How to Talk to Someone Just Diagnosed with Alzheimer’s: Do’s, Don’ts, and How to Help
Key takeaways:
When someone is diagnosed with Alzheimer’s, it’s important to keep the lines of communication open and active throughout the different stages. Interacting in ways that are sensitive to their condition can help things go smoother.
Many people talk in ways that unintentionally create contradiction and conflict, which can lead to negative interactions. For example, correcting mistakes and quizzing doesn’t help someone with Alzheimer’s remember.
Create soothing interactions through reminiscing and creating a supportive environment. Attend a support group to gain access to resources and tailored activities.
Table of contents
When someone you care about receives a diagnosis like Alzheimer’s disease or dementia, it can be hard to know how to react. If you find yourself in this situation, you might be wondering how to talk to them. Should you acknowledge the diagnosis or act as if nothing is different? As the condition progresses, should you try to help them remember things? Should you correct them when they make a mistake? If you aren’t sure what to do or say, you’re not alone. Many people have been in this same situation. As a result, a lot has been learned. Some adjustments can help you to communicate sensitively.
What to say to someone just diagnosed with Alzheimer’s
When someone you know has received a serious diagnosis, it’s normal to feel nervous or uncertain about how to react. This is just a sign that you care and don’t want to say the wrong thing or make it harder on them. When someone has a new diagnosis of Alzheimer’s or dementia, there are a few ways you can make interactions go more smoothly.
Let them guide you
When a person has Alzheimer’s, how they want to interact has a lot to do with how advanced they are in their disease. For those in the earlier stages of Alzheimer’s, they may need someone to talk with about their condition. Receiving a serious diagnosis like this can be a process of acceptance and grief. It may help to ask them open questions about what is going through their mind or how they’re feeling about their diagnosis. You can ask them how you can help. This can include things like:
Driving them or going with them to medical appointments that feel scary
Planning regular meetups, like a walk or lunch, to check in
Providing food or meals
Offering to attend support groups with them
Since dementia affects someone’s ability to process information, someone with more advanced disease may not be able to acknowledge or understand their condition. They may even deny their diagnosis. In these cases, trying to convince them to admit or talk about it may create anxiety, fear, or anger. And they might not be able to identify ways you can support them. Instead, it may make more sense to check on them in more casual ways. Try a friendly phone call or stop by their home.
Talk about their favorite things
People with Alzheimer’s can have trouble understanding new or unfamiliar topics. On the other hand, talking about things they know well can help them feel comfortable in the conversation. Talking about a favorite pet, a hobby they love, or their favorite interests can be soothing and help them connect.
Talk about the things they can do
When you care about someone with dementia, it’s natural to worry about what their limitations may be. It’s important to know if it’s safe to continue certain activities, especially things like driving and financial management. But as far as interactions go, it’s better to keep it positive. Rather than trying to gauge what they can’t do, focus on the things they can do, like cooking, crafts, or any other special interests. Praising the things they can do well can preserve a sense of independence and worthiness.
Plan for the future if they are able
Depending on how advanced their condition may be, talking about the future may be tricky. If at all possible, it’s a good idea to help them with life planning while they’re still able. This can include things like creating a living will and identifying a health care proxy. For someone with milder symptoms, they may still be fully able to discuss their wishes for when their disease worsens. Even for someone with more advanced disease, they may still be able to share opinions about their priorities, like whether they would ever want to be on life support.
What is it like to have Alzheimer’s? Read the personal experience of a woman who was diagnosed with early-onset Alzheimer’s.
Early signs of dementia: To better understand a loved one with Alzheimer’s, it helps to know the early signs and ways it can affect their thinking.
How is Alzheimer’s diagnosed? Learn about the tests used to diagnose someone with dementia.
What not to say to someone diagnosed with Alzheimer’s
Some approaches can be less helpful when interacting with someone with Alzheimer’s or dementia. These may often be your most natural reaction to someone being forgetful. Being aware of these tendencies can keep interactions more positive.
Don’t avoid them
Many people living with a diagnosis like dementia find that their social circle can shrink. People may take a step back simply because they don’t know what to say. This can increase social isolation and create a greater risk for loneliness and depression. Even if you don’t know quite what to say or how to act, reaching out is better than nothing. Continuing to share time together makes it more comfortable for both of you and keeps the communication going.
