Understanding Toxic Positivity and Healthy Ways to Cope With Distress
Key takeaways:
Toxic positivity is when someone ignores difficult experiences or emotions and insists on “positive vibes only.”
Even though it’s often well intentioned, toxic positivity can increase despair, mask important emotions, and cause feelings of isolation.
It’s possible to experience and cope with difficult emotions in healthy ways, such as acknowledging the emotions and learning from them.
Table of contents
It can be hard to sit by while a loved one struggles. Whether it’s a toddler having a tantrum, a friend expressing feelings of loneliness, or a partner going through a tough time, it’s tempting to try to resolve their distress as quickly as possible.
One common — though rarely successful — approach is to dismiss the person's difficult feelings and offer false reassurances. This may involve saying things like:
“Don’t cry. Daycare is fun.”
“There’s no reason to feel lonely. You have plenty of friends.”
“Stay positive. You’re an inspiration.”
The problem is that difficult situations usually can’t be fixed just by shifting perspective. What’s more, ignoring discomfort can actually cause it to get worse. That’s when you may be experiencing toxic positivity.
What is toxic positivity?
Toxic positivity occurs when a person uses positivity to silence suffering. In other words, toxic positivity is the minimization or invalidation of pain or discomfort.
The idea of looking at the world through rose-colored glasses is not always a bad idea. Positive thinking, including having an optimistic outlook, can be good for your health. Research has linked positivity to a range of positive physical health outcomes, including a stronger immune system and reduced risk of heart disease.
But too much forced positive thinking can become toxic. Focusing too much on positive thinking may lead you to:
Ignore difficult factors in your environment that affect your life, such as the impact of discrimination or a lack of access to resources
Fail to create enough space for processing difficult emotions
Overemphasize positive emotional experiences at the cost of your or another person’s values and beliefs
Examples of toxic positivity
Toxic positivity can occur in a variety of ways, from obvious to nearly invisible. Some forms of toxic positivity are so subtle that it can be hard to notice when it’s happening.
Let’s take a look at a few examples of toxic positivity:
Hiding difficult or painful emotions
Launching into a pep talk or offering false reassurances, such as:
“Everything happens for a reason.”
“It could be worse.”
“There’s so much to be thankful for.”
“There are other fish in the sea.”
“Look on the bright side.”
“At least, you can try again.”
“Fake it until you make it.”
“You’ll get over it.”
“Happiness is a choice.”
“Don’t be so negative.”
“Good vibes only.”
Posting social media content that amplifies the “ups” while filtering out the “downs”
Brushing off problems or issues rather than learning from or resolving them
Avoiding difficult feelings because they make you uncomfortable
Faking gratitude
Where does toxic positivity come from?
The intentions behind toxic positivity are usually noble. A person who is trying to be supportive but is at a loss for words may fall back on toxic positivity. They may believe that their positivity is inspirational. And they may also be unfamiliar or uncomfortable with their own difficult emotions.
Dismissing or disapproving of challenging emotions are strategies that many people learn in childhood. Parents often demonstrate these strategies because they want to protect their children from pain and suffering. But it’s normal and healthy for children to experience the full spectrum of feelings. This includes disappointment, rejection, fear, embarrassment, and grief.
Parents who tell their children to “cheer up” when they express difficult emotions may mean well. However, dismissing or even punishing children for their emotions can lead to a belief that it is wrong to have certain feelings. As a result, children may grow up focusing only on the positive.
How does toxic positivity affect people?
Focusing exclusively on positivity doesn’t necessarily make a person happier. In fact, it’s often the opposite.
One study found that people who place a high value on happiness may feel less happy in certain situations because of it. Another study connected the tendency to want to feel happy to greater depressive symptoms in people with major depressive disorder. This may be due to the pressure to avoid uncomfortable feelings.
Further research has found that people who avoid challenging emotions can ultimately feel worse as a result. While it might be temporarily uncomfortable, learning to accept difficult emotions is often the best approach for long-term mental health.
Let’s take a closer look at four reasons why toxic positivity can be harmful.
1. Toxic positivity blocks important emotions
It’s tempting to resist experiencing difficult emotions. But our emotions are important signposts. They can signal to us that something about a situation is not right.
Even though some emotions can be uncomfortable, it’s inaccurate to label any of them as “bad” or “good.” They are all an important part of the human experience.
