How to Help an Aging Parent Who Needs More Care

Many people wonder how and when they need to start caring for an aging friend or relative. People often step into this role gradually. They provide a ride to the occasional medical appointment, or they make a grocery run now and again. For others, it can happen suddenly after a loved one has an unexpected accident or diagnosis. 

No matter what the circumstances are, becoming a caretaker is hard. And knowing when and how to best support someone is part of the challenge. But there are resources to help you and an aging adult whom you care about. This way, you can both live the most independent and healthy lives possible.

Signs an aging adult needs more care

One of the hardest questions to answer as a caregiver — especially when it comes to an aging parent — is knowing when someone needs more support. The burden of this decision can feel heavy. But there are signs you can look for to make this decision easier.

One of the most important questions to ask is whether they’re having difficulty performing activities of daily living (ADL). These are:

• Eating: Many conditions can affect an older adult’s ability to feed themselves. This includes appetite, coordination and strength, and swallowing. 

• Mobility: Falls at home are an obvious cause of concern. But difficulty with movement may look more subtle, like trouble getting in or out of bed, the shower, or a chair. 

• Dressing: You may notice they have trouble choosing clothes, putting them on, or taking them off. 

• Washing: This includes bathing or showering, shaving, combing their hair, or brushing their teeth. 

• Toileting: An older adult’s mobility may affect their ability to get on and off the toilet. But it’s also a warning sign if they can’t get to the toilet in a timely manner or clean themselves afterward.

It’s also important to consider if an aging friend, parent, or loved one can perform instrumental activities of daily living (IADL). While not essential, these tasks demand more organizational skills and are important for independent living. They include:

• Preparing and cooking meals

• Managing money

• Shopping for groceries or other necessities

• Using a telephone

• Taking prescribed medications

• Cleaning and maintaining the home

But it’s not only about making sure they can care for themselves. Other signs that may mean an older adult needs more care include:

• Decreased energy or physical activity

• Forgetfulness or memory loss that gets in the way of daily life

• Confusion or disorientation

• Feelings of isolation or depression

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What are the options for caring for an older parent?

There are many ways to provide extra care and support for an aging adult. And it doesn’t have to mean a dramatic change or a new environment. Sometimes, the most comfortable option for everyone involved is “aging in place.” This involves getting the right support services so someone can continue to live at home.

But every family has different considerations when deciding what’s best for an older adult. 

And remember that you — the caretaker — and your own life factor into this decision. Many caregivers feel guilty about prioritizing their own needs. But it’s important to remember that self-care is a critical part of being able to care for someone else. 

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You may be able to provide enough support on your own so your aging parent can stay safe and healthy at home. But when caring for someone feels overwhelming, it might be time to consider a higher level of care — and that’s OK. 

Here are some different levels of care and available services.

Home health aide

A home health aide goes to someone’s home to assist with ADL and basic medical care. Sometimes, they live in the home full-time. More often, they work day shifts, night shifts, or a combination of both. They can check vital signs like breathing rate, heart rate, and blood pressure. They can also help handle emergencies if they arise.

Assisted-living facility

An assisted-living facility is housing that provides supervision but not around-the-clock care. Residents live in their own rooms or apartments and share common areas like the bathroom. 

Staff can help with ADL, like getting dressed and taking medications. Meals are sometimes provided. But residents can often make their own meals if they prefer. Assisted-living facilities often don’t focus on medical care. Some facilities offer additional healthcare for a fee.

Nursing home

If someone needs more medical care and support, nursing homes are likely a better option than assisted-living facilities. Nursing homes provide 24-hour housing, supervision, healthcare, and personal services. They may also have rehabilitation services, like physical therapy, occupational therapy, and speech therapy. 

It’s important to note that even if someone’s needs require a nursing home level of care, aging in place may still be an option. This essentially brings all the care someone needs to their home. 

In the last section, below, we explain how enrolling in the Program of All-Inclusive Care for the Elderly (PACE) program can help cover all or some of the cost.

Benefits of handling care on your own

Professional help or care facilities aren’t the only options. Some older adults may choose to move in with a relative when they can no longer live on their own. Relatives can often provide help with basic tasks and medical needs without formal medical training. They can help with things like: 

• Everyday tasks

• Meals

• Medications

• Basic supervision

The cost of living with a relative is generally less than the other care options. If you’re considering this option, it may be nice to know that research has shown emotional benefits to assuming the caretaker role for a loved one. 

Benefits of caregiving include:

• Gaining more confidence

• Learning how to deal with difficult situations

• Feeling closer to the family member you’re caring for

• Feeling assured that the family member receives quality care

There’s also research to suggest that caregiving may have health benefits for the caregiver too. A large 2023 study compared the death rates between caregivers and non-caregivers over a 20-year period. The participants were women over the age of 50. The caregivers were 9% less likely to have died in that time period. 

Interestingly, these results remained true despite the personal experience of the caregiver while caregiving. Caregivers who reported higher rates of depression saw a similar mortality benefit to those who reported higher rates of optimism. In other words, the mental health status of the caregivers didn’t affect their mortality. And this is notable, since caregiving can come with significant stressors. 

Potential downfalls of living with an aging parent

While there are benefits to caregiving, being responsible for the care of an older friend or loved one isn’t easy. It’s important to consider factors like:

• Time: Finding time to take care of another person can be challenging, especially if you have other demands that keep you busy.

• Cost: Financial limitations may guide someone toward one care option over another. Many people who care for their parents take on extra expenses like food, basic life necessities, and medical care.

• Emotional energy: Caring for a loved one can be emotionally rewarding and draining at the same time. It’s normal for caregivers to experience both positive and negative feelings about their role.

• Ability to care for self and others: Tending to the needs of an older friend or loved one can get in the way of caring for yourself or others. If that’s the case, you may want to explore other options.

• Work schedule: Some jobs are more flexible than others. In certain cases, it may be impossible to take the time off that you need to care for an aging friend or loved one.

Many family members find that they start to experience caregiver burnout. It’s important to remember that caring for an older parent requires caring for yourself too. 

How to know which care option is best for your aging parent

Choosing the best care option for an aging parent can be tough. In most cases, you’ll want to account for different factors, like the:

• Level of care that’s needed

• Desires of the aging parent or loved one

• Desires and circumstances of the caregiver

• Associated costs

It’s important to make a shared decision so every person feels comfortable with the next steps. And remember that you aren’t alone. 

There are resources to help you and your family navigate these challenges. And if you have limited income, state programs may be able to cover some of the costs. You can start by:

• Visiting LongTermCare.gov: This site includes information about basic needs, costs, Medicare, Medicaid, housing, and more. 

• Contacting your Medicaid office: You can search by state to see available resources. 

• Find out if there is a PACE program near you: It offers all-inclusive care for older adults in their home. As long as they qualify for Medicaid, they don’t pay anything for the program. But it’s only offered in certain states (and the District of Columbia). 

• Exploring the Eldercare Locator: By entering your zip code, city, and state, you can browse what help may be available for older adults in your area.

• Talking to your loved one’s healthcare professional: They can direct you to additional resources and provide information about available options.

• Speaking to a geriatric care manager: This person is usually a licensed social worker or licensed nurse who specializes in taking care of older adults. They can help you and your aging loved one develop a short- and long-term plan that meets all of your needs.

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Written by:

Cherilyn Davis, MD

Cherilyn Davis, MD, is a board-certified pediatrician in New York City. She has held local and national roles at the American Medical Women’s Association including board member of the physician division and physician chair of social media.

Edited by:

Katie E. Golden, MD

Katie E. Golden, MD, is a board-certified emergency medicine physician and a medical editor at GoodRx.

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