Key takeaways:
Close to 3 million children in the U.S. have a parent in prison. These kids may experience long-term mental health issues like depression, anxiety, or post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD).
Coping strategies are tools you can use to help a child manage their feelings about their parent’s incarceration.
There are many books and resources for children who have a parent behind bars, such as Sesame Street’s Coping with Incarceration website and Prison Families Alliance support groups for kids.
About 2.7 million kids in the U.S. have a parent behind bars. These children are often scared or confused at the loss of a parent. Many end up experiencing long-term physical and mental health effects as a result. They might cope by doing things that are harmful to themselves or others, like acting out in school or isolating themselves from friends.
“Young children don’t have a history of overcoming the odds and they may not have developed resiliency,” says Avon Hart-Johnson, founder and president of DC Connect Project, an organization that offers crisis intervention for families affected by incarceration. “That’s why it’s important for them to have a well-regulated adult in their lives.”
Coping skills are tools you can use to guide a child who’s having a hard time. Just keep in mind that not all children who are hurting act out. Pay close attention to any behavioral changes and look for a strategy that best fits your situation.
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Coping strategies for children dealing with incarceration
When a child’s parent is incarcerated, the caregiver who steps in — whether it’s the other parent, a grandparent, or another relative — may feel overwhelmed. These coping strategies can guide you and your child to process scary and confusing feelings in healthy, productive ways.
1. Don’t do their time
Family dynamics can change drastically and might revolve around the person in prison. “But kids still need to have normal childhood experiences,” says Laure Clemons, founder and executive director of Extended Family, a support organization for families of prisoners.
Give kids occasions to look forward to like birthdays, field trips, or a family vacation. Let them go to a sleepover instead of visiting the prison one weekend.
“They will start to understand that their life will go on without the incarcerated family member there to enjoy it with them,” says Clemons. “We want kids to learn that we don't have to do their time.”
2. Find ways to ease stress
Make a list of things that calm the child. Some children like to read or draw pictures. Others would rather go outside and throw a ball or play tag. Also, build in extra time for sleep and make sure they eat healthy meals.
3. Get mental health assistance
Children of incarcerated parents may struggle with depression, anxiety, and feelings of isolation. They may need to talk to someone like a therapist, a community mental health professional, or a school counselor.
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4. Find community support
Team up with an organization that promotes social, emotional, and physical well-being in kids like Big Brothers Big Sisters or Boys & Girls Clubs.
5. Let them know they’re not alone
Look up celebrities who have had a parent in prison, suggests Clemons. Or check out the Prison Families Alliance youth support groups. They meet virtually and break out into rooms by age.
6. Read books together about prison
Books like Hart-Johnson’s “Jamie’s Big Visit: When a Parent Goes to Prison” and “Far Apart, Close in Heart” by Becky Birtha and Maja Kastelic are stories that children can relate to.
“They’re designed to have characters with similar social situations,” says Hart-Johnson. “It helps them feel like they're not alone.”
7. Identify the child’s strengths
“Harness their strengths and allow them to make choices in family discussions,” says Hart-Johnson.
“When you feel shame and feel like someone has fractured your family, you feel like you’ve lost your sense of control and empowerment. But they will start to feel better when they’re given choices. When children are given a sense of agency, they may no longer feel helpless or disempowered.”
8. Be honest with them
Children don’t need all the details about why a parent has been locked up. But you can still be truthful with them. Hart-Johnson suggests saying something like, “I may not know everything, or I may know things that are too sensitive, but I can tell you what I can.”
9. Get kids to talk about their feelings
Help children identify what they’re feeling and how to respond to their feelings in a healthy way.
“Develop a vocabulary that encourages truth telling and emotional literacy,” says Hart-Johnson. “If they don’t know how they're feeling, they won’t know if they’re getting better.”
10. Plan for the future
Teens need something to look forward to after high school regardless of their parent’s incarceration.
“We can get so focused on the incarcerated person that we don’t talk to our kids about things like college visits,” says Clemons, whose daughters were 12 and 16 years old when her husband was incarcerated. “Also, children of the incarcerated may think they can't afford college.”
