Key takeaways:
Emotional agility is the practice of using your feelings as information to help guide you rather than trying to change or control your emotions.
Emotional agility can help you step back and make decisions based on your values and goals instead of reacting on impulse.
You can practice emotional agility through steps such as observing your feelings and making small shifts that match up with what’s most important to you.
Have you ever told yourself not to get angry? Or perhaps you’ve thought, “This shouldn’t upset me so much.” Starting as kids, we may get the message that we shouldn’t be too emotional — especially if we have big feelings or feelings deemed “wrong” or “bad.”
But what if it’s OK to have any emotion without trying to change it? That’s the idea behind emotional agility.
What is the meaning of emotional agility?
Emotional agility refers to using your emotions as a guide to making decisions based on your values. It’s a popular term coined by author and psychologist Susan David, who wrote the book “Emotional Agility: Get Unstuck, Embrace Change, and Thrive in Work and Life.”
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Researchers also refer to this concept as psychological flexibility. The idea isn’t to have more “positive” emotions or stop “negative” emotions. Rather, the goal is to make use of whatever emotions you have. By accepting your emotions rather than trying to change them, you can make good use of them.
For example, anger may signal that someone has crossed your boundaries. You can use this emotional information to investigate what might need to change. Anger could help you get your needs met or discuss an issue you care about. If you are standing up to someone who is taking advantage of you, anger could help you stick to your guns.
Is emotional agility the same as emotional intelligence?
Emotional agility and emotional intelligence are not the same. The term “emotional intelligence” (EI) was made popular by psychologist Daniel Goleman.
Some aspects of EI overlap with emotional agility, such as noticing emotions. And one study found that those who accept uncomfortable emotions may have higher emotional intelligence. However, the practices are not the same.
For example, EI includes a focus on social skills, such as empathy and communication. Emotional agility, on the other hand, helps you use your emotions as a guide to live by your values.
How do you build and practice emotional agility?
In emotional agility, you use feelings as information. You don’t hold onto the emotion tightly but you don’t push it away either. By recognizing your feelings but not becoming too caught up in them, you may be able to make more clear-headed decisions.
For example, if you meet a new person and feel uneasy around them, you can step back and notice your experience. Depending on the situation, you may then decide that you no longer want to spend time with that person.
What are the four steps of emotional agility?
David recommends the following four steps to practice emotional agility:
Showing up: Notice your thoughts, feelings, and behaviors without judging them. There’s no right or wrong to what you’re experiencing.
Stepping out: Separate your thoughts and feelings from yourself. Think of your emotions as an experience, not as you. For example, riding a roller coaster is an experience, but you are not the roller coaster itself. The same goes for your internal emotional experience. You aren’t a “sad person,” but you do experience sadness.
Walking your why: Take action by using insights from your emotional experience and combining them with your values and goals. How do the emotions you are experiencing fit with what you really care about? For instance, feeling anger in a relationship may signal that it’s time to set stronger boundaries with the other person.
Moving on: Make small shifts toward your values. You might start to change a habit that’s causing you problems or consider a situation from a new point of view. Think about how your decisions align with what you really want in life. Your emotions can help guide you in making changes to get closer to your goals.
What is an example of emotional agility?
You can practice emotional agility in any situation. For example, imagine that your teenager left a mess in the bathroom. You may have the urge to stomp into their room to yell at them about responsibility.
But instead of reacting right away, you could step back and notice that you’re feeling irritated. Perhaps you’ll realize that you need to say something because you’re not OK with cleaning up their messes.
However, you’ve also been working on improving your relationship with your teen, which is even more important to you. So instead of yelling, you decide to calmly remind them to clean it up. Your decision would then be consistent with your values, both in the moment and with your overall goal of having a better relationship with your teen.
Taking it a step further, you can “move on,” as David says, and make a change to help prevent similar situations from happening again. Perhaps you make a new house rule about cleaning up and establish consequences for breaking it.
When should you seek professional help to strengthen your emotional agility?
Emotional agility is one technique that may help with your personal or work life. To strengthen emotional agility, David and other experts recommend strategies such as those from acceptance and commitment therapy (ACT).
The four steps of emotional agility are similar to techniques found in ACT. You could practice emotional agility skills on your own or visit an ACT therapist for support.
If you struggle with emotions or behaviors to the point that they interfere with your work or personal life, it may be helpful to have a professional assessment. A therapist or other mental health provider can help you figure out what’s going on and how to address it. They may recommend ACT or another type of mental health treatment.
The bottom line
Emotional agility refers to the process of accepting your emotions and using them as information, rather than trying to change them. By stepping back, noticing your feelings, and considering your goals and values, you can make decisions based on what’s most important to you. This may be more effective than either ignoring or getting too caught up in your day-to-day emotions.
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References
Aldao, A., et al. (2012). The influence of context on the implementation of adaptive emotion regulation strategies. Behaviour Research and Therapy.
Cox, S. (2018). Tips for emotional agility. Nursing Management.
David, S., et al. (2013). Emotional agility. Harvard Business Review.
David, S. (2016). Emotional agility: get unstuck, embrace change, and thrive in work and life. Penguin Random House.
Doorley, J.D., et al. (2020). Psychological flexibility: What we know, what we do not know, and what we think we know. Social and Personality Psychology Compass.
Ford, B., et al. (2012). When getting angry is smart: emotional preferences and emotional intelligence. Emotion.
Goleman, D., et al. (2004). What makes a leader?. Harvard Business Review.
Kashdan, T. (2010). Psychological flexibility as a fundamental aspect of health. Clinical Psychology Review.
