What Is Virginity and What Does Losing It Mean? The Answer Is Different for Everyone

You might have heard that a virgin is someone who has never had sex. And losing your virginity usually means having sex for the first time. But what does that really mean?

The idea of virginity is ancient. The word “virgin” has deep roots in our culture and history, and it shows up in everything from religious practices to fairy tales. It’s used to describe things that are untouched, like a virgin rainforest. But when we’re talking about sex, it may have different meanings.

There’s no strict definition of sex

To some people, the word “sex” means sexual intercourse — as in penis in vagina sex. This is limited to describing sex that people with male and female body parts can have together. But it’s pretty clear that this definition doesn’t quite capture the whole idea of sex or of being sexually active. Instead, it raises all kinds of questions. 

For example, would you call it sex if you had almost-sex, oral sex, or anal sex? What about sex using sex toys? Or internet sex? What if someone isn’t sure if they had sex? And, honestly, how long does sex have to last in order for it to count as sex?

That’s just the beginning. Some more examples include:

• Plenty of same-sex couples might say they’ve been sexually active together for years without ever having penis in vagina sex. 

• And what about people who were forced or coerced into having sex — should we call that sex, or should we call that something else? 

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The bottom line is, there isn’t a single definition of sex that we can all agree on. And if we’re all using different (or changing) definitions of sex, it’s hard to agree on whether someone has done it.

What is virginity?

In most contexts, virginity is a state of someone who has not had sex before. Even if we don’t agree on what, exactly, counts as sex, most people have some idea of what it means to be sexually active. And the fact remains that when you enter into a sexual relationship with someone, it’s still a big deal.

What physical changes happen to my body when I lose my virginity? 

Provided you don’t get pregnant or catch any sexually transmitted diseases (STDs), it’s possible your body won’t change much at all the first time you have sex. If you have a vagina, your hymen might tear. This sometimes happens when you have penetrating sex for the first time.

The hymen is a soft piece of tissue that partially covers the opening to the vagina in some people. It doesn’t completely cover the vaginal opening. If it did, you wouldn’t be able to get your period or use a tampon. 

If your hymen gets damaged because of sex, it could cause some bleeding. But not everyone is born with a hymen, and it doesn’t necessarily take a penis to tear it. If it does tear during sex, it could tear a little bit more when you have sex again in the future. And sometimes hymens tear for other reasons — like riding a bike or participating in sports. 

Does losing your virginity hurt?

For some people, it may be uncomfortable or painful when you lose your virginity with penis in vagina sex. Having sex for the first time may hurt because of many factors, like:

• Feeling nervous, causing muscle tension

• Stretching or tearing of the vaginal hymen

• Lack of lubrication

• Too much friction

When you’re ready to have sex, it’s important that you feel comfortable with your partner and are relaxed. It’s also a good idea to go slow and make sure there’s enough lubrication. The vagina will produce more lubrication when you’re fully aroused or you can always use a lubricant (lube).

Am I different after I lose my virginity?

Not really. But emotionally, you might feel different. If virginity and being a virgin — or not being a virgin — are important to you, you might experience some emotional changes the first time you have sex. 

Becoming sexually active often means getting emotionally close to another person. This can be wonderful, terrifying, or many things in between. Having a relationship break apart after having sex — especially if it was the first time you had sex — can be especially difficult, too. 

When you consider all those things, it’s clear the emotional changes that come with losing your virginity can be powerful. 

Can other people tell when I’ve lost my virginity?

No — not in a physical sense, anyway. But the emotional and social changes that come with becoming sexually active often lead people to act differently, so there’s a chance others could pick up on that. 

It’s sometimes possible for a medical professional to see the hymen during a gynecological exam. But having a torn or damaged hymen doesn’t prove you had sex. Other things can damage a hymen, and some people don’t have an intact hymen to start with.

Is there any way to get my virginity back?

Of course, you can’t go back in time to undo things you’ve already done. So, in that sense, the answer is no. But since the idea of virginity is vague, it’s possible that whether you can get your virginity back might depend on what virginity means to you.

For you, does virginity only apply to certain types of sex? Or is it more connected to the powerful impact of becoming intimately involved with a partner? And, honestly, does it even matter?

If you have regrets about sex, take control. If you’re still in a sexual relationship that you don’t like, take steps to end it. Having sex once or 100 times doesn’t mean you ever have to do it again. 

If you had sex in the past but wish you hadn’t, focus on the future. You might not be able to change things you’ve done, but you can decide to label it a learning experience and move forward. No one makes the right choices all the time, but you can decide to handle things differently from now on.

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Written by:

Kerry R. McGee, MD, FAAP

Kerry McGee, MD, FAAP, has over a decade of experience caring for babies, children, and teenagers as a primary care pediatrician. She has a special interest in adolescent health, particularly in adolescent mental health.

Edited by:

Karla Robinson, MD

Karla Robinson, MD, is a medical editor for GoodRx. She is a licensed, board-certified family physician with almost 20 years of experience in health through varied clinical, administrative, and educational roles.

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