Key takeaways:
Having herpes can cause unnecessary shame and embarrassment.
People with herpes can still date and enjoy fulfilling relationships and productive lives.
Positive support resources are available for people with herpes.
Genital herpes is a sexually transmitted infection (STI) caused by the herpes simplex virus (HSV).
Symptoms include painful blisters around or on the genitals or anus. There isn’t a cure for herpes. But outbreaks typically happen less frequently over time.
Because genital herpes is an STI, it often carries a social stigma.
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That can make someone who has herpes feel alone and hesitant to date. Still, many people with herpes find support and encouragement in online communities and lead healthy, productive lives.
Here’s how three people describe what it’s like to have genital herpes, where they find support, and how they tell potential partners they have herpes.
From shocked to shameless
After noticing a “really uncomfortable” spot on her genitals in 2019 and a burning sensation when she peed, Jolene Hernandez knew something was off. She visited a local health clinic, where the doctor took a swab sample and diagnosed her with genital herpes.
“I was shocked,” says Jolene, 34, an operations manager at a nonprofit youth organization in New York City. Before Jolene and her partner were intimate, they discussed STIs, and there were no red flags. After Jolene told her partner about her diagnosis, he also tested positive for genital herpes. Yet he showed no symptoms, such as lesions or blisters in his genital area. After they broke up later, Jolene worried about dating someone new.
“I remembered I had to have this [herpes] conversation with someone,” Jolene says. She gained a more confident outlook after participating in a weekend self-help workshop on communication. “I felt I had a choice about how I feel about my diagnosis,” Jolene recalls.
Over time, Jolene told friends and family members. She found support from online herpes forums and organizations. “It helped me feel more at ease and confident around my diagnosis,” Jolene says. “I realized there’s nothing wrong with me.”
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Since her diagnosis, she typically has only one outbreak a year, and it lasts about a week.
Recently, Jolene filmed a 20-minute documentary about herpes, “No Shame in This Game.” She says she hopes to help destigmatize herpes and let others know what having herpes feels like. In the film, Jolene stood in a park wearing a sign that read, “I have herpes. Ask me anything.”
“Tell me about herpes,” some people inquired. “How did you get it?” was a common question. “People were really curious to know,” Jolene says. But I also had some people high-five me and say, ‘Me too.’”
What do you need to know if you have genital herpes? It doesn’t have to be a life-changing diagnosis.
How do you overcome the stigma of herpes? This North Carolina man started an organization to help others.
What are the chances of getting herpes from an infected partner? The short answer is: It depends on a number of factors.
Normalizing conversations about herpes
When Tricia Wise, 29, noticed small, painful sores on her genitals after a sexual encounter in 2019, she visited an urgent care center. A swab test confirmed she had genital herpes.
“When I found out, I thought my sex life was over,” says Tricia, a writer and social media content creator in New York City. “I was just like, ‘Wow, I don’t know anyone else who has this.’ I felt alone.” Tricia told family and friends about her diagnosis and searched online for information.
“I always tell people to look at the CDC [Centers for Disease Control and Prevention] and find medical statistics first,” Tricia says. “Then find people with herpes who are doing well and thriving and talking about it. The more research I did, the more I realized herpes is stigmatized for no reason and extremely common.”
Tricia wanted to help others with herpes while also helping herself. So a few months after her diagnosis, she boldly posted “I have genital herpes” on her personal Instagram account.
“The number of messages I got after that was amazing,” she says. Many people told her they’d never told anyone or had been suicidal. “I thought, ‘No one should be feeling this way,’” Tricia says. “Herpes is the same thing as cold sores. It’s just in a different location.” Many with herpes also told her they dated and enjoyed successful lives.
For the first 6 months after her diagnosis, Tricia had outbreaks monthly. Now she has only one or two outbreaks a year. Tricia has open discussions with potential sexual partners. She tells them she has herpes and asks if they have an STI. The worst part about having herpes is the social stigma, she says.
Being up front about having herpes helps weed out closed-minded people from her life, she says.
“You find more quality people that are open-minded and empathetic,” Tricia says.
Embracing a positive approach
When Courtney Brame was 24, he woke up one day with a fever, body aches, and chills. He noticed a cluster of blisters on his penis.
“I didn’t have any idea what it was,” Courtney says. He rushed to urgent care, where he received a diagnosis of herpes. He left with a prescription for an antiviral medication.
Courtney contacted his recent partners. None had herpes.
“I was relieved I didn’t have to worry about being known as the person who was giving people herpes,” Courtney says. “I didn’t want to be embarrassed.” He searched online for herpes information.
“I knew better than to just google ‘herpes’ because I would have seen the worst of everything that exists about herpes,” Courtney says. “I researched how to minimize outbreaks and transmission. Three things that came up were exercise, nutrition, and stress management.”
So Courtney worked with a personal trainer and a nutritionist for a diet and workout plan. He started practicing yoga. Today, Courtney, 35, lives in New York and runs Something Positive for Positive People, a nonprofit organization with a website and a podcast for people with herpes.
In the 12 years since his diagnosis, Courtney says he’s had only three outbreaks. He credits the low number to exercise, nutrition, and yoga. He has also broadened his network through his website and podcast.
“I connect with people from different walks of life,” he says. “We have different incomes, different walks of life. … But we’re sharing space in a vulnerable way.”
Frequently asked questions
Herpes tingling is a sensation in the genital area. It can be minor or feel like a sharp shooting pain, sometimes similar to a charley horse cramp. Some people describe the tingling as the way your skin feels for a few seconds after you scratch it.
A mild herpes bump can look like an ingrown hair or a pimple on or around the genitals or rectum. A more severe herpes bump is a blister that breaks, causing painful sores.
Herpes tingling is a sensation in the genital area. It can be minor or feel like a sharp shooting pain, sometimes similar to a charley horse cramp. Some people describe the tingling as the way your skin feels for a few seconds after you scratch it.
A mild herpes bump can look like an ingrown hair or a pimple on or around the genitals or rectum. A more severe herpes bump is a blister that breaks, causing painful sores.
The bottom line
Why trust our experts?
Herpes outbreaks generally occur more often when you first contract it, but they lessen in frequency over time. Taking an antiviral medication may help reduce herpes outbreaks. Genital herpes carries a social stigma because the virus is transmitted through sexual contact. But people with herpes can find support at online forums and support groups. Many people with herpes date, marry, and live healthy lives.