Clemons suggests looking for scholarships from community clubs and foundations. “They are supportive of students who are facing challenges like family incarceration, yet working toward fulfilling their dreams of higher education,” says Clemons.
How can a child stay connected to their incarcerated parent?
Many children with a parent on the inside don’t want to lose touch. Staying in touch can help them:
Build or support the parent-child bond
Here are some ways you can help your child stay connected to their incarcerated parent:
Take the child to visit the parent as often as you can.
Have them write letters or send cards (find out what the facility allows).
Have them draw pictures to include with their letters.
Allow them to talk on the phone with their incarcerated parent.
Set up video chats if they’re available and within your budget.
Share photos with the loved one.
Plan special ways to celebrate birthdays and holidays.
How to prepare a child for a prison visit
Prison visits play an important role in the parent-child connection. But a first-time prison visit can be scary for a child. There are many unknowns, and these can make a child anxious.
Below are suggestions that can help kids feel more comfortable before their first visit:
Tell the child when they will be visiting their parent. Offer details such as what time you’ll be leaving home, whether you’ll spend the night at a hotel, and how long the visit will last once you arrive. Children feel safe when they understand what’s happening.
Talk to the child about what they will experience. They may have to walk through several locked gates. They will probably have to go through a metal detector and may be patted down.
Find out what the child will be able to do with their parent. Some facilities will allow kids to hug their parent at the beginning and end of the visit. Others don’t permit any physical contact. Some have books and board games available. But others may have nothing to entertain kids.
Give information about what they’ll see during their visit. If you’ve had the opportunity to visit the prison on your own, describe what it looks like both on the inside and outside.
Explain the role of correctional officers. They work to make sure everyone is safe and following the rules. They may not smile or seem friendly, but that doesn’t mean they’re scary.
Give your child a choice, if appropriate. Depending on the child’s age and maturity level, you may want to ask them if they want to visit their parent. Some children may not want to see a parent in a prison uniform, or they might not feel comfortable going to a correctional facility.
How to talk to a child about their parent’s imprisonment
Telling a child that their mom or dad is in prison may be one of the hardest conversations you’ll ever have. But it’s also necessary for the child’s well-being. Talking about it will help the child feel safer and more secure. It’s also better for them to hear about it from a trusting, caring adult.
Some ways you can talk to a child about this can be found below:
Don’t tell them a lie, like mom or dad has gone to school or on vacation. “One, because that’s a lie. But two, because they may become terrified of going to school or on vacation. In their young minds that’s where someone goes and doesn’t come back,” says Clemons.
Remind them often that it’s not their fault. “Over 90% of the kids I work with think it’s their fault regardless of the crime,” says Clemons. “They think, ‘If I had just done something different, they wouldn't be in prison.’” She suggests looking them in the eye and saying, “It's not your fault!” Then make a game out of it — whisper it, yell it, draw it. “Words are powerful, and our kids need to hear the words over and over, ‘It's not your fault!’”
Avoid calling the parent a bad person. “Children may think that if their parent is bad then they’re bad, too,” says Clemons. “Instead, tell them, ‘Your parent made a bad choice, and you can make different choices.’”
Be honest and open with children. “Talk about what the family is going to look like. Let them know you are going to keep them safe, provide shelter, and replace the role previously carried out by the absent family member. This will help them feel safe and secure,” says Hart-Johnson.
Decide together how you will tell other people. “Every family has to decide what’s best for them,” says Clemons. “Sit down together and ask, ‘How are we going to talk about this?’”
For children ages 2 to 4 years old, tell them mommy or daddy made a bad choice and they have to go on a timeout with other grownups who have made bad choices.
What resources are available for children of incarcerated parents?
Resources for kids with parents in prison include children’s books, online support groups, and local, state, and national organizations. These options may offer extra support if you’re feeling overwhelmed or if your child is having a rough go of it.
Sesame Street in Communities
Visit Sesame Street’s Coping with Incarceration site. You’ll find videos, articles, and activities for children with topics like “Visiting a Parent in Prison” and “You’re Not Alone.” There’s also an app called Sesame Street: Incarceration.
Prison Families Alliance (PFA)
PFA hosts an online support group every month for children and youth ages 5 to 17 years old. The meeting is led by adults, and children are separated into rooms by age.
