3 Caregivers Share Practical Tips for Avoiding Burnout
Key takeaways:
Caregiving touches the lives of millions of Americans, often straining their mental and physical well-being.
Most family caregivers are women balancing caregiving duties with their personal lives.
Support, self-care, and practical strategies are essential for managing caregiver stress.
Caregiving has been called America’s toughest job, with more than 41 million people providing unpaid care for adults and children. As people live longer and need more complex care, experts warn of an impending “silver tsunami” that could overwhelm healthcare systems and unpaid family caregivers.
Most family caregivers are women. And they often face significant emotional challenges, with studies indicating that 40% to 70% experience clinically significant symptoms of depression.
Tips for beating caregiver stress are easy to find but often harder to follow. Caretakers may feel guilty about taking time for themselves, or they may worry that no one else can provide the same level of care. Financial strains and family conflicts can add even more pressure.
Here, three caregivers share their advice for managing the challenges of caregiving and preventing burnout.
Prioritizing self-care
The day after Debbie Weiss graduated from high school, her father had a stroke that paralyzed the left side of his body. At 17, she became his primary caregiver for the next 30 years. Later, she took on care roles for her husband, who died from cancer, and her son, who has autism.
Debbie learned to prioritize self-care.
How do you care for others without losing yourself? Here’s what a daughter learned after caring for her father and becoming a caregiving advocate.
What’s it like to be a long-distance caregiver? Read excerpts from three people about what it was like for them.
What’s it like to forgive an aging parent? For one woman, it brought healing.
“It’s hard not to think of self-care as selfish. But it’s not. It’s necessary,” says Debbie, 61, who lives near Clinton, New Jersey. “A friend pointed out that caregivers are people pleasers, and saying no just doesn’t feel right. I was causing so much of the stress. It’s OK to say no. You don’t have to have an explanation, and you shouldn’t feel guilty.”
Debbie manages a packed schedule. She coordinates doctor visits, handles insurance calls, fills prescriptions, and makes sure medications are taken. She also helps with grooming, feeding, and mobility for her son.
But years of doing everything for everyone else started to take a toll.
“I felt sorry for me. I loved my father more than anything,” Debbie says. “Over time, my anger and resentment grew, and that made me lose patience quite often.”
Read more like this
Explore these related articles, suggested for readers like you.
When Debbie turned 50, she knew she needed a change. She found support groups that helped her manage her husband’s mental health issues. “My friends say I’m a group-aholic,” she jokes. “It’s important to have a support group of people that understand, having a safe space where no one judges you.”
She also needed something completely separate from her real life. She took a 12-week class on nonfiction writing and was hooked.
When her husband was ill at home, Debbie made a point to separate herself at some point during the day, saying, “I’m going upstairs to write. Don’t bother me unless it’s an emergency.” When he was in the hospital, she’d write at his bedside while he slept or when he’d go for tests.
“I had to set those boundaries. If I wasn’t intentional about scheduling it, doing it, it wouldn’t have happened,” she says.
In 2023, Debbie published “On Second Thought … Maybe I Can,” a book about how she learned to change her perspective. She has also started a business to help empower other caregivers, particularly women.
“I started to make changes, and they added up,” Debbie says. “I stopped seeing myself as a victim and looked within.”
Managing dementia care for two
Caring for a loved one with dementia can be emotionally and physically draining. The CDC reports that dementia caregivers are at risk for developing depression and anxiety.
“It’s a nasty business,” says Nancy Treaster, 63, who manages the care of her husband and father-in-law. “It’s exhausting. It’s frustrating.”
About a decade ago, Nancy’s husband began showing signs of aphasia. Still, he could be home alone and was able to drive. Friends and family would drop in to make sure everything was OK. Nancy would leave him prepared meals whenever she needed to travel for her job as an executive at a software company.
Six years ago, he stopped remembering where the meals were.
At the same time, her father-in-law was diagnosed with Alzheimer’s disease. Her in-laws had moved near Nancy’s home outside Atlanta years earlier, and her husband was planning to help them as they got older. Instead, the responsibility fell on Nancy.
She had been working full time outside the home. She started working from home, then part time. Eventually, she retired when she realized that caregiving had become her full-time job — her very stressful, unpaid job.
“I went to a therapist and said, ‘This is not the life I expected to have at this age, and it’s out of control,’” she says. “She gave me permission to take care of myself, because you feel so guilty doing that. I needed someone to tell me that if I need to go for 15 minutes and read a book to get away from a situation, that needs to happen.”
To deepen her knowledge, in 2024, Nancy took a 70-hour certification program to become a caregiving consultant. She also started a podcast, “The Caregiver’s Journey,” which offers practical advice and support for other caregivers.
Nancy offers realistic tips, like how to take away driving privileges or get a loved one to shower. She says it’s crucial to avoid “catastrophic thinking.” A few years ago, her sister persuaded her to hire a professional caregiver for a short trip. “Guess what? The world did not end. He was fine,” Nancy says. “It’s actually OK to step away.”
Supporting a veteran son
In 2005, Pam Estes’ son, Jason, was severely injured in Iraq by an anti-tank mine. It left him with third-degree burns, a traumatic brain injury, and an amputated leg. Pam, of Floyd, Virginia, and her husband, Mike, alternated visits during his long hospitalization. They were determined to bring him home to recover rather than leaving him in a rehabilitation center.
Nearly 20 years later, Jason still lives with Pam and Mike, who have built routines that allow time for themselves. “Physically, he can’t take care of himself,” says Pam, 66. “Caring for Jason is a full-time job.”
They use in-home care support from the Veterans Administration and the Wounded Warrior Project, which gives Pam and Mike time for errands and self-care. Pam says this support helps her manage the stress of caregiving.
“That’s when we get all of our stuff done,” she says. The couple dine out, but for lunches not dinners. She uses their home gym five days a week, something she started doing when her children were younger. “It’s really just to release a lot of stress,” Pam says. “That it makes me feel good and is a health benefit is a bonus.”
She and her husband also take an annual weeklong vacation to places like Las Vegas and Disney World.
“It’s difficult, and I had to be talked into it, but it’s so worth it when you walk away,” she says. “We’ve found it’s good for Jason to have a break from us. We’ve found good caregivers, and we know he’s in good hands.”
There are tough days, of course, Pam says. She and Mike get frustrated with Jason. Jason gets frustrated with them.
When that happens, she says, she takes a step back.
“No matter how stressful we think we have it, I know there are other people out there who have it worse,” she says. “Then we look at it from Jason’s point of view. At age 19, his life totally changed.”
Why trust our experts?
