How Do You Talk to Your Parent About Moving Into Assisted Living?

As they age, many people want to stay in their own homes as long as possible. With home-based care, some older people can safely stay in their homes. But there may come a time when that’s no longer a safe option. At that point, you may want to talk about moving your parent into assisted living.

According to the National Center for Assisted Living, more than 800,000 Americans reside in assisted living today. Yet talking with your parent about moving into assisted living will likely be an emotional conversation. 

Your parent may feel that they will lose their identity and freedom if they can’t live independently. So, try to approach the conversation with empathy and explain how assisted living can help them live more comfortably and securely. Here’s some additional guidance for navigating this subject. 

How to prepare for the conversation

Start thinking about assisted living long before your parent may need this option. This will allow you to understand the options well in advance. But, no matter when you decide to have the conversation, doing some preparation can help ensure a more positive experience for everyone involved.

Gather information

Talk with your parent about what their needs are. Research local assisted living communities in your area or wherever your parent lives. Take notes on costs, amenities, and levels of care. 

Gather input from your parent’s doctors, care team, and any caregivers. Talk to any siblings or other involved family members who may have additional information.

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Observe their daily routines 

Assess the areas in daily life where your parent seems to be struggling. Some questions to consider include:

• Are they having a hard time keeping up with housework? 

• Is it safe for them to use a stove? 

• Are they avoiding showers because they’re worried they might fall? 

• Are they getting dressed each day? Or are they avoiding it because it’s hard to put clothes on?

• Are they properly taking their medications? 

Understanding their unique needs will help you choose the right level of support.

Pick the right time 

Don't bring up the conversation about moving to assisted living when your parent is tired, stressed, or caught off guard. Plan to have the talk when you’re both rested and focused.

Gently pointing to specific areas where your parent is struggling can help make the need for assistance more obvious. Your parent may not even be aware that they’ve been avoiding doing certain daily tasks.

Decide who will take the lead 

There may be multiple family members who want to have a say in this decision. In that case, meet ahead of time without your parent. Get on the same page about how you’ll approach the conversation together. Take notes that include everyone's concerns and set an agenda. Decide who will be the main person to facilitate the discussion. If everyone is trying to get their point made at the same time, it could overwhelm your parent. 

Make it a process, not one talk

Don't expect to reach a final decision in just one discussion. Allow for a few conversations so your parent has time to process the idea. Be prepared to have a few follow-up talks.

Consider including a third party 

A trusted counselor, clergy member, or elder-care manager could help lead the talks. The goal would be to have someone your parent trusts present the options and not to make them feel pressured. 

When to discuss assisted living

The best time to have a conversation about when it’s time to leave home is before the decision needs to be made. You can even consider having the conversation long before your parent shows any signs of needing extra support. 

Polls suggest that 40% of discussions about moving to assisted living happen because of an unexpected event, such as a medical diagnosis or a fall. Ideally, conversations about assisted living take place before there’s an emergency need. 

But, the conversation can happen at any time you or your parent might be ready to consider a change. If you notice your parent needs more help at home or struggles to complete their daily activities, it may be time to discuss assisted living.

Dos and don’ts when talking about assisted living

Keeping in mind some dos and don'ts can help you to have a positive, constructive conversation.

Dos when talking about assisted living

Discussing the potential need for assisted living with an aging loved one can be an emotionally difficult conversation. So, as you begin to discuss the transition:

• Let your loved one know you want to talk and ask for their permission. This way they aren’t caught off guard.

• Have information prepared, so you can share long-term care options and look at them together.

• Listen to your parent’s needs and wants.

• Offer to take breaks if the conversation gets too intense.

• Use "I" statements, like "I'm concerned for your well-being."

• Suggest touring assisted living communities together.

• Remind them that you want what's best for their happiness.

• Be prepared to revisit the conversation several times.

Don’ts when talking about assisted living

The conversation about transitioning a loved one to assisted living requires care. The discussion should be sensitive to your loved one's feelings. With this in mind:

• Don't ambush your parent with your plans.

• Don’t argue or issue ultimatums.

• Don’t invalidate their feelings.

What if my parent rejects the idea? [Managing resistance]
Your parent may not immediately be open to the idea of moving to assisted living. It could be an idea that they have to get used to. That’s OK. Let them know that you can respect their wishes. Then, keep the communication about the idea going. Continue bringing up the topic and let them know you want to talk about it more. Follow up and don't let the matter get dropped entirely.

Keep in mind that no matter how open your parent is to the idea of moving into assisted living, it’s normal to feel guilty when considering this transition. Remind yourself that your intention is to ensure your parent's well-being, not take away their independence. Eventually, your parent may need more care than you can provide. Having a plan in place for the time when your loved one needs more help will make everyone feel more comfortable and safe.

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Written by:

Liz Talago, MEd

Liz Talago, MEd, is a mental health content writer and strategist whose work is infused with clinical expertise, behavioral science, and empathic storytelling. After spending years on the front lines of mental health care, Liz now partners with mission-driven organizations across the globe to create digital tools and experiences that enhance well-being.

Edited by:

Renée Fabian, MA

Renée Fabian is the senior pet health editor at GoodRx. She’s worked for nearly 10 years as a journalist and editor across a wide range of health and well-being topics.

Reviewed by:

Karen Hovav, MD, FAAP

Karen Hovav, MD, FAAP, has more than 15 years of experience as an attending pediatrician in a variety of clinical settings. She has worked in a large academic center in an urban city, a small community hospital, a private practice, and an urgent care clinic.

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