Key takeaways:
Families and friends of incarcerated individuals face tremendous stress and stigma. They often feel unsupported and alone.
There are many coping strategies to help manage the strain of incarceration. One important thing to remember is that you shouldn’t live as though you’re also doing time.
Support groups for families and friends offer a safe place to speak freely about your situation without fear of judgment.
If you have a loved one behind bars, it may feel like you’re all alone, but you’re not. Half of American adults have had an immediate family member incarcerated at one time or another. The emotional, physical, and financial impact of having a loved one in prison can be devastating.
While it’s normal to feel overwhelmed, it’s important to get grounded again. Coping strategies like finding safe people to talk to and setting boundaries can pave the way toward restabilizing your life and your family.
Coping tips for families dealing with incarceration
If your loved one’s incarceration is causing extra stress, these coping strategies may help. They come to us from people who have been impacted by incarceration.
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1. Find support with safe people
“You can try talking to friends and family, but they may not understand what you’re going through, and you may end up feeling alone,” says Julia Lazareck, co-founder and president of Prison Families Alliance.
Her brother was incarcerated for 15 years and died in prison. “Get support from people who understand the impact of incarceration,” she suggests.
2. Take care of yourself
Practice healthy habits such as eating well, exercising, and maintaining a consistent sleep schedule. “Limit alcohol use or any behavior that numbs your emotions,” Lazareck advises.
3. Keep doing things you love
Do things you enjoy doing, even when you don’t feel like it. “‘Fake it till you make it’ and you will eventually get your joy back,” says Lazareck.
4. Don’t do their time
Your life doesn’t have to revolve around your loved one’s incarceration. Tina Marie, whose son was formerly incarcerated, says she didn’t celebrate birthdays or holidays for three years while he was in prison.
“Looking back now, not only did I rob myself of that joy, I hurt my best friends who stuck by me through thick and thin,” says Tina Marie, who runs the Facebook group Inmate Support of Georgia. “Any one of those moments or holidays could have been my last, and I wasted all of them.”
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5. Learn to forgive
Start by forgiving yourself. Remember that your loved one’s behavior was their choice, not yours. In some cases, it may be helpful to work on forgiving your loved one as well.
6. Visit your healthcare provider
Nancy Fisher, who has an incarcerated son, says she had panic attacks that felt like heart attacks when her son first went to prison.
“You are going to feel a lot of emotions that will set you on many paths you can't even fathom,” says Fisher. “Talk to your healthcare professional so they’re aware of your life’s circumstances and can treat these problems accordingly.”
Fisher adds that your provider can help with medications and other treatments for issues like:
Anxiety
Weight changes
Sleep problems
Excessive crying
Blood pressure
Stress
Headaches
7. Make a plan for telling others
It may be helpful to tell people outside your family what’s going on. Have a conversation about how to handle this early in the process. “Every family has to decide what’s best for them,” says Laure Clemons, founder and executive director of Extended Family, an organization that teaches families of people on the inside how to adjust.
“Sit down together and ask, ‘How are we going to talk about this?’” For instance, she asked her daughters, who were 12 and 16 years old at the time of their dad’s incarceration, if she could tell their teachers. “They said yes, and we ended up having a huge amount of support,” she says.
8. Find at least one person to tell
Turn to a trusted friend, a clergyman, or a therapist. “Keeping it inside is just too hard,” says Clemons. “The people who truly care about you aren’t going to shut you out. Pretending it’s not happening and never talking about it is harmful.”
9. Plug into a faith-based community
“There are many groups in the church that may have some good coping insights,” says Fisher. “It's surprising how many people are compassionate when they understand that you're wounded.”
10. Stay connected to family
Some families get so caught up in the life of their incarcerated loved one that they neglect the needs of other relatives and friends. Make it a point to maintain connection with important people in your life.
11. Find a new hobby
Start an activity you’ve always wanted to do but have never tried. Join an exercise class, practice meditation, or take up painting or gardening.
“I recommend working with your hands to keep your mind busy,” says Fisher.
12. Engage with your incarcerated loved one
Depending on your situation and the relationship you have with your loved one, there are various ways you can stay engaged with them. You can read and discuss books together or share family photos. If you are able to, accept their phone calls and visit them regularly. However, keep in mind that you are not obligated to stay in touch.
13. Set boundaries
Work together with your loved one to decide how often they can call and how often you can visit. Also discuss how much money you can send. “Make sure everyone is included in the choices that are being made and understand what the family can afford,” says Lazareck.
14. Seek community resources
Incarceration can take a financial toll on families. Local agencies may be able to help you get back on your feet. Depending on your needs, you may find organizations that can help with food, temporary housing, or mental health support.
15. Get involved
Find ways to get involved with advocacy in your state or at the federal level. Organizations such as the Sentencing Project and Impact Justice focus on improving prison conditions and changing unfair sentencing laws.
Or you might be able to volunteer at a local jail or prison by contacting the facility’s chaplain or warden. You may find this kind of work rewarding and healing. Just know that you won’t be able to volunteer at your loved one’s facility.