For example, fear, anger, and sadness are emotions that:
Keep us alert to our environment
Help us identify our boundaries or notice when they have been violated
Provide an opportunity for us to build genuine connections with others
2. Blocking emotions can lead to shame
If a person believes that certain emotions are invalid or unacceptable, they may feel ashamed when those emotions arise. Shame is an emotion that often leads people to pull away from others. Once it has a foothold, it’s easy for shame to take over. It can silence a person and lead to secrets, denial, and disconnection.
3. Constant positivity can be isolating
When a person isn’t in touch with their emotions, it can become difficult to connect with others. If someone is constantly rattling off “feel-good” statements, they might send the message that only good feelings are allowed. This can limit the way other people relate to them.
Toxic positivity can also lead to superficial interactions. And people who feel pressure to stay positive may be less likely to seek support when they’re facing adversity.
4. Avoiding discomfort prevents growth
Working through challenging feelings can lead to insight and personal growth. When these feelings are ignored, it prevents people from growing on a personal level. It can also destroy lines of communication, which interferes with the ability to identify or solve relationship issues.
What can you say and do instead of showing toxic positivity?
Experiencing challenging emotions is an essential part of being alive. Even though strong emotions can be overwhelming, toxic positivity is not the solution. There are healthy ways to cope with painful or uncomfortable emotions. Give the below ideas a try.
Acknowledge your emotions
Instead of suppressing a difficult emotion, acknowledge it. This can be as simple as saying, “I feel angry” or “I hear that you’re terrified.” While it might be uncomfortable or scary, recognizing your emotions can actually help you feel better.
Get specific
It’s easy for emotions to get tangled together, which can make it hard to tease them apart. When you’re describing your emotions, try to be as specific as possible. This demystifies your emotions and allows you to explore them.
Validate your feelings
Validation is not about agreeing with or justifying emotions. It’s about affirming your experience, responding to your needs, and giving yourself permission to feel. For example, when you miss out on an important work opportunity, you can repeat to yourself something like, “It makes sense to feel disappointed.”
Empathize with others
Empathy allows you to respond to emotions with sensitivity. If you struggle to feel empathy, it can be helpful to separate emotions from behavior. You might not agree with a person’s reaction to an emotion, but the emotion itself is real.
Express your feelings
People can express their emotions in a variety of healthy ways. It may help to explore different methods of emotional expression and stress management until you find some that resonate. You might try things like:
Talking to a friend or family member
Drawing
Singing
Dancing
Explore and learn
Be curious about your emotions and willing to learn from them. But be careful not to jump into problem-solving mode right away. This can become invalidating. Explore your emotions and try to understand them before acting.
Seek support
It’s not always possible or helpful to try to work through difficult emotions on your own. If this is the case for you, consider exploring mental wellness resources. You may also benefit from connecting to a trusted community member, faith leader, or mental health professional.
How do you cope with another person’s toxic positivity?
From time to time, you may experience someone else responding to you with toxic positivity. It’s not always easy to know how to react in those moments. But the following tips may help.
Stop the conversation
Always remember that you have the right to pause any conversation that makes you feel uncomfortable. If you feel like someone is using toxic positivity, ask if you can take a break from the interaction. It may be helpful to take a step back before you confront them. This way you can do it in a way that’s effective and moves you toward the type of relationship you’d like to have.
Challenge them
Don’t be afraid to stand up for yourself and address any harmful dynamics you’re noticing in your relationships. If someone consistently displays signs of toxic positivity and dismisses your challenging emotions and experiences, tell them. Let them know how it makes you feel. There’s a good chance that the person doesn’t even realize that what they’re doing and saying isn’t helpful.
Tell people what you need
In addition to being clear about what you don’t need, it’s also important to communicate what you do need. For example, some people default to problem-solving mode when all you want is for them to listen.
So try telling people when you need advice and when you just want to vent. This helps set expectations for the interaction. It also gives the other person the opportunity to support you more effectively.
The bottom line
You don’t have to pretend that everything is great when it’s not. In fact, doing so is sometimes called toxic positivity. People who focus too much on being happy all the time and ignore other emotions tend to feel worse because of it. When there’s no room for difficult emotions, those feelings can become much more powerful.
There is nothing wrong with practices such as focusing on gratitude and finding the silver lining in situations. That can be restorative and healing. The key is to make room for all of your feelings — including those that are difficult, painful, hopeful, and peaceful.
Why trust our experts?
References
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