Don’t quiz them
Another common tendency for well-meaning friends and family of a person with Alzheimer’s is to start quizzing them. This is often done as a way to check what a person may or may not still remember. It might also feel like it’s a helpful way to jog their memory. But actually, this more often leads to stress and frustration. Even though it’s intended to be helpful, this type of questioning doesn’t help a person with dementia. Instead, mention past events that they’re likely to remember, and see how they respond. And if they don’t seem to remember, don’t push them on the topic.
Don’t contradict them
This may be the hardest thing when talking to someone with Alzheimer’s. You may find that you automatically correct them when they forget or remember something incorrectly. For example, if a friend says they did something last year, but you know it was actually 5 years ago, your natural reaction may be to correct them. But for someone with dementia, these types of contradictions may not be received well. Insisting on their mistake can lead to frustration and arguing. This is because those with Alzheimer’s have a harder time understanding when they make these types of mistakes. It’s better to let it pass unmentioned unless it’s really necessary to correct them.
Don’t always remind them of their diagnosis
Just as it’s better to let mistakes slide, it’s not usually helpful to frequently remind them about their diagnosis. In fact, as Alzheimer’s disease progresses, many people reach a point where they are unaware of their problem. Reminding them of their diagnosis when they don’t remember may be met with denial, confusion, or fear.
How fast does Alzheimer’s progress?
How fast or slow Alzheimer’s progresses can vary a lot from person to person. While research suggests a typical life expectancy is 5 to 8 years at the time of diagnosis, many people can live much longer. In general, those who start out healthier and are diagnosed earlier seem to live longest and progress the most slowly. Some of the healthy lifestyle habits that seem to slow progression of Alzheimer’s include:
Getting at least 150 minutes per week of moderate to vigorous exercise
Eating a nutritious diet such as the Mediterranean diet
Never smoking, or quitting smoking
Minimizing alcohol intake
Staying mentally active through activities like reading or playing strategy games
How can you be supportive or provide comfort to someone with Alzheimer’s?
The best way to support someone with Alzheimer’s or dementia can change as their condition evolves. But a few general principles can serve as a guide to help them cope with their diagnosis.
Help them stay involved
People living with Alzheimer’s may find it increasingly hard to stay connected to their community. Technology such as cellular devices and email may become harder to use. Navigation and driving may become unsafe. It can make a big difference when friends and caregivers make a plan to help overcome these barriers. Whether bringing them along or coming to them, the important thing is to show them you care and that they still matter.
Keep it simple
As people live with Alzheimer’s, change and hectic environments can be harder to adjust to. On the other hand, calm environments and routine can be stress-reducing. Keep lighting and noise levels appropriate to the time of day. It can also help to have scheduled activities. Examples include having set times to go to the community center or an exercise class, or seeing friends on certain days of the week.
Reminisce with them
Most people with Alzheimer’s retain older memories, especially those that made the biggest impressions. Reminisce together about past vacations and other happy events. Put out photo albums to flip through together. Reliving the good memories that remain is reassuring for a person with Alzheimer’s.
Attend a support group
The Alzheimer’s Association, churches, and community centers often have support groups for people with Alzheimer’s and their caregivers. These groups can provide a wealth of support and tips for coping with the disease. Some groups are geared towards people living with different stages of Alzheimer’s. These may have special activities targeted to the stage of the condition.
And finding the support you need is important, too. If you’re dealing with this situation, find a support group through your local chapter of the Alzheimer’s Association today.
The bottom line
A diagnosis of Alzheimer’s or dementia can be emotionally devastating to the person diagnosed and the ones who care about them most. Communicating with sensitivity isn’t always a matter of what comes most naturally. It takes practice and being able to change as their condition changes. Most of all, it’s important to keep communication going, one positive interaction at a time. This allows those we care about living with Alzheimer’s to hold on to a sense of meaning and connection.
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References
Dhana, K., et al. (2022). Healthy lifestyle and life expectancy with and without Alzheimer’s dementia: Population based cohort study. BMJ.
Liang, C. S., et al. (2021). Mortality rates in Alzheimer's disease and non-Alzheimer’s dementias: A systematic review and meta-analysis. The Lancet: Healthy Longevity.
National Institute on Aging. (2022). Choosing a health care proxy.
National Institute on Aging. (2022). Preparing a living will.
Schaffert, J., et al. (2022). Predictors of life expectancy in autopsy-confirmed Alzheimer’s disease. Journal of Alzheimer’s Disease.