Strategies to navigate the prison system
The prison system can be both scary and frustrating. Lazareck, who wrote a book called “Prison: The Hidden Sentence” and hosts a podcast by the same name, offers these tips:
Understand that county jails, state correctional facilities, and federal prisons all have different rules. And rules can also be interpreted differently at different facilities.
When your loved one gets transferred from the county jail to a prison, they may not be able to contact you right away. It takes time for them to be processed into the system. You will hear from them when they get settled into a facility.
Once you hear from your loved one, have them sign a HIPAA form and other legal documents, such as a power of attorney (POA). This enables the facility to share information with you about your incarcerated loved one.
Fill out visitation forms and make sure you’ve been approved before you schedule a visit. It can take weeks or even months to get approved. Check the facility’s visitation hours and arrive early.
Learn the prison’s rules about visitation. “Start by understanding that visitation is a privilege, not a right,” says Lazareck. “Your loved one is a ward of that facility, and you have no rights to them.”
Find out how much money you can bring and what form it needs to be in. Some facilities will tell you to bring a plastic bag of quarters, while others only allow prison-issued debit cards.
Ask about the visitor dress code and always bring a change of clothes. A correctional officer (CO) may allow you to wear something one week that another CO rejects the following week.
Find out what else you can bring into the facility and what you are required to bring, such as a state-issued ID. Know that you won’t be allowed to bring in cell phones, smart watches, cigarettes, vaping devices, or any illegal substances. You may be given access to a locker where you can store your personal items, but you may have to pay for the locker.
Books and other resources can help you learn more about prison culture. For example, a “lockdown” is when people in a prison are restricted to their cells or dorms. “Segregation” and “in the hole” are current terms for solitary confinement.
Find out how to deposit money into your loved one’s commissary account. Also, check the rules for sending mail, greeting cards, and books.
Be careful not to send your loved one too much money. People behind bars and their families can become targets for extortion or blackmail.
Know who to contact at the prison. “Calling and being an advocate for your loved one can be touchy, so do so with caution,” says Fisher. “My husband is good with people and has a great way to get people to respond to our concerns. He's contacted the correct person in charge of classes, medical care, and sometimes the assistant warden for things we've encountered.”
Learn who to contact on the outside. Many departments of corrections have an ombudsman office to help handle disputes, or you may need to reach out to your state representatives. They can intervene if your loved one is having a difficult time. “Remember, inmates still have the right to humane treatment,” says Fisher.
Encourage your loved one to take advantage of programs at their facility. “Reentry starts on day one,” says Lazareck. “Anything incarcerated persons can do to improve themselves will help with the parole board and reentry into society.”
Support groups and resources for families
Support groups are often run by people who have or have had a loved one on the inside. They understand what you’re going through and can offer empathy and guidance.
Prison Families Alliance (PFA)
PFA hosts several online support groups every month. They have groups for families of incarcerated people with mental illnesses, those incarcerated for sex offenses, and those with long sentences. They also have groups for children and youth.
Assisting Families of Inmates (AFOI)
AFOI holds a virtual support group meeting for people with incarcerated family members on the second Wednesday of each month. Meetings are led by a social worker and a peer facilitator. AFOI also assists underserved families of incarcerated individuals with visitation and education issues.
Kairos Outside
Kairos Prison Ministry is a faith-based international organization that holds programs inside and outside prison. Kairos Outside is a free, two-and-a-half-day retreat specifically for women who have a spouse, relative, or friend behind bars. Anyone can attend, regardless of religious affiliation.
Essie Justice Group
This California-based organization has developed a program called Healing to Advocacy. The program brings women of incarcerated loved ones together to heal, bond, and work toward social change. To join, you must apply and go through a nomination process.
InterNational Prisoners Family Conference
Once a year, this organization brings families together to share their experiences and concerns and to learn from international experts on criminal justice.
Prison Fellowship
Prison Fellowship partners with local faith communities to provide resources for families, caregivers, and children. Their Angel Tree program collects Christmas presents for children of incarcerated parents.
Facebook groups
Facebook has many support groups for the family members of people behind bars. You can search for groups based in your state, groups with different religious affiliations, or general groups.
Here are some options to get you started:
Nonprofits within your state
Do a Google search using terms like “support group for families and friends of inmates or prisoners” and then add your state. You may find a group that serves your community.
For example, LEAF Ministry has several support groups throughout Ohio. And the Utah Prisoner Advocate Network meets the second Monday of every month via Zoom.
The bottom line
Incarceration can have devastating effects on the mental and physical health of families. Thankfully, there are things you can do to cope. Practice self-care and remember that your loved one’s sentence is not your sentence. Join a support group and talk to others who understand what you’re going through. Talk to a healthcare provider or a mental health professional if you have panic attacks regularly or struggle with depression. They may prescribe medication or therapy to help you adjust.
Why trust our experts?
References
Consumer Financial Protection Bureau. (2016). What is a power of attorney (POA)?
FWD.us. (2018). Every second.
