Peter Pan Syndrome: What to Do When You or a Loved One Has a Hard Time With Adult Life
Key takeaways:
Peter Pan syndrome is a pop psychology term used to describe adults, most often men, who have trouble taking on adult responsibilities.
A Peter Pan adult may depend on their parents or a significant other to deal with daily tasks for them, such as managing bills or dealing with conflict at work.
Some believe that Peter Pan syndrome develops during childhood, when an adult always steps in for the person.
In the well-known Walt Disney classic, “Peter Pan,” the main character, Peter Pan, wants to remain a young boy forever. In fact, he goes to live with a group called the Lost Boys so that he doesn’t have to face the reality of getting older.
In 1983, psychologist Dan Kiley wrote the book, “The Peter Pan Syndrome: Men Who Have Never Grown Up.” Kiley refers to adults who refuse to grow up and instead continue to depend on others into adulthood as “Peter Pans.”
Here’s what to know about Peter Pan syndrome these days.
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What is Peter Pan syndrome?
Peter Pan syndrome is a pop psychology term that refers to adults who seem to have a hard time growing up. They continue to function like children or adolescents and have trouble with typical adult responsibilities, even though they are of adult age. This can create tension in their relationships and affect other areas of their lives, like their work.
Emerging adulthood is a developmental stage between puberty and adulthood. During this time, young adults are continuing to develop physically and psychologically. They are learning how to separate from their parents, form their own identity, and achieve a level of independence.
Those with a Peter Pan complex may resist this process into adulthood. They may struggle with responsibilities that would be expected of their life phase. They can also find intimacy to be uncomfortable and may end relationships when they become too close to someone.
What are the symptoms of Peter Pan syndrome?
Peter Pan syndrome is not an official mental health diagnosis. However, those who use the term usually describe symptoms like:
Avoiding responsibilities
Depending on a partner or parent to make decisions
Fear of being alone
Problems following through on commitments
Trouble taking criticism from others
Changing partners when a relationships becomes too close or serious
The term is most often used to describe men but could refer to people of any biological sex or gender.
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What is Wendy syndrome?
Every Peter Pan needs a Wendy. Wendy doesn’t push Peter Pan to change. She likely finds comfort in being his caretaker, even though she may find it very frustrating at times.
Wendy syndrome describes a person — usually a parent or partner — who takes on a caretaker role. They support the person with Peter Pan syndrome in a way that allows them to stay exactly as they are.
A person with Wendy syndrome may:
Make decisions for the person
Take responsibility for their actions
Justify or make excuses for their behavior
How does Peter Pan syndrome affect relationships?
Peter Pan syndrome can affect relationships in many ways, whether you’re a Peter Pan or a Wendy.
If you’re a parent, you may be too involved in your adult child’s life. You might take care of their money, pick up after them, or interfere in their social life.
On the other hand, if you’re the one with Peter Pan syndrome, you may depend too much on others. Is someone else managing things you could do yourself? Do they handle your conflicts? If so, you may be having trouble moving into full adulthood.
What causes Peter Pan syndrome?
Because Peter Pan syndrome is not a diagnosis, there has not been much research on its causes. However, some experts believe that Peter Pan syndrome is caused by overprotective parents.
It’s necessary for parents to support and nurture their children. However, it’s also important that children develop the skills they need to thrive as adults. During the teen and young adult years, people need to gradually become more independent and take on additional responsibilities. They also need to learn by failing sometimes.
Understandably, parents don’t want their children to fail. Yet it’s a necessary part of life.
Parents who always “hover over” or protect their children are sometimes called “helicopter parents.” One study found that young adults with these types of parents struggled to make decisions and handle problems. On the other hand, parents who were supportive but less controlling helped their children succeed.
Is there a connection between Peter Pan syndrome and narcissism?
Narcissism is a term that’s often used to describe someone who is selfish and inconsiderate. Because an adult with Peter Pan syndrome depends on others, they can also appear selfish and may be referred to as narcissistic.
But just because someone is called “narcissistic” in the general sense does not mean they have narcissistic personality disorder (NPD). Unlike Peter Pan syndrome, NPD is an official mental health diagnosis.