POPS the Club
POPS offers programs in middle schools and high schools in:
California
Georgia
New York
Pennsylvania
Students engage in creative activities, talk about the challenges of having a parent in prison, and learn mindfulness techniques to manage stress.
Save Kids of Incarcerated Parents (SKIP)
SKIP has programs primarily in:
Alabama
Georgia
Michigan
Texas
Programming includes a summer camp for teens, after-school tutoring, and mentorship training for older children.
Girl Scouts Beyond Bars
Based in western Washington state, this Girl Scouts affiliate connects members with other members who have a parent on the inside. Girls also learn how to build healthy relationships and become leaders.
Prison Fellowship
This faith-based organization has three programs specifically for children: Angel Tree Christmas collects gifts for children of incarcerated parents.
Angel Tree Camping and Angel Tree Sports Camp makes it possible for children to attend summer camps and sports clinics.
Project Avary
Project Avary brings children together from across the country to participate in leadership programs and mentoring programs. Programs are available online. To nominate a child for participation, fill out an application online.
Nonprofits in your state
Do a Google search for organizations that work with children and families of incarcerated individuals, like Foreverfamily in Georgia and Extended Family in Alabama.
Other organizations have programs that video record incarcerated parents reading books to their children. The recordings are then mailed to the children.
Check out organizations like:
Aid to Inmate Mothers in Alabama
Read to the Children in Colorado
HeartBound Ministries in Georgia
Storybook Project in Texas
Books
Along with the titles mentioned above, check out:
“The Night Dad Went to Jail” by Melissa Higgins and Wednesday Kirwan
“Knock Knock: My Dad’s Dream for Me” by Daniel Beaty and Bryan Collier
“Milo Imagines the World” by Matt de la Peña and Christian Robinson
How are children affected by incarceration?
Having a mom or dad behind bars can threaten a child’s emotional and physical well-being. Stigma, for example, is a big problem for kids. The shame of having a parent locked up can lead to isolation, rejection, and bullying. It can also push children to keep their parent’s incarceration a secret, making it hard for them to get support.
Some children develop post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD) after watching their parent get arrested. They may also have depression, anxiety, or even physical health issues.
Some kids may also express their distress through behaviors, like lying or being deceitful. Keep in mind these behaviors are sometimes the only “language” children have to express what they’re feeling.
These kids may also have problems in school. Studies suggest that they are at higher risk for getting expelled or suspended. And many face economic hardships that result in their material needs not being met and housing insecurities.
The bottom line
Parental incarceration affects millions of children in the U.S. The loss of a parent to prison can devastate a child and create lasting mental health problems. But there are things you can do to soften the blow.
Coping strategies like allowing the child to still have kid experiences and reminding them it’s not their fault can ease their stress. Keeping in touch with the incarcerated parent can help children manage feelings of loss. And resources like books and support groups can reassure them that they’re not alone.
Why trust our experts?
References
Adalist-Estrin, A. (n.d.). Visiting mom or dad: The child’s perspective. Children of Incarcerated Parents Library.
American Psychological Association. (2023). How to talk to children about difficult news.
Assisting Families of Inmates. (n.d.). Preparing a child.
Cramer, L., et al. (2017). Parent-child visiting practices in prisons and jails. Urban Institute.
Geller, A., et al. (2009). Parental incarceration and child well-being: Implications for urban families. Social Science Quarterly.
Gray, A. (2019). More mothers are ending up behind bars. Meeting the needs of their children is becoming a bigger priority. CNN.
Joining Forces for Children. (n.d.). What are ACEs?
Murray, J., et al. (2012). Children's antisocial behavior, mental health, drug use, and educational performance after parental incarceration. Psychological Bulletin.
National Child Abuse and Neglect Technical Assistance and Strategic Dissemination Center. (n.d.). Supporting relationship between children and their incarcerated parents.
Sesame Street in Communities. (n.d.). Coping with incarceration.
The Pew Charitable Trusts. (2010). Collateral costs: Incarceration’s effect on economic mobility.
Youth.gov. (n.d.). Tip sheet for incarcerated parents: Planning for a visit from your child/children.
