How to Support Someone Who Comes Out to You As LGBTQ+
Key takeaways:
Coming out is the process in which LGBTQ+ people share with another person how they identify. This can be in regards to their sexual orientation and/or gender identity.
When someone comes out to you, it’s important to listen to them and reassure them that you appreciate the person that they are.
Let them guide the conversation. If you’re unsure what to say, ask what you can do to help support them throughout this process.
For many people, coming out can be challenging. It can be a moment marked by excitement, triumph, and pride. But it can oftentimes be overshadowed by fear, anxiety, and uncertainty.
The fear of being rejected by friends and family can take a toll on a person’s mental health — putting them at risk for depression, anxiety, and suicide. This also contributes to high rates of homelessness in LGBTQ+ youth who are choosing or being forced to leave home.
That’s why it’s important to create a supportive environment if someone comes out to you. In fact, this has been shown to positively impact the mental health, well-being, and self acceptance in LGBTQ+ youth. In this article, we’ll discuss the best ways to support someone who’s coming out to you.
What does it mean to come out?
The term “coming out” usually refers to the process of someone sharing how they identify in regards to their sexual orientation and/or gender identity.
Sexual orientation is a person’s emotional, romantic, or sexual attraction to other people — including, but not limited to, being straight, gay, lesbian, or bisexual.
Gender identity is a person’s self-identification or perception as male, female, a combination of both, or neither. This means that someone’s gender identity can be different from their sex assigned at birth (what doctors identify a person as, usually male or female, when they are born).
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Many people who identify as LGBTQ+ come out repeatedly throughout their lives — whether it’s to a friend, family member, or colleague. Coming out can be a challenging experience for many, especially young people.
Although much has been accomplished in understanding mental health challenges for LGBTQ+ youth, many people continue facing fear of discrimination and rejection due to their sexual orientation and/or gender identity.
What are some things you should say if someone comes out to you?
Finding the right words to say to someone coming out can be challenging. You want to make sure that you’re being comforting and supportive.
Keep in mind that every situation is different. And what someone may need in the moment can vary from person to person. Below are a few examples of where you can start if someone comes out to you.
‘Thank you for sharing that with me.’
When someone comes out to you, that means that they feel safe and comfortable sharing this important piece of information with you. Make sure to thank them for trusting you. This can be helpful in making them feel seen and respected.
‘I’m so proud of you.’
Coming out is a monumental moment for LGBTQ+ people. Whether they’re coming out for the first or hundredth time, they’re putting themself in a vulnerable position by letting you know. Acknowledge this big step that they’re taking.
‘I’m here for you.’
Deciding to come out can be scary for many people, especially LGBTQ+ youth. For instance, some may fear being rejected by their family or friends. Letting someone know that you’re there for them is crucial in providing support and reassurance.
‘I love you for you.’
This is one of the simplest, yet most important, things to say to someone coming out. Letting them know that you love and support them unconditionally can be so powerful during this significant time.
What are some things you shouldn’t say or do if someone comes out to you?
There are certain things to avoid saying or doing when someone is coming out to you. Saying the wrong things can make the experience hurtful and traumatizing for some people.
Don’t ask them if it’s just a phase
People don’t choose their sexual orientation or gender identity. Avoid asking someone when they “decided” to be LGBTQ+.
Don’t try to convince them they’re not who they are
Research suggests that people’s genetics and environment can contribute to their sexual orientation and gender identity. When coming out, they’re sharing an important part of who they are with you.
Don’t center the conversation about you
Avoid saying things like “I always knew!” When someone comes out to you, this should be their moment. Focus the conversation on them and listen to them.
Don’t ask them to disclose something they aren’t comfortable with
When people come out, they may not be ready to disclose every piece of information with you. This might include information about their relationships or dating life. Don’t try to pry information out of them. They’ll share this with you when or if they become ready.
What are some ways to support someone who comes out to you?
In addition to choosing the right words when someone comes out to you, it’s also important to offer your support during this significant time. Here are some ways you can do that:
Let them guide the conversation
Remember that this is oftentimes a big step for someone. Let them take their time to share with you any information they wish to disclose. This also means avoiding asking questions that can make them feel uncomfortable.
Ask what you can do to help
One of the easiest ways to find out how you can best support someone during this time is to simply ask: “What can I do to support you?” Whether it’s listening, or just keeping their information private, ask what you can do to help.
Ask them who they’ve shared this information with
Being out can sometimes be a situational decision. For instance, some people may be out with their family and friends, but not at work. Asking someone who they’ve come out to can be helpful in maintaining their privacy.
Ask them what pronouns and/or names they would like you to use
The person coming out to you may identify as a different gender identity from their sex assigned at birth. This may include transgender or non-binary folks. In this case, part of coming out is telling you the pronouns and name associated with their gender identity.
Referring to people by their correct pronouns — such as she/her, he/him, or they/them — is one of the most important ways to show your respect. If you’re unsure, make sure to ask what name and pronouns they would like you to use.
A study showed that referring to a transgender youth’s chosen name — instead of their name assigned at birth — is helpful in lowering the risk of depression and suicide.
Educate yourself about LGBTQ+ communities
People within LGBTQ+ communities face different barriers and challenges. Educate yourself on what it means to be an ally. Learn more about the communities in order to understand the best ways to support someone who has come out.
Resources and social support for someone who has recently come out
Coming out can be a different experience for everyone. Not everyone’s journey is identical. Since this may be a challenging time for some people, it’s important that they are connected to helpful resources.
The Trevor Project is a nonprofit organization that offers 24/7 support and counseling for LGBTQ+ youth. They also have a coming out handbook.
PFLAG is one of the largest organizations that offers support for LGBTQ+ people and their families.
GLSEN works to create affirming learning environments for LGBTQ+ youth. They also offer a coming out resource for students.
The Human Rights Campaign is an organization advocating for the LGBTQ+ community. They offer different resources for people coming out at home, work, and within the community.
The Gay-Straight Alliance Network is a national youth leadership organization connecting Gay-Straight Alliances (GSAs) among different schools.
Q Chat Space is an online LGBTQ+ center for teenagers to join professionally facilitated online support groups.
The National Resource Center on LGBT Aging offers different resources for people coming out later in life.
The American Psychological Association offers a collection of resources to educate the public about the LGBTQ+ community. This includes ways to address bias and discrimination.
The bottom line
Coming out is both an exciting and scary time for people. It’s a moment of vulnerability that can also become liberating and empowering. Offering unconditional support, love, and acceptance when someone comes out to you can make a huge impact on their life. It can also have a positive effect on their mental health and self acceptance.
It’s important to let them guide the conversation. Avoid prying or pressuring them into sharing information that they may not be ready to. But most importantly, make sure that you listen to them and reassure them that you appreciate the person that they are.
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References
GLSEN. Coming out: A resource for LGBTQ students.
The Human Rights Campaign Foundation. Pronouns 101.
Pew Research Center. (2013). Chapter 3: The coming out experience.
Roselli, C.E. (2018). Neurobiology of gender identity and sexual orientation. Journal of Neuroendocrinology.
Russell, S. T., et al. (2016). Mental health in lesbian, gay, bisexual, and transgender (LGBT) youth. Annual review of clinical psychology.
Russell, S. T., et al. (2018). Chosen name use is linked to reduced depressive symptoms, suicidal ideation, and suicidal behavior among transgender youth. The Journal of Adolescent Health.
Sage National Resource Center on LGBT Aging. I’m coming out: Coming out as LGBT in later life.
The Trevor Project. Coming out: A handbook for LGBTQ young people.
