What Do You Say to Someone Diagnosed With Cancer? Advice From Someone Who Knows

Receiving a cancer diagnosis, or going through treatment, can be a scary and uncertain time. As a family member or friend of someone with cancer, you want to offer support. But sometimes it’s challenging to know the right things to say. Or what you can do to help.

Each person is unique. So there’s no one-size-fits-all approach. But people who have experience with cancer — as patients or professionals — have some thoughts about words and actions that are often helpful. And about things that may be well-intentioned but sometimes miss the mark.  

What do you say when someone tells you they have cancer?

“Learning of a cancer diagnosis can be a devastating and isolating experience,” said Dr. Lauren Rynar, a clinical psychologist and the director of supportive oncology at the RUSH MD Anderson Cancer Center in Chicago. She adds that open and honest communication is key in supporting someone with cancer. 

When someone tells you they have cancer, your first impulse may be to say something to make you both feel better — to try to feel hopeful or less afraid. But it’s better to let the person with cancer take the lead. They may want to cry, express anger, or even laugh. It’s OK to do that with them. Or they may still be taking it in, and not show much emotion at all. As much as possible, meet the person where they’re at in the moment. Even if their emotions seem different than yours.

Listening will be more important than talking. Let them know they have your full attention. Keep good eye contact and take in what they’re saying. Watch for cues in both words and body language. 

It’s OK to acknowledge that you don’t quite know what to say or do, Dr. Rynar said. Letting them know that you care about them and support them is an excellent place to start. 

EXPERT PICKS: WHAT TO READ NEXT

• What is cancer, actually? Cancer can be a confusing disease, with lots of different medical terms. Here are the basics on how cancer starts and spreads in the body.

• Cancer takes a toll on personal relationships: One woman shares her experience of having breast cancer, and how it affected her marriage and friendships.

• Palliative vs. hospice care: Many people confuse these terms. But they can actually be quite different types of care for people with serious illnesses.

You might also respond with:

• “Thank you for sharing your news with me. I can hear that this has been hard.”

• “I wish you didn’t have to go through this. But I’m here for you.”

• “I care about you. And I’m here to listen if you want to talk.”

• “Let me know how I can support you. Here are some things I can offer to do.”

Sometimes the best response doesn’t rely on words. Supportive silence, holding a hand, or giving a hug are all effective ways to communicate your care.

What questions can you ask when someone has cancer?

Caring questions can be supportive. Instead of making assumptions, Dr. Rynar said, ask someone how they’re doing. Specific questions are even better:

• “How are you feeling physically?” 

• “How are you coping with all of this?” 

• “I remember you saying you’ve been in a lot of pain. How’s that going now?”

Ask questions that allow the person to express as much or as little as they’re comfortable sharing. Questions that are too intrusive or pointed may be uncomfortable or painful. Or add to the stigma people may feel about their diagnosis. If you’re unsure, ask permission before getting into sensitive topics like:

• Prognosis

• How well treatments are working

• Risk factors or cause of the cancer

What not to say when someone has cancer

You’re likely having your own internal response to someone’s cancer diagnosis. It’s common to feel sad, afraid, or curious. Or to think about decisions you would make that might be different from theirs. 

But supportive listening means:

• Not judging someone for their feelings or decisions

• Not joking or making light of the situation — especially if it doesn’t match the person’s own reactions

• Not trying to change how someone feels 

• Being authentic and open 

Dr. Rynar points out that some well-meaning attempts at support may have the opposite effect. These might include:

• “Stay positive! It will be OK!” This approach can dismiss thoughts and feelings that are challenging or difficult.

• “I know how you feel.” Don’t assume you know how someone else feels. Ask them instead.

• “You’re so strong! You’re so brave!” Allow the person to tell you how they’re feeling. They might not always be feeling strong or brave. 

• “This sounds just like what my sister went through.” Avoid comparing their experience with someone else’s.

• “How long do you have?” Don’t shy away from end-of-life conversations. But allow the person to take the lead in sharing what they are ready to share. 

• “Did you read online that…” Ask permission before sharing information or offering your opinion — even about things you think may be helpful.

• “It’s just so hard to watch you go through this.” Let them know how much they mean to you. But avoid putting pressure on them to make you feel better.

