The Most Effective Ways to Help Someone With a Sex Addiction
Key takeaways:
Sex addiction is not a diagnosable mental health condition. But people can struggle with addictions to behaviors like having sex.
To help a loved one with a sex addiction, do your best to stay calm, patient, and encouraging. They may resist help and not be ready to change.
Loving and supporting someone with a sex addiction can be stressful. Focus on supporting them during professional treatment.
A sex addiction can completely take over a person’s life. Their thoughts, feelings, and behaviors may revolve around sex. They may not have much time and energy for other areas of their life.
Loving someone with a sex addiction puts you in a tough position. Of course, you want to create a positive impact. But what do you do and say?
How do you start the conversation to address sex addiction with a friend or loved one?
Like many people in your situation, you probably want to address your concerns with your loved one. You may not know where to start, though.
Behavioral addictions share a lot in common with addictions to drugs or alcohol. So many of the same strategies for talking to someone with a substance use disorder can be helpful in this case.
If you want to have a conversation with your loved one about their addiction, approach them in a prepared and thoughtful way. Impulsively or emotionally addressing the situation could only lead to hurt feelings and poor outcomes.
What should you do before the conversation?
Before you have the conversation, try to:
Study the situation. Your loved one’s sex addiction could present in many ways. Do your best to notice their actions and the effects. Has the situation gotten worse? How is the addiction affecting them? They may not realize the toll that sex addiction is taking on them.
Notice how it affects you. Is your daily life harmed by the actions of your loved one? Track your moods, stress, and anxiety related to their addiction. Thinking about this when you’re calm will help you gather helpful information.
Set a goal. What would you like to have happen? Think about what outcome you’d like to see. Would you like them to start treatment? Would you be happy if they only agreed that they have an addiction? Keep in mind that your loved one may not share your goals or perspective.
Set a time. Catching your loved one off guard or communicating when you’re angry can be unhelpful or make things worse. Schedule a time and place to meet. This way, everyone can come prepared.
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How can you communicate with a loved one about their addiction?
Now that you have gathered information and formed a plan, it’s time for the conversation. Always approach the conversation from a place of love, support, and understanding. Be sure they know you are a teammate, not an opponent.
Some of the best tips to help you communicate with your loved one are:
Let them know what you notice. Be specific and nonjudgmental about what you’ve seen and experienced due to their addiction. Focus on the facts.
Let them know how you feel. Does their sex adddiction make you feel scared, worried, angry, annoyed, or embarrassed? Describe the influence on your life.
Suggest options. Do you think they would benefit from outpatient treatment or a special rehab program? Is attending a support group enough? Keep in mind that your loved one has to make the final decision about treatment.
Before, during, and after the conversation, practice good communication skills like:
Being understanding and respectful
Listening carefully
Being clear and focused when you speak
Avoiding distracting settings
Focusing on solutions
What not to do when helping a loved one cope with sex addiction
To best help your loved one, you should avoid:
Being overly emotional
Blaming them
Ignoring their point of view
Discouraging them or calling them names
Expecting them to change immediately
These reactions are common but unhelpful.
What is considered a sex addiction?
When someone’s life is consumed by sex, they may have an addiction. Someone with a sex addiction will continue having sex, even as it threatens their physical and mental well-being.
Currently, an addiction to sex is not an official mental health condition. But plenty of people are negatively affected by a need for sex and sexual contact. Many mental health professionals agree that even though sex addiction is not a diagnosis, people can be addicted to sex.
Since the disorder is not fully acknowledged, it may go by different names like:
Sex addiction
Compulsive sexual behaviors
Hypersexuality
The idea of being addicted to a behavior is getting more attention recently. The American Psychiatric Association (APA) recognized gambling disorder as the first non-substance addiction in 2013. Now, experts are exploring other behavioral addictions, like sex addiction.
Pornography addiction or love addiction may overlap with sex addiction. Ultimately, these are separate problems.
What are the signs of sex addiction?
Behavioral addictions share common symptoms, even though the behaviors linked to the addiction are different. A person with a sex addiction may:
Feel tense or uncomfortable during periods without sex
Be unable to control their sexual behaviors
Engage in risky sex
Ignore their responsibilities at home, work, or school to have sex
Continue having sex, even though it negatively affects their well-being
Frequently fight with loved ones over sex
Having just one or two of these signs could indicate an issue with sex addiction.
How does sex addiction impact daily life?
Like other addictions, sex addiction can impact many areas of a person’s life:
The addiction takes control. It can begin to dominate the person’s thoughts and behaviors.
It can be hard to focus on other things. A person with a sex addiction will spend incredible amounts of time thinking about and engaging in sex. Focusing on anything else may seem impossible.
Their mood can change a lot. Because of the sex addiction, a person’s mood may be erratic. They could seem very happy after having sex or very irritable if too much time as gone by without sex.
Their job could be in danger. A person with a sex addiction may lose their job if they have sex at work or miss work to have sex.
There are serious health risks. Their physical health could be at risk from sexually transmitted infections or unplanned pregnancies.
Treatments available for sex addiction
Various therapy options are available for people with sex addictions in both outpatient and residential settings. Cognitive behavioral therapy (CBT) and psychodynamic therapy are two specific approaches with a record of success.
CBT helps a person learn to identify thoughts and beliefs that trigger addiction. It can also help them learn new coping skills. Psychodynamic therapy helps a person understand the conflicts that drive sexuality and teaches them to reshape thinking patterns to prevent relapse.
Does couples therapy work for sex addiction?
A person with a sex addiction who is married or in a relationship may benefit from attending couples therapy. For many, family or couples therapy is an important component of sex addiction treatment. Couples therapy can help partners:
Rebuild trust
Decrease shame and guilt
Improve communication
Create a healthy sexual relationship
Resources and support for sex addiction
Support groups can be a helpful resource for sex addiction. Support groups for sex addiction include:
Call SAMHSA’s National Helpline at 1-800-662-HELP (4357) to learn about additional resources in your area.
The bottom line
Sex addiction is a concerning condition that can affect both the person with the addiction and the people who care about them. You will not be able to resolve the addiction. But you can provide support, encourage the person to attend treatment, and let them know they are not alone. Overcoming sex addiction is possible, and you can assist in their recovery.
Why trust our experts?
If you or someone you know struggles with substance use or addiction, help is available. Call SAMHSA’s National Helpline at 1-800-662-4357 to learn about resources in your area. For immediate assistance, call the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 988.
References
Alavi, S. S., et al. (2012). Behavioral addiction versus substance addiction: Correspondence of psychiatric and psychological views. International Journal of Preventive Medicine.
American Psychological Association. (n.d.). Helping a loved one cope with mental illness.
de Alarcón, R., et al. (2019). Online porn addiction: What we know and what we don't-A systematic review. Journal of Clinical Medicine.
Fong, T. W. (2006). Understanding and managing compulsive sexual behaviors. Psychiatry.
National Institute on Drug Abuse. (2019). Communication.
National Institute on Drug Abuse. (2020). Living with an adult who has a substance use problem.
Sex Addicts Anonymous. (n.d.). Sex Addicts Anonymous.
Sex and Love Addicts Anonymous. (n.d.). Sex and Love Addicts Anonymous.
Sexaholics Anonymous. (n.d.). Sexaholics Anonymous.
Substance Abuse and Mental Health Services Administration. (2022). SAMHSA’s National Helpline.
If you or someone you know struggles with addiction, help is available. Call SAMHSA’s National Helpline at 1-800-662-4357 to learn about resources in your area.
