How to Tell the People in Your Life That You Have Cancer

A cancer diagnosis can be as emotionally overwhelming for family members and friends as it is for you. As you begin to share your diagnosis, you may be uncertain or nervous about how to tell people and how they might react. 

The truth is, you really don’t know how someone is going to respond until you tell them. That’s why it’s important to have a plan. This article will help you decide who to tell and how to talk about your cancer diagnosis. We’ll also cover how to discuss it with your partner and what to say to children and teens.

Telling people about a cancer diagnosis

Telling someone you have cancer can come as a shock to the other person. At first you may feel like you have to help manage their reactions and emotions in addition to your own. But telling the people closest to you will help set up a much-needed support system, too.

Consider the following as you decide who to talk to about your cancer diagnosis and when and how to tell them:

1) Start by making a list of the people you’d like to share with. You will most likely tell your partner or spouse first, if you have one. Make sure you agree on who else you’re going to tell and who they can tell. Jot down the names of all the other family and friends on your list.

2) Pick who you want to tell in person and who you would rather call or video chat.

3) Choose a time and place for each conversation that makes you feel comfortable. Maybe you invite your friend over for dinner or meet at your favorite restaurant. Or you could call after your kids are in bed or on a day off from work.

4) If you have family members who don’t like to discuss personal matters or who you suspect might not be supportive, don’t feel like you have to tell them. You could ask another family member to tell them or you could choose to keep them in the dark. Remember, this is about you, not about them.

5) Decide how much you want to share with family and friends. You may want to say, for instance, that you have cancer and you’ll let them know more as you learn more. Or you may want to go deeper and tell them what you know about your cancer, treatment options, the outlook, and next steps. 

6) Be prepared for a variety of responses. Some will be helpful and caring, but others may be insensitive. It’s OK to tell someone to stop offering advice or questioning your treatment choice. In fact, it’s OK for you to say you’re done talking about cancer for the day and change the subject. In other words, don’t be afraid to establish boundaries. 

7) Discover who you can and can’t share your feelings with. Some people may be good at listening to you when you’re angry or sad. Others may be better at running errands for you or cooking meals. Accept that your loved ones will play different roles in your life throughout your cancer journey. 

Telling your partner about your cancer diagnosis

A cancer diagnosis impacts each person in a relationship. As you discuss your diagnosis and treatment options with your partner or spouse, consider the following tips: 

• Be honest. Many couples don’t like to discuss feelings such as fear, sadness, guilt, or frustration. But keeping those feelings to yourself may drive distance between you. Share openly and gently, listen to your partner, and respect each other’s feelings. 

• Process the news. A cancer diagnosis may come as a shock to you and your partner. Take time to commit your support to one another. Then begin making plans for your practical needs, like schedule changes, therapy appointments, and sharing the news with others. 

• Explore treatment options. Attend appointments and consider treatment options together, if that’s what you decide.

• Maintain routines. Your lives and your everyday discussions don’t have to all revolve around cancer. Continue to enjoy the things you do together, and talk about topics other than cancer. Remember to find moments to laugh and enjoy humor.

• Manage stress. Find healthy ways to manage stress together, like taking walks, getting massages, or watching movies.

• Schedule talk times. Pick a time to regroup each day or a couple times a week when you’re not distracted. It may comfort you both to know that you have a regularly scheduled chat date.

How to talk to children about your cancer diagnosis

Younger children (under 8 years old) may not need to know more than basic information. This can include the type of cancer you have, what treatment will look like, and how it will affect their lives. Kids older than 8 years old may want or need more information. 

Be prepared to answer questions as honestly and openly as you feel comfortable. No matter the child’s age, here are some tips as you get ready to talk with them about your cancer diagnosis:

• Schedule a time without distractions.

• Plan out what you’re going to say.

• Wait until your emotions are under control.

• Think about questions your child may ask, and be prepared to answer them.

• Give them permission to talk about cancer openly and share their feelings.

• Let them know it’s not their fault.

• Tell them how their lives might be different once you begin treatment.

• Explain that you don’t have all the answers.

• Share books written for children and teens about cancer.

• Set up regular family meetings to share updates.

• Put fun family gatherings on your calendar.

Should I tell my employer about my cancer diagnosis?

Talk to your provider first and find out if treatment will affect your work schedule. Your treatment may only be available during work hours, for example. Or, your provider may tell you to expect fatigue after treatment. Plan on telling your employer if you believe your diagnosis will affect your work.

Before you talk to your employer, here are some things you should know: 

• First, federal law protects you and your job as you undergo cancer treatment. In most cases, your employer must work with your schedule and grant you time off for appointments.

• Talk to your supervisor and human resources department about your treatment schedule and any side effects that may affect your work. Legally, you can request reasonable accommodations for your treatment schedule and to manage any side effects.

• If you feel comfortable, consider sharing your diagnosis with a co-worker you trust. This can help you build support in the workplace. 

• Lastly, keep records of your conversations, emails, accommodation requests, and any other interactions you have with your employer about your cancer. 

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Written by:

Ana Gascon

Ana Gascon has over 15 years of writing and editing experience, with 8 years in health and medical content work. She is a content creator who focuses on acute conditions, chronic diseases, mental health challenges, and health equity.

Edited by:

Renée Fabian, MA

Renée Fabian is the senior pet health editor at GoodRx. She’s worked for nearly 10 years as a journalist and editor across a wide range of health and well-being topics.

Reviewed by:

Sophie Vergnaud, MD

Sophie Vergnaud, MD, is the Senior Medical Director for GoodRx Health. A pulmonologist and hospitalist, she practiced and taught clinical medicine at hospitals in London for a decade before entering a career in health education and technology.

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