• “Just let me know if I can help.” It may be overwhelming for someone to figure out what they need. Try coming up with some specific ways to offer support.

But don’t avoid someone because you’re unsure of what to say or do. If a word or action sometimes lands awkwardly, that’s OK. Listen, learn from it, and continue to show up in the ways someone tells you they need.

How do you comfort or support someone who has cancer?

Words are one way to offer support to someone with cancer. But actions are also powerful ways to show that you care.

Every person with cancer doesn’t have the same needs. The ability to provide certain kinds of support vary among friends and family members, too. “Cancer affects physical health, emotional health, social health, and more,” Dr. Rynar said. “It can be helpful to identify the best way for you to offer support across these domains.”

For example, you may not be the best at having sensitive or emotional conversations. But you might be great at organizing a meal train. Or maybe you’re unable to go with someone to appointments or treatments. But you may be wonderful at quick phone calls or texts to let them know you’re thinking about them. 

“Know your willingness and abilities,” Dr. Rynar said, “and show up where you can.” Some specific ways to show your support might include:

• Acts of kindness: Consider things that might be appreciated during any stressful time. Think care packages, gift cards for meal delivery services, sharing something funny, or sending a card.

• Calls, conversations, visits, and activities: Focus on who someone is as a person, not just their illness. Include them in activities. But be flexible and understanding about last-minute changes or cancellations.

• Follow their lead: Offer to help, but don’t treat them as helpless. Suggest specific things that you’re willing and able to do. But also accept their answer if that’s not what they need.

• Be extra patient: People with cancer may be dealing with emotions like sadness, fear, anxiety, anger, grief, and loneliness. Cancer symptoms and treatment may be causing an understandable shift in their focus or priorities. 

• Respect their privacy: What a person chooses to share with you may be different than what they discuss with someone else. Don’t pass along information or news to others without the person’s permission.

What about when treatment stops working?

If someone is pursuing end-of-life options like palliative care or hospice, they still need your support. There may be some aspects of that support that are the same as before. And there are others that may shift, depending on how they’re feeling or the nature of your relationship. But Dr. Rynar offers some ideas:

• Continue to express your care and love. 

• Be present, regardless of the person’s ability to talk or interact with you.

• Allow space for the person to speak about death and reflect on life.

• With permission, you can ask about their experiences, choices, and decisions. But accept their right to choose their own path. Even if it differs from what you might choose for yourself.

• Remember your own self-care. It’s extra important when you’re supporting someone who’s approaching the end of life.

What if someone is a cancer survivor?

Successful cancer treatment often brings feelings of relief and happiness. But it can bring up other emotions, too. 

“The transition into long-term survivorship can be a time filled with anxiety, fear of recurrence, and difficulty rebuilding life after cancer,” Dr. Rynar said. “Survivors can often feel isolated or like they are letting people down if they’re anything but grateful and excited.”

Continue to listen and connect with people, even after treatment ends. Ongoing physical and emotional concerns are common. Educating yourself about cancer survivorship is one more way to show your care and support.

Checking in with yourself

Supporting a friend or loved one with cancer is an opportunity to deepen your relationship. It can be a profound and enriching experience.

At the same time, walking with someone through cancer is likely to bring up emotions for you, too. Ask yourself what you’re willing and able to do. Gently acknowledge what you’re unable to do. And make sure your loved one connects with what they need in some other way.

“If we don’t care for ourselves, it’s much harder to care for others,” Dr. Rynar said. Some ways to care for yourself include:

• Acknowledging and accepting your own emotions

• Engaging in everyday routines

• Participating in relaxing or fun activities

• Seeking personal or professional support when you need it 

Why trust our experts?

Written by:

Anne Jacobson, MD, MPH

Anne Jacobson, MD, MPH has been a board-certified family physician since 1999. She worked as a full-scope family physician (inpatient, outpatient, obstetrics, and office procedures) in the Cook County Ambulatory Health Network for 15 years.

Edited by:

Katie E. Golden, MD

Katie E. Golden, MD, is a board-certified emergency medicine physician and a medical editor at GoodRx.

Our editorial standards

Meet our experts