People with NPD often have a strong sense of self-importance, high need for praise, and lack of empathy for others. People with NPD may believe they don’t have to play by the same life rules as others.
Because there is little research on Peter Pan syndrome, it’s difficult to say how much it and NPD are alike. And someone with Peter Pan syndrome may or may not also have NPD.
Can Peter Pan syndrome be treated?
Since Peter Pan syndrome isn’t an official diagnosis, there’s no established treatment. However, therapy or counseling may help.
A therapist can help you learn ways to deal with challenges. Therapy can also help you develop the confidence to face things that can be overwhelming or scary. Couples or family therapy can also help change relationship dynamics that may be contributing to a Peter Pan-Wendy relationship.
How to deal with a Peter Pan adult
If someone you know exhibits signs of Peter Pan syndrome, there are steps that you can take to support them in becoming more independent.
Stop enabling
Whether you’re a parent, partner, other family member, or friend of a Peter Pan adult, take a look at the role you may be playing in enabling their behavior. Enabling refers to when a person protects another person from the natural consequences of their behavior. It is common among families with addiction problems, but it can also apply to other ineffective behaviors. For example, a spouse may take on all of the household responsibilities, rather than asking their partner to do their part.
If you are enabling your loved one, try to set healthy expectations and boundaries. You can gradually give them more responsibility. If they do not fulfill their commitments, avoid the urge to take over. Instead, allow them to experience the consequences of their actions. At first they may expect you to jump in. But over time they will learn that there are consequences for not following through.
Encourage them to seek mental health treatment
Adults who show signs of Peter Pan syndrome may be experiencing mental health conditions like depression and anxiety. These symptoms may be contributing to their difficulties. Therapy can help those with a Peter Pan complex learn tools to cope with life’s demands. This can in turn give them confidence to face adult responsibilities.
Encouraging a loved one to get mental health treatment can be difficult. Some people may be nervous or feel like they don’t need it. When talking to a loved one about getting help, it is important to:
Educate yourself on mental health and treatment options.
Use “I” statements when expressing your concerns, such as, “I get frustrated when I have to clean up after you.”
Avoid judgment and blaming.
Remind them that getting help is a sign of strength, not weakness.
Help address any barriers to getting treatment.
Seek your own treatment
If you’re having a hard time with a loved one who is struggling to adjust to adulthood, you may benefit from seeking your own support. Therapy can help you understand your role and learn how to communicate effectively. This is especially important if you are acting as a Wendy who is enabling Peter Pan behavior. You can also consider attending couples or family therapy together so you both can learn the necessary tools to move forward.
The bottom line
Peter Pan syndrome is a term used to describe an adult who doesn’t want to grow up. They may continue to depend on others and refuse to mature. In turn, a parent or partner, referred to as a “Wendy,” is likely taking care of responsibilities for them. Therapy may be able to help individuals and families work through these patterns and accept the responsibilities of adulthood.
Why trust our experts?
References
American Psychiatric Association. (2022). Helping a loved one cope with mental illness.
APA Dictionary of Psychology. (n.d.). Enabling. American Psychological Association.
Kalkan, M., et al. (2021). Peter Pan syndrome ‘men who don’t grow’: Developing a scale. Men and Masculinities.
Luebbe, A. M., et al. (2018). Dimensionality of helicopter parenting and relations to emotional, decision-making, and academic functioning in emerging adults. Assessment.
Mitra, P., et al. (2023). Narcissistic personality disorder. StatPearls.
Psychiatry Online. (n.d.). Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders, Fifth Edition. American Psychiatric Association.
University of Granada. (2007). Overprotecting parents can lead children to develop 'Peter Pan syndrome'. ScienceDaily.
Vigdal, J. S., et al. (2022). A systematic review of ‘helicopter parenting’ and its relationship with anxiety and depression. Frontiers in Psychology.
Wood, D., et al. (2017). Emerging adulthood as a critical stage in the life course. Handbook of Life Course Health Development.
For additional resources or to connect with mental health services in your area, call SAMHSA’s National Helpline at 1-800-662-4357. For immediate assistance, call the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 988, or text HOME to 741-741 to reach the Crisis Text Line.
