and other health problems. 

How can you stop grieving the past?

Accepting the past is a process that takes time. Nearly everyone experiences some amount of grief over the past. 

When it comes to coping with grief, the goal isn’t to forget the past. Rather, it’s to work toward accepting and appreciating what once was, while also accepting and appreciating the present moment. This is how you live mindfully.

There are many different ways of dealing with grief. Radical acceptance is one approach that can help. It’s a technique from dialectical behavior therapy (DBT) that involves accepting a person or situation exactly as they are without judgment. It can help you accept the past exactly as it was, and move forward.

To practice radical acceptance of the past, here’s an exercise to try. If it’s helpful, you can write down your thoughts. 

1. Identify an event in the past

Take some time to reflect on an event in the past that you feel stuck on. It could be something that you regret, a time when you felt hurt by another person, a loss, or any other event that you’re having a hard time accepting.

2. Reflect on what caused the event

Think about what caused or contributed to the event happening. Try to stick to the facts and avoid making judgements. For example, if you’re grieving for a relationship that ended, you may note that your partner was unfaithful or you weren’t ready for commitment. Be careful not to label these as good or bad. Just simply note them.

3. Observe and accept your feelings

Observe what emotions come up as you think about what happened. Do you feel angry, sad, anxious, or ashamed? Now consider where you feel these emotions in your body. Are there certain bodily sensations or changes that you experience? Finally, give yourself permission to accept your emotions and physical sensations fully.

4. Develop a plan

The final step involves coming up with a plan to help yourself improve or accept the situation. This plan should focus on what you can do to either improve the situation, or change how you feel about it. 

In the example of a relationship ending, your plan could involve writing an unsent letter to the person who hurt you. Your action plan could also include going to therapy, or connecting with friends or family members who can support you.

When to talk to a professional

If you’re having trouble coping with your grief on your own, therapy can help. Therapy can offer a safe space to talk about your thoughts and feelings and receive nonjudgemental feedback from a trained therapist. Depending on the specific type of therapy, it can help you understand why you’re getting stuck on your past and learn ways to accept the past and move forward.

To find a therapist, you can:

• Conduct an online search in your area.

• Use a therapist directory.

• Contact your health insurance company for a list of in-network mental health professionals.

• Ask your healthcare professional for a referral.

• Call the National Helpline of the Substance Abuse and Mental Health Services Administration (SAMHSA) at 1-800-662-HELP (4357).

• Search SAMHSA’s online directory of treatment facilities and mental health professionals.

The following organizations also offer further mental health resources and support:

• National Institute of Mental Health

• National Alliance on Mental Illness

• SAMHSA

• American Psychological Association

Why trust our experts?

Written by:

Emily Guarnotta, PsyD

Emily Guarnotta, PsyD, is a licensed clinical psychologist and certified perinatal mental health professional with over 10 years of clinical experience.

Edited by:

Renée Fabian, MA

Renée Fabian is the senior pet health editor at GoodRx. She’s worked for nearly 10 years as a journalist and editor across a wide range of health and well-being topics.

Reviewed by:

India B. Gomez, PhD

India B. Gomez, PhD, is a licensed clinical psychologist with a certificate in Latin American Family Therapy. She completed her doctoral education at the California School of Professional Psychology/Alliant International University.

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