How to Use DEAR MAN in DBT to Ask for What You Need in Relationships

It’s not always easy to know the best way to ask for what you need in relationships. Luckily, dialectical behavior therapy (DBT) provides a number of skills to help you do this effectively.  

DBT is an evidence-based therapy that can help treat a variety of mental health conditions. It is a skills-based approach that helps you learn:

• Mindfulness

• Emotional regulation

• Distress tolerance

• Interpersonal effectiveness 

DEAR MAN is an interpersonal effectiveness skill that you can use to improve your communication in relationships. 

What is the DEAR MAN skill in dialectical behavioral therapy?

DEAR MAN helps you effectively ask for what you need or want from other people. The acronym DEAR helps you remember what to say:

MAN is an acronym that helps you remember how to approach your request:

Taken together, DEAR MAN helps you remember steps to follow when addressing a problem or making a request of another person. Either on your own or with the help of a therapist, you can review each step, brainstorm how to implement it, and practice. This will prepare you to use it during an interpersonal interaction.

The DEAR MAN exercise works by teaching a person assertiveness skills. Assertiveness is the act of expressing your thoughts and feelings directly, while maintaining respect for the other person. DEAR MAN helps you achieve this goal. 

How do I use DEAR MAN?

DEAR MAN involves following the steps below. 

Your therapist may give you a worksheet and help you brainstorm how to apply these steps to a specific interpersonal interaction. You can also role-play this exercise on your own or with a therapist.

D: Describe

The first part of DEAR MAN involves describing the situation you’d like to address with the other person. You should stick to the facts and avoid adding any opinions or feelings. 

For example, perhaps your partner hasn’t been keeping up with their responsibilities at home, resulting in more stress on you. You’d like to ask them to contribute more to household chores. So you might say, “I’ve noticed that the dishes weren’t done the past 3 days when I came home.” Here you stay away from accusations and blame, and instead simply state the problem.

E: Express

Next, express how you feel about the situation. Try to stick to “I” instead of “you” statements. Using the example above, you could say, “I feel exhausted by the time I get home and then frustrated when I see the dirty dishes piled up in the sink.”

A: Assert

Now assert or ask for what you want or don’t want from the person. Don’t expect that the other person can read your mind. Be direct and avoid beating around the bush. For example, you could say, “I would really like for you to have the dishes done by dinnertime.”

R: Reinforce

Reinforcement involves providing a reward or incentive for the person if they comply with your request. This can be done both when making the request and again when the person takes action. 

In the example we’re using, you might say, “I would be happy to do the dishes after dinner if you do them before dinner.” You can then give them a “thank you” or another form of praise after they have fulfilled the request.

M: Mindfully focus

While the first four steps focus on what you can say, the remaining describe how to approach the interaction. It is important to be mindful by staying focused on your goals and avoiding distractions. If the other person responds with an attack, try to remain calm and state your needs again.

A: Appear confident

Appear confident while you make your request. You can do this through your posture, tone of voice, and overall demeanor. Try to stand up tall, use a firm but respectful tone, and make eye contact if that feels comfortable. Practicing in front of a mirror or with another person, like your therapist, can help you appear more confident.

N: Negotiate

The final part of DEAR MAN involves being willing to negotiate. Flexibility is an important part of relationships. 

Your partner might assert that they do not have time to do the dishes before you get home. But maybe they will make a commitment to have them done within an hour of that time. Try to work together to find a solution that feels fair for all parties involved. 

Remember that in order to get something from another person, you may have to be willing to give. But if your DEAR MAN goal is to tell someone no, it’s also OK not to negotiate.  

How effective is DEAR MAN?

DEAR MAN and other interpersonal effectiveness techniques from DBT can help with a variety of mental health symptoms and conditions. Studies on interpersonal effectiveness techniques like DEAR MAN have shown positive results:

• A study of teens participating in a 7-week DBT program found that participation in the program was associated with lower depression and anxiety. Interpersonal effectiveness and emotion regulation were a significant factor in reducing anxiety levels.

• Another study had teens participate in a year-long DBT program. It assessed participants on interpersonal effectiveness and distress tolerance periodically. The researchers found that participants in the study showed improvements in both areas.

• A study had nurses participate in a 3-hour DBT-based interpersonal effectiveness workshop. The results showed that participants improved their interpersonal coping and professional fulfillment. They also showed decreases in unhelpful coping methods.

DBT in general has also been found to be effective for the following conditions and symptoms:

• Borderline personality disorder (BPD)

• Eating disorders

• Substance use disorders

• Problematic gambling

• Depression

• Self-harming behaviors 

• Suicidal behavior

In some cases, however, DEAR MAN may not be helpful. If you are in an abusive relationship or domestic violence situation, you may want to consider seeking outside help. Call the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 1-800-799-7233.

Should I talk to my therapist about DEAR MAN?

If you are working with a DBT therapist, they have probably already introduced you to DEAR MAN or plan to in the near future. DEAR MAN can be especially helpful for anyone who is experiencing conflict in their relationships and having difficulty communicating.

If your DBT therapist has not already talked to you about DEAR MAN, you may want to bring it up as an exercise that you would like to try. They may agree to review it with you or they may ask that you wait until you reach that point in your therapy. 

If you are working with a therapist who does not practice DBT, then it’s likely that DEAR MAN may not come up at all. But in some cases your therapist may teach you other assertiveness skills that are similar to DEAR MAN. 

Don’t hesitate to bring up your desire to learn more about this exercise, though. Your provider will hopefully be open to talking to you about DEAR MAN and how you can use it to improve your relationships. They can also offer tips and feedback to help you succeed.

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Written by:

Emily Guarnotta, PsyD

Emily Guarnotta, PsyD, is a licensed clinical psychologist and certified perinatal mental health professional with over 10 years of clinical experience.

Edited by:

Renée Fabian, MA

Renée Fabian is the senior pet health editor at GoodRx. She’s worked for nearly 10 years as a journalist and editor across a wide range of health and well-being topics.

Reviewed by:

India B. Gomez, PhD

India B. Gomez, PhD, is a licensed clinical psychologist with a certificate in Latin American Family Therapy. She completed her doctoral education at the California School of Professional Psychology/Alliant International University.

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