How to Set Healthy Boundaries With Family Members Who Want Medical Advice

Poor boundaries can tax you mentally, lead to increased stress, and show up in your work and personal life. The issue of boundaries can arise for healthcare professionals who are frequently asked by family members for advice or help managing medical issues. One of the first studies to examine physician boundaries found that 99% of the physicians in the study had received a request for medical advice by a family member.

Healthy boundaries support healthy relationships and can help healthcare providers (HCPs) separate their work lives from their home lives — from that feeling of always being “on.” Boundaries also protect you from becoming overwhelmed or experiencing burnout from managing other people’s expectations.

Here are some tips for how to more easily set boundaries with your loved ones.

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What are healthy boundaries?

According to the American Psychological Association, boundaries are “a psychological demarcation that protects the integrity of an individual or group or that helps the person or group set realistic limits on participation in a relationship or activity.”

In other words, boundaries are verbal or behavioral preferences that help you define another person’s emotional, mental, and physical access to you. Boundaries can help you establish  your well-being at work, in your personal life, and even on digital devices. 

Examples of types of boundaries include:

• Emotional boundaries: These limit another’s ability to impact your emotional state.

• Mental boundaries: These determine your amount of communication and engagement with another person.

• Physical boundaries: These delineate your physical proximity to another.

• Temporal boundaries: These designate the amount of time you give to another person or activity.

Healthy boundaries 

Healthy boundaries can also protect the other person in your relationships. Remaining objective with family members can be challenging, and having poor boundaries can lead to giving advice or taking actions that aren’t in a family member’s best interest. For example, a well-meaning HCP might give medical advice that is outside of their area of expertise because they feel pressured to help. 

Healthy boundaries help clarify your role with your family members but leave space to validate their concerns and offer support. Certainly, having boundaries can be tough to establish and maintain, leading many people to struggle with awkward or hurtful situations. However, unhealthy boundaries can cause confusion about your wants, needs, and limits.

Unhealthy boundaries

People might avoid setting boundaries because they don’t want people to be angry with or reject them. But while unhealthy boundaries might temporarily allow you to avoid uncomfortable situations or conflicts, they can have long-term negative effects on your well-being.

As an HCP, unhealthy boundaries can make it difficult to separate your professional from your personal roles with close friends and relatives. Family members might make requests that push you out of your professional comfort zone. Unhealthy boundaries can also make it hard for you to “turn off” when spending time with family. 

Examples of unhealthy boundaries include:

• Answering repeated requests or phone calls to address a family member’s medical questions, urgent or not

• Feeling pressured to justify to friends or family how you spend your money because you work in healthcare

• Prescribing a refill for a relative who skipped a follow-up appointment

Why is it important to set boundaries?

Part of attending to your well-being is properly separating your work and personal spheres. Thinking about medical problems or giving medical advice in your off time can add to your stress. Poor boundaries with family members can lead to frustration, isolation, resentment, and feeling overwhelmed.

In most cases, you’re not your family member’s HCP. While offering general advice can be helpful, complications can arise when you offer more detailed medical advice or care that is beyond your expertise.

According to the American Medical Association’s Code of Medical Ethics, here are some of the problems with providing medical advice or medical care to friends or family:

• Personal feelings may unduly influence HCPs’ professional judgment.

• HCPs may avoid sensitive areas when taking a medical history or performing parts of a physical examination.

• HCPs may feel pressured to provide care despite being uncomfortable doing so.

• HCPs may also find themselves treating problems that are beyond their expertise or training.

Ultimately, you want what’s best for your loved one. General medical information and support can be helpful. However, it’s typically in a family member’s best interest to receive their medical care in a professional setting from an unrelated medical professional.

How can you tell if you have issues with boundaries?

If you have a boundary problem with a friend or family member seeking medical advice, you might experience negative physical, mental, or emotional consequences. Here are some potential signs of poor boundaries:

• Avoiding interactions with friends or family members

• Experiencing irritability in interactions with friends or family members

• Experiencing resentment in a relationship

• Feeling emotionally or mentally detached from a family member

• Feeling like you can’t say no to requests

• Feeling overwhelmed by the time and energy invested in a relationship

• Spending excessive amounts of time doing things to meet others’ expectations

How can you be supportive while maintaining strong boundaries?

Healthcare workers often become the first point of contact for friends or family members seeking medical advice. Whether because of ease of accessibility or comfort within the relationship, family members in particular look to their relatives working in healthcare to help them.

Reflect on your own comfort level with sharing medical information or advice with friends or family members. Get clear on where your boundaries are. When communicating your boundaries, be clear and direct. This will help avoid confusion or misunderstandings.

Here are some ways of establishing healthy boundaries while supporting a friend or family member seeking medical advice:

• Listen: Being open and available to listen to a loved one’s concern helps them feel valued and understood. 

• Offer resources: HCPs frequently have access to or knowledge about resources that the public doesn’t know about. Sharing these resources with loved ones can be helpful.

• Educate your loved one: You can offer general information about medical topics within your scope of knowledge. Sometimes offering general medical information can help a loved one decide the next best step.

• Tag along to appointments: For some family members, it might be appropriate to accompany them to medical visits. You can take notes, be another set of ears, and help clarify complicated information for your loved one.

Why trust our experts?

Written by:

Tracy Asamoah, MD

Tracy Asamoah, MD, is a child and adolescent psychiatrist, writer, and physician coach in private practice in Austin, Texas. She completed medical school at the University of California, San Francisco, and both her general psychiatry residency and child and adolescent fellowship at the David Geffen UCLA School of Medicine.

Edited by:

Lindsey Mcilvena, MD, MPH

Lindsey Mcilvena, MD, MPH is board certified in preventive medicine and holds a master’s degree in public health. She has served a wide range of roles in her career, including owning a private practice in North County San Diego, being the second physician to work with GoodRx Care, and leading teams of clinicians and clinician writers at GoodRx Health